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Sonny

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Everything posted by Sonny

  1. A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"
  2. HIM: Can I buy you a drink? HER: Actually I'd rather have the money. HIM: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours HER: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours. HIM: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice? HER: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice. HIM: Will you go out with me this Saturday? HER: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend. HIM: Your face must turn a few heads. HER: And your face must turn a few stomachs. HIM: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out. HER: Okay, get out. HIM: I think I could make you very happy. HER: Why? Are you leaving? HIM: What would you say if I asked you to marry me? HER: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time. HIM: Can I have your name? HER: Why? Don't you already have one? HIM: Where have you been all my life? HER: Hiding from you. HIM: Haven't I seen you some place before? HER: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore. HIM: Is this seat empty? HER: Yes and this one will be if you sit down. HIM: So, what do you do for a living? HER: I'm a female impersonator. HIM: Hey baby what's your sign? HER: Do not enter. HIM: Your body is like a temple. HER: Sorry, there are no services today. HIM: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. HER: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing . HIM: Where have you been all my life? HER: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.
  3. Bob, Could you please add these to the gallery? Thanks.
  4. Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit Your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, what ever the case is, I'm gone. Your EX-Wife P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Dear Ex-Wife Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care. Signed Rich As Hell and Free!... P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.
  5. An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over and says, "Nope." Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom; undresses and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?" Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!" To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."
  6. A noted sex therapist realizes that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devises a test to tell for certain how often someone has sex. To prove his theory, he fills up an auditorium with people, and goes down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist is able to guess accurately until he comes to the last man in line, who is grinning from ear to ear. "Twice a day," the therapist guesses, but is surprised when the man says no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no. "Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No." The man finally says yes when the doctor gets to "once a year". The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?" The man answers, "Tonight's the night!"
  7. "The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don''t want to try these techniques at home.". "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets,often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ''Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?". "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
  8. A man working in a brewery dies after falling into a vat of beer. The manager breaks the news to his widow, 'Did he suffer Much?, she sobs. ' I don't think so', the manager tells her. He climbed out three times to use the toilet'
  9. A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel! She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today? "Yes," was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."
  10. A crusty old Marine Corps Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sgt. Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sgt. Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am," the Sgt. Major said, "Just serious by nature." The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The SGM's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sgt. Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sgt. Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?" The Sgt. Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "Oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now."
  11. Sonny

    The Temp

    I guess some things will never change. I hired a temp while my secretary was on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked what she expected to earn.She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is four hundred a week."I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure. She shook her head and replied, "With pleasure, it'll be $600 a week."
  12. Miscellaneous Terms ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle. BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye. CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead. COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage. HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. MYTH: A female moth. MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better. RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today. YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
  13. 1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. 3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night. 5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them. 10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it. 11. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first. 12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer. 13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. 14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark. 15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
  14. |"I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me."
  15. A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?" The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son." The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?" Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?" Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son." Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?" "Of course not son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"
  16. Sonny

    Grandpa

    A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa,what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.The old man slyly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out herewith no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"
  17. A Dictionary for Women Aaaack (aak) interj. An utterance upon running directly into a spider web first thing in the morning - and you don't know where the spider is. Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman. Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet. Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v. To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire." Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but *he* "made the dinner." Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them. Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church. Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks. Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms. Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a basketball game. Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store. Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician." Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon. Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus, breath push..." Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only trashy women would wear...! Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide. Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers". Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card. Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it. Zillion (zil*yen) n. The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself ...anyway.
  18. The manager of a store overheard one of his clerks talking with a customer. "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for quite some time now and it doesn't appear like we'll be getting any soon." Infuriated by what his clerk had said, the manager immediately rushed over to the customer as she was leaving and told her, "Ma'am, what you were just told simply isn't true. We'll definitely have some soon. Actually, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago." He then went over to the clerk, pulled him aside and growled, "Don't you ever tell a customer we don't have something. If we don't have it, you're to say we've ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it the customer wanted?" "Rain!" the clerk replied.
  19. A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am." The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked. "No, I didnt!" said the drunk. The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?" "No, I did not!" said the drunk again. Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??" The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
  20. There was an Asian lady who married an English gentleman and moved to London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but anyhow managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. So she brought her husband to the store...because he spoke English.
  21. Silly Dictionary Arbitrator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable \uh-avoy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do. Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with. Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Eclipse \i-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living. Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist. Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does. Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did after his bag was full of loot. Misty \miss'-tee\: How golfers create divots. Paradox \par'-of-docks\: Two physicians. Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm. Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: What penguins see with. Primate \pri'-mate\: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV. Relief \ree-leaf'\: What trees do in the spring. Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: What you do to relax your wife. Seamstress \seem'-stress\: Describes 250 pounds in a size six. Selfish \sel'-fish\: What the owner of a seafood store does. Subdued \some-dood'\: Like, a guy, like, who works on one of those, like, submarines, man. Sudafed \soo'-da-fed\: Bringing litigation against a government official.
  22. Sonny

    C-130 Warrior

    Tinwhistle, Thanks to you and Ken. It was, as you said, a "fascinating read".
  23. "I'm afraid I'll never see you in heaven, Johnny," the Sunday School teacher said to her most mischievous child. "Why," questioned Johnny, "What have you been doing wrong?" Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother. "He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have so much hair?" Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny." Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!" "I'm ashamed of you," Little Johnny's mother said. "Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do." "He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him." "When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me." "What good would that have done?" Little Johnny replied, "My aim is much better than yours." "Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?" Little Johnny's father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right." "That's okay," replied Little Johnny "At least you could try." A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are sleeping!" Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. And on this day, the teacher asked the class where they thought God lived. One little girl raised her hand, and the teacher called upon her. "I think God lives in the sky, because that is where heaven is." the girl replied. "That's good!" said the teacher. Another little boy raised his hand, and the teacher called on him. "And where do you think God lives?" she asked. Very piously, the boy answered "God lives in each of our hearts!" "That's VERY good," she smiled. When she asked a third time, Little Johnny was the only one who raised his hand. Quietly dreading his answer, the teacher asked, "And where do you think God lives, Johnny?" "In the bathroom." he said. "In the bathroom?" she asked, puzzled yet unable to stop herself. "Yes, because every morning my father beats on the bathroom door and screams 'GOD, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?' " Little Johnny comes home from his first day at school. His mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
  24. At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him. "Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'" "And then what happened?" the officer interrupted. "From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'" A redneck came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!" "Okay" replied the fireman, "How do we get there?" "Don't yall still have those big red trucks?"
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