Sonny's Funnies
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STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? A. his last battle Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? A. at the bottom of the page Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? A. liquid Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? A. marriage Q5. What is the main reason for failure? A. exams Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? A. Lunch & dinner Q7. What looks like half an apple? A. The other half Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? A. It will simply become wet Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? A. No problem, he sleeps at night. Q10. How can y…
Last reply by donwon, -
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Cleared to land but runway condition, RCR is, ahhh, maybe 12...... [ATTACH]1929[/ATTACH]
Last reply by INS/Dopplertroop, -
This was an activity listing at a resort we were at in Orlando. This is just a wrong name for a scheduled activity, especially behind the playground. WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.
Last reply by tinyclark, -
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A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely... The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating. One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurse…
Last reply by Sonny, -
I've been here in Georgia for 3 years now, but I'm not getting this. WTF?
Last reply by KF4DVG, -
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Two women were sitting quietly together, minding their own business.
Last reply by Plaprad, -
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Last reply by Fräulein, -
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Whistler, the artist, had a French poodle of which he was very fond. The poodle was very sick with an infection of the throat one day, and Whistler had the audacity to send for the great throat specialist, Mackenzie. When Mackenzie saw that he had been called to treat a dog, he felt incensed, but said nothing. He prescribed, pocketed a big fee, and drove away. The next day he sent posthaste for Whistler, and Whistler, thinking he was summoned on some matter connected with his beloved dog, dropped his work and rushed to the home of Mackenzie. On arrival the great specialist said gravely: “How do you do, Mr. Whistler? I wanted to see you about having my front…
Last reply by snowyday, -
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The indecation your dealling with an AF crew chief. Owen
Last reply by larry myers, -
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1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum. 2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? (A) '65 Ford Fairlane ( '69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or © '64 Pontiac GTO. 3. If your uncle builds a still, which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product? 4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw, which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be d…
Last reply by jackthehat, -
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Preparing For A Career As A Military Pilot This was sent from an aspiring young man who wanted to become a pilot ... a fighter pilot; Sir: I am D. J. Baker and I would appreciate it if you could tell me what it takes to be an F-16 fighter pilot in the USAF. What classes should I take in high school to help the career I want to take later in life? What could I do to get into the Air Force Academy? Sincerely, DJ Baker ********************************************* From: Van Wickler, Kenneth, Lt Col, HQ AETC Anybody in our outfit want to help this poor kid from Cyberspace? LTC Wickler ********************************************** A worldly and j…
Last reply by CharlieLifeSupport, -
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Age VS Youth F16 vs C-130 A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off. The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly Went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished With a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot Asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that? The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 Pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?' Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?' The C-130 pilot chuc…
Last reply by DC10FE, -
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An Irishman entered a barber shop for a shave. After he was seated and the lather was being applied, the barber was called to the adjoining room, where he was detained. The barber had in the shop a pet monkey which caused amusement by imitating its master. As soon as the barber had left the room the monkey seized the shaving brush. Dipped it in the lather and proceeded to apply it to the Irishman’s face. When that operation was finished to the monkey’s satisfaction, the little animal picked up a razor, and, after stropping it, turned to Pat to shave him. “Stop that!†cried Pat firmly, sitting erect. “Ye can tuck the towel in my neck, and p…
Last reply by snowyday, -
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Life And A Can Of Beer A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large, empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked …
Last reply by Sonny, -
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The skipper of a tramp steamer, writing in the log, recording an eventful day, rounded off his task with the entry: “Mate intoxicated.†To the mate, who indignantly protested on reading it, the skipper retorted: “Well, it’s true, isn’t it?†The following day it was the mate’s duty to write the log. He completed his account with “Skipper sober.†The captain stared at it for a moment, and exploded. “Well, it’s true, ain’t it?†was the mate’s rejoinder. * * * Snowyday
Last reply by C130Hcc, -
An Antartian named Babbette finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto." Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Babbette again prays... "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Babbette still has no luck. Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house and m…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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Hell or High Water One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?" Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husb…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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A psychiatrist in testing the mentality of a young soldier asked: Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell who is speaking or where the voices come from? Yes, answered the young soldier. And when does this occur? When I answer the telephone. * * * snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
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Last reply by davis, -
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head." Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to c…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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According to a researcher Alexander the Great came up with a crude timepiece for his many soldiers, consisting of a chemically treated cloth worn on the left forearm. Under the heat of the sun, the cloth changed colors every hour, providing the Macedonian warriors with the world’s first wrist watch. The device was known as Alexander’s Rag TimeBand.†The Cumberland News of Cumberland, Maryland, November 6, 1963 * * *
Last reply by donwon, -
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The young man wrapped his arms around the pretty girl. “My darling,’ he breathed “you’re all the world to me. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I love----- At that moment, the doorbell rang. The girl jumped up. It’s my fiancé,†she gasped. “You must leave at once. Oh, hurry.†The young man looked around nervously. “But how am I going to leave?†he asked anxiously. “I can’t go out by the door. Your fiancé would see me.†The girl thought quickly. “Jump out of the window,†she advised. “But we’re on the thirteenth floor.†The girl stamped her foot. “So what?†she rasped. “At this stage are you goi…
Last reply by snowyday, -
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1. Never pee on the electric fence. 2. Never fry bacon while naked.
Last reply by C130Hcc, -
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1. A day without sunshine is like night. 2. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. 9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 12. If you think nobody cares, t…
Last reply by Dearstone, -
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A Wisconsin farmer, who had a reputation as a skinflint, had two hired men and a maid. Rumors flew around that he was paying them starvation wages. A federal inspector from the Wages and Hour Administration called at the farm. “I hear you are violating the law by paying below the minimum,†the inspector said. “Oh, am I?†the farmer said angrily. “Well, there’s Willie, who milks the cows and does chores around the barn. Ask him.†Forty dollars a week, sir,†Willie said. “And there’s Sammy,†the farmer said, calling over the other hired man. Tell this man your wages.†“Forty dollars a week sir,†Sammy said. …
Last reply by snowyday,