Sonny's Funnies
2,948 topics in this forum
-
- 2 replies
- 2.2k views
1. A day without sunshine is like night. 2. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. 9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 12. If you think nobody cares, t…
Last reply by Dearstone, -
-
- 2 replies
- 1.4k views
Redneck Medical Terms Benign - What you be, after you be eight. Artery - The study of paintings Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria Barium - what doctors do when patients die Cesarean section - a neighborhood in Rome Cat scan - searching for kitty Cauterize - made eye contact with her Colic - a sheep dog coma- a punctuation mark D & C - Where Washington is Dilate - to live long Enema - Not a friend Fester - quicker than someone else Fibula - a small lie Genital - a non-Jewish person GI series - world series of military baseball Hangnail - what you hang your coat on Impotent - distinguished, well-known Labor pain - getting hurt at work medical staff…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 2 replies
- 1.8k views
Two Texas Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on Highway 77, just south of Kingsville , Texas . One of the officers was using a hand-held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the town of Kingsville . The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off. Just then a deafening roar over the mesquite tree tops on Highway 77 revealed that the radar had in fact, locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise near this, its Naval Air home base location …
Last reply by snowyday, -
- 2 replies
- 1.4k views
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a doubledecker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana . The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, 'What in the world is going on up here? We…
Last reply by gizzard, -
- 2 replies
- 1.4k views
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . 3. She was only the moonshiner's daughter, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 8. Two silk worms had a…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 2 replies
- 1.1k views
Man's Age, as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house --. Mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following: In your 20's: Stop what y…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 2 replies
- 1.5k views
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." The guy says okay, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins -- and they're all wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?" The guy replies, "I did. Today I'm taking them to the beach
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 2 replies
- 1.4k views
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back: 1. Weightlifting commentator: This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing. 2. Dressage commentator: This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother. 3. Gymnast: I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father. 4. Boxing Analyst: Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious. 5. Softball announcer: If…
Last reply by Fräulein, -
Cowboy Hat
by Sonny- 2 replies
- 1.5k views
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: "Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over and says, "Nope." Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom; undresses and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?" Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." …
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 2 replies
- 1.5k views
Subject: COCKPIT DUTIES A few years ago on a long Air NZ flight; I asked if I could visit the cockpit.. When I got up there, I found four crewmen. I asked the first what he did, and he explained that he was the navigator and what his responsibilities were. I turned to next one and asked what he did. He explained that he was the engineer and his job was to monitor and troubleshoot any system problems; To keep the flight operating smoothly. I turned to the next one and asked what he did. He explained that as the captain he was responsible for everything on the airplane and the functioning of the crew. So I then turned to the young first officer and asked …
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 2 replies
- 6k views
Subject: The Alaskan Barbie Collection - Just in Time for Christmas Giving! Juneau Barbie: Juneau Barbie has a good job working for the State. She gets to travel to Anchorage frequently, where she buys her clothes at Eddie Bauer and Nordstrom. She keeps herself in tip top shape, and participates in the Kluane bike race, as well as the Skagway to Whitehorse Klondike run. She and her girlfriends love to drink, dance, and sing together, re-living their athletic accomplishments. Juneau Barbie has a lot of help around the house because Juneau Ken lost his politically appointed position during the last change of administration. Juneau Ken works part time as a "co…
Last reply by ElijahChavez, -
- 2 replies
- 1.6k views
"BALLS TO THE WALL" IS A TERM THAT PILOTS USE THAT HAS ORIGINS FROM THE EARLIER DAYS OF FLIGHT, WHEN THE THROTTLE, PROP CONTROL, AND MIXTURE HAD KNOBS THAT MADE IT EASIER FOR THE PILOT TO GRIP ...FULL FORWARD TO THE INSTRUMENT PANEL ..."BALLS TO THE WALL." St Louis Approach control... St. Louis Approach to United: "United 123 best forward speed to the outer marker, you are Number 1." United 123 (male voice): “Roger, balls to the wall." St. Louis Approach to American: "American 4321, you're Number 2 behind a United 737, follow him, cleared visual, at best forward speed." American 4321 (female voice): "Well I can't do balls to the wall, but I ca…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 2 replies
- 1.3k views
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 2 replies
- 1.3k views
Morris Schwartz is dying and is on his deathbed. He is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, and knows the end is near. So he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses." "Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza ." "Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center ." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown" The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says to the wife, "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated so much property." Sarah replies, "Property shmoperty...the schmuck had…
Last reply by gizzard, -
- 2 replies
- 1.3k views
Mo attends to a revival and listens to the sermon. After a while, the pastor asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Mo gets in line and, when it’s his turn the pastor asks, “Mo, what do you want me to pray about?†Mo says, “Pastor, I need you to pray for my hearing.†So the pastor puts one finger in Mo’s ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays for a while. He removes his hands and says, “Mo how’s your hearing now?†Mo says, “I don’t know pastor, it’s not until next Monday.
Last reply by Sonny, -
After getting all of the Pope's luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb. 'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?' 'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.' 'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.. 'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 2 replies
- 1.3k views
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener. If a man with no arms has a gun, is he armed? Man cannot live by bread alone, unless he's locked in a cage and that's all you feed him. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do" is the longest sentence? Imitation is not the sincerest form of flattery. Stalking is. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn'…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 2 replies
- 1.6k views
Yogi Berra Quotes Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked. If you don't know where you're going, chances are you will end up somewhere else. (When bumped by a man carrying a grandfather clock) Why can't you wear a watch like everybody else? I really didn't say everything I said. If you ask me a question I don't know, I'm not going to answer. It ain't the heat; it's the humility. It's deja-vu all over again. You should always go to other people's funerals. Otherwise they won't come to yours. The only reason I need these gloves is 'cause of my hands. You can't think and hit at the same time. If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be. …
Last reply by Sonny, -
It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!" I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee." I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE! I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the mic and shouted …
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 2 replies
- 1.5k views
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I knew they would eventually release the ingredients in Viagra! . Vitamin E 3% . Aspirin 2% . Ibuprofen 2% . Vitamin C 1% . Spray Starch 5% . Fix-A-Flat 87% > > >
Last reply by jrkaegi, -
- 2 replies
- 1.1k views
Martha Stewart's Way vs My Way Helpful tips from Martha Stewart, and the way you are most likely to do it. Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for pete's sake, you are probably laying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway. You know we don't have anything better to do. Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time. My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them ou…
Last reply by Mt.crewchief, -
- 2 replies
- 2k views
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here." A dyslexic man walks into a bra. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 2 replies
- 1.7k views
A woman is in bed with her lover who happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation ... (She is speaking in a cheery voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye." She hangs up the telephone, and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh," she replies," that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having with you on his fishing tr…
Last reply by C130Hcc, -
- 2 replies
- 1.5k views
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rew…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 2 replies
- 1.8k views
ADULT TRUTHS 1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 6. Was learning cursive really necessary? 7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person di…
Last reply by Mt.crewchief,