Sonny

Funny Signs: A funny sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar." In a Zurich hotel: "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose." In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: "Drop your trousers here for best results." In an Acapulco hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here." Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs." In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: "Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages." In a Rome laundry: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions." A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: "It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose." Note at the bottom of the menu of a German restaurant: "After the main course we suggest that you sample the tart of the house" In a Paris hotel elevator: "Please leave your values at the front desk." In a Japanese hotel: "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." In a Leipzig elevator: "Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up." In the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases." In a Bucharest hotel lobby: "The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable." In a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run." On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it." In an East African newspaper: "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers." In a Tokyo bar: "Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts." In a London department store: "Bargain Basement Upstairs" In a Yugoslavian hotel: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid." In a hotel in Athens: "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily." In a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service." In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. At a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: "Would you like to ride on your own ass?"

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business

Martha Stewart's Way Vs. My Way: Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for pete's sake, you are probably laying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway. You know we don't have anything better to do. Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time. My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag. Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year. Martha's way #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling. My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway? Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing. My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs. Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet,simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop. My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking. Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains. My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers. Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you. Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up" My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too darn bad. My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes. Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks. My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff. Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I just won't do it. Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it. My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"? Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness. My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can. Martha's way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away. My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh. Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind. Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. My way: Who has left over wine? Never happens in this house. Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy. My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it. Martha's way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water. My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink. Martha's way #19: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer. Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China. Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets. Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes. Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary). My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language? Let's face it English is a stupid language. There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England French fries were not invented in France. We sometimes take English for granted But if we examine its paradoxes we find that Quicksand takes you down slowly Boxing rings are square And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If writers write, how come fingers don't fing. If the plural of tooth is teeth Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth If the teacher taught, Why didn't the preacher praught. If a vegetarian eats vegetables What the heck does a humanitarian eat!? Why do people recite at a play Yet play at a recital? Park on driveways and Drive on parkways You have to marvel at the unique lunacy Of a language where a house can burn up as It burns down And in which you fill in a form By filling it out And a bell is only heard once it goes! English was invented by people, not computers And it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which of course isn't a race at all) That is why: When the stars are out they are visible But when the lights are out they are invisible And why it is that when I wind up my watch It starts But when I wind up this observation, It ends.

Good questions:

The Balls of Sports: 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING. 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF. AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Getting The Story Straight: When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands. A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal." The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon. "Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog." "Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut." "In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Yankee Kills Family Pet."

A frustrated housewife bought a new pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to arouse her husband... and spice up their dead sex life. After cooking his favorite meal for dinner one evening... she had put them on under a revealing short skirt... and relaxed with a glass of wine on the sofa directly across from where her husband was sitting in his chair. After several more glasses of wine... and at what she thought was the appropriate moment... she uncrossed her legs just wide enough so that her husband could catch a revealing view. It wasn’t long before his eyes focused on the prize... and he asked... “Are you wearing crotchless panties?” “Y -e-s”... she answered coyly with a seductive smile.” “Thank God!” ... he said... “I thought you were sitting on the cat.”

Rita Rudner's Facts About Men: Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald". Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo." Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. When four or more women get together, they talk about men. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?" If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget, he didn't lose your number, he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?' The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.' Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked. 'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man. Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan. Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man, in an even tone. 'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan. Yep,' was the calm reply. 'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan. 'Nope,' said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?' The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

Please copy and paste this to your status if you're constantly being asked to copy and paste things to your status by friends who copy and paste things to their status. Many people won't copy and paste this, but my true sarcastic friends will copy and paste it because they know this was copied and pasted from a dear friend in need of more stuff to copy and paste; and if you don't copy and paste it, then this means you hate Jesus, kittens, and puppies, and bacon. And if you hate bacon, the terrorists win.

Welcome back to the forum!

DILBERT'S WORDS OF WISDOM: 1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either. 2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. 3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? 4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. 5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. 6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. 7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. 8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. 9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. 10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. 11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!" 12. My Reality Check bounced. 13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. 15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. 16. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Types of computer viruses: Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does. Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years. Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer. Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network. Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee.. David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white. Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer. Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard. Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error). Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number. Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog! Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run. Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car. New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. Nike virus: Just Does It! Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder. Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB. Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen. Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:. Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus." PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money. Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism". Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback. Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives. Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits. Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened. Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message. Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years

7 Word Obituary: A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries." Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1983 Pick-up for sale.'"

More Actual Newspaper Headlines: Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in Ten Years Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told New Vaccine May Contain AIDS Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Hospitals Sued By Seven Foot Doctors Expert Says Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash Bank Drive-in Window Blocked By Board Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One Eye Drops Off Shelf Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax Lawmen From Mexico Barbecue Guests Miners Refuse to Work After Death Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies Two Sisters Reunite After Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter Never Withhold Herpes From Loved One Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe Out Literacy Drunk Drivers Paid $1,000 in 1984 Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 Autos Killing 110 a Day, Let's Resolve to do Better If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly it May Last a While War Dims Hope for Peace Smokers are Productive, but Death Cuts Efficiency Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Actual Newspaper Headlines: Big Rig Carrying Fruit Crashes on 210 Freeway, Creates Jam Kicking Baby Considered to be Healthy Crack Found on Governor's Daughter New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Navy Changes Skirt Policy, Making Apparel Optional Stolen Painting Found by Tree Dead Officer on Force for 18 Years Headless Body Found in Topless Bar State Dinner Featured Cat, American Food All Utah Condemned to Face Firing Squad Robber Holds Up Albert's Hosiery Chinese Apeman Dated Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter Woman Kicked by her Husband said to be Greatly Improved Former Man Dies in California MacArthur Flies Back to Front Shut-Ins Can Grow Indoors with Lights Deer Kill 17,000 Court to Try Shooting Defendant Lucky Man Sees Pals Die Passengers Hit by Cancelled Trains New Vaccine To Contain Rabies Lucky Victim Stabbed Three Times London Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge President of Company Says, "Stud Tires Out" Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire Bridge Held Up By Red Tape Man, Minus Ear, Waives Hearing Man is Fatally Slain

54-1631 was intended for VNAF but was rejected according to Lars Olausson's Lockheed Hercules Production List.

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married ? Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl." "Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least on girl that you wanted to marry." "Yes, there was one girl .. once. I guess she was the one perfect girl. The only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything .. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me." "Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend. "She was looking for the perfect man," he said

Chairman of the Board To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

BUMPER STICKERS: What I really need are minions. Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore. So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute? I'm an English major: You do the math. I need someone real bad. Are you real bad? Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. The more you complain the longer God makes you live. I R S: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. Out of my mind - back in five minutes. Without ME, it's just AWESO. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. Life would be easier if I had the source code. Hang up and drive. God must love stupid people. He made SO many. I said "no" to drugs, but they didn't listen. Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot. I fish, therefore I lie. Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. If catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.

The truth about Vaseline… A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?” She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.” “If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?” “We use it for sex,” she said. The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?” The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”

It was mailman George's last day on the job after 35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of weather. When he arrived at the first house on his route, the whole family came out, roundly congratulated him, and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the next house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he'd had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this is just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.'" "Breakfast was my idea."