Sonny's Funnies
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The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this." A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration." The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again." The next day, sa…
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BUMPER STICKERS: Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...? Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years. Allow me to introduce my selves. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? …
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As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde. As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!" Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl." "Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."
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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? As told by famous people: AN ORTHODOX RABBI: It was the Sabbath what was he going to do, drive there? THE POPE: The chicken was motivated to cross the road because he realized that only by doing so could he achieve Salvation. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case …
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MORE STUFF
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Some people have skeletons in their closet. I have a whole graveyard! I bet you I could stop gambling. I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided. I can't get enough minimalism. I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative. Do ten millipedes equal one centipede? The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me. Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it. Take everything in moderation. Including moderation. There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know. …
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: My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate. I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. I was a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. It was a so-so job. I worked in a muffler factory but that was exhausting. I was a barber, but I just couldn't cut it. I tried to be a chef. I thought it would add a little spice to my life,but I just didn't have the thyme. …
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Actual Newspaper Headlines: Married Priests in Catholic Church a Long Time Coming Prosecutors Want Victim in Courtroom During Murder Trial Reason for More Bear Sightings: More Bears Actor Sent to Jail for Not Finishing Sentence Tiger Woods Play With Own Balls, Nike Says Fireproof Clothing Factory Burns to Ground Astronomers See Colorful Gas Clouds Bubble Out of Uranus Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Fe…
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Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but conti…
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Today's Ponderings: Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool? How can there be self-help "groups"? How do you get off a non-stop flight? How do you write zero in Roman numerals? How many weeks are there in a light year? If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman? If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mis…
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What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4…
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Definitions
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Definitions: Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney buh-lo'-nee: Where some hemlines fall. Bernadette burn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage. Burglarize bur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with. Control kon-trol': A short, u…
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Interesting Questions: Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase? If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet? When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting? Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up? Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day that mattresses are …
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1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). 3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes. 6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. 7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 8. If you don't pay your exorcist you…
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RETIREMENT OPTIONS: You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where... 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade. 2. You've experienced condensation on your behind from the hot water in the toilet bowl. 3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town. 4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food. 5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door. 6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? OR You can retire to California where... 1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house. 2. The fastes…
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THE ARROGANCE OF OLD AGE: Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the liquor store. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts, and a light top which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window. With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, "I’m a big believer in barter, old fellow. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" I thought for a f…
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You Guessed It! More Ponderings: How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? You know how most packages say "Open here".What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Since Americans throw rice at weddings do orientals throw hamburgers? Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? Why do people without out a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is? Why do you ask someone without a…
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More Ponderings: What would we have called the color orange if it wasn't a fruit? After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water? How can there be self-help "groups"? If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap? If someone has a mid-lif…
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Think About It: I had amnesia once - or twice. Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them. Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a motorway. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. Wh…
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Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?" Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not." "But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to."
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Definitions Male/Female: 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. a. female...Any part under a car's hood. b. male...The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. a. female...Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. b. male...Playing any sport without a "cup." 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. a. female...The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.…
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The Artist
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An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display. "Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The gentleman was your doctor."
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Murphy's Laws of Computing 1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. 2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete. 3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it. 4. When the going gets tough, upgrade. 5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction. 6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural. 7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up. 8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer. 9. A c…
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GREAT MOMENTS IN PANTY HOSE B.C. The nude look is in. 1500 B.C. The Egyptians invent underwear. (The significance of this is largely ignored until Cecil B. De Mille films "The Ten Commandments.") A.D. 1589 William Lee of Nottinghamshire, England, invents the knitting machine. Hosiery can now be produced mechanically rather than by hand. 1876 Silk lingerie is manufactured, replacing wool and cotton underwear. The word "lingerie" is borrowed from the French by Sarah Josepha Hale, editor of Godey's Lady's Book. 1915 Silk lingerie becomes genera…
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One evening, after the honeymoon, Dick was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in your garage. You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time. And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know the boat is such an ongoing expense and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment…
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THE OFFICE: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life. CONFERENCE: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. CONFERENCE ROOM: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later. LECTURE: An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either BOSS: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. COMPROMISE: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
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