Sonny's Funnies
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Rejected Hallmark Cards So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay. ~~~ My tire was thumping... I thought it was flat... when I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat... Sorry! ~~~ You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends. ~~~ You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff! ~~~ Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy. ~~~
Last reply by Plaprad, -
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They had just emerged from an air-raid shelter. Said the girl. “Herbert, you really shouldn’t have kissed me like that, with all those people around us, even if it was dark.†“I didn’t kiss you,†said Herbert looking angrily around the crowd. “I only wish to know who it was — I’d teach him.†“Herbert,†sighed the girl, “you couldn’t teach him anything.†* * * * snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
The Nympho
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Late at night this guy runs into a pub and gets a glass of water from the bartender. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six glasses later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he gasps. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the bartender. The guy says, "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't." "Where's your car?" the bartender asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps. "Tell you what," says the bartender, "you watch the bar for me while I go out and take your place." "Be my guest, the br…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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They just opened up http://aviationhumor.net/ yesterday. Some pretty funny stuff. Here's one ya'll might like. While taxiing out in sequence behind a Lufthansa airliner at Frankfurt, a C-130 crew noticed an orange “Remove before flight†streamer hanging out of the Lufthansa nose wheel well (their nose gear locking pin was still installed). Not wanting to cause too much embarrassment by going thru the controller, the 130 crew simply called the Lufthansa aircraft on the tower frequency: “Lufthansa aircraft, Herky 23.†No reply. They repeated the transmission and again there was no reply. Instead, the Lufthansa pilot called the tower and asked the tower to tell the…
Last reply by Skip Davenport, -
“I have a pain in my abdomen.†The recruit told the Army doctor. “Young man,†the doctor replied, “officers have abdomens, sergeants have stomachs, you have a belly ache.†Times Record of Troy, New York, December 24, 1943. * * * Snowyday
Last reply by gizzard, -
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At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him. "Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'" "And then what happened?" the officer interrupted. "From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"
Last reply by Sonny, -
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With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No" said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No I haven’t" he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar…
Last reply by Sonny, -
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. "But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."
Last reply by Sonny, -
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Pelosium: A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Pelosium.. Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311. These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. The symbol of Pelosium is PU. Pelosium's mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium molecule, leading to the for…
Last reply by Dan Wilson, -
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You Know You're Getting Old When... You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it. You can live without sex, but not without glasses. Your back goes out more than you do. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. You buy a compass for the dash of your car. You are proud of your lawn mower. Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. You sing along with the elevator music. You would rather go to work than stay home sick. You enjoy hearing about other peo…
Last reply by Bruce Kapaun, -
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I have a tape recording of some songs done by someone in the 7th SOS I acquired while stationed at Hurlburt Field back in the early 80's and am trying to get the history on songs. If anyone is familiar you can reach my email at [email protected].
Last reply by mongo, -
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An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each others values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each others company. After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little. "Perhaps I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but... How's your health?" "It's OK", he answers. "I'm not getting any younger, but I don't have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life". "Well, then", she replies "I don't want to be a snoop, but I've got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?" "So-so.…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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[ATTACH]1191[/ATTACH]
Last reply by Fräulein, -
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing si…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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The mule was obstinate, and balking time and time again. But at each halt, the old farmer crawled patiently from the wagon, gathered a handful of dirt and crammed it into the animal’s mouth. Just as often, the mule spat it out. A passerby asked, “Does that do any good?†The farmer squinted at him thoughtfully. “Can’t say for sure, stranger,†he drawled at last. “But leastways, it takes the critter’s mind off what he’s doing.†* * * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
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Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here." A dyslexic man walks into a bra. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."…
Last reply by Sonny, -
The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the theater. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?" "Sam," the cowboy moaned. …
Last reply by Sonny, -
It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says. That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie. Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says, "Wha...aaat?" "Yeah," says Peggy Sue's …
Last reply by Sonny, -
Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on. Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live. Happiness comes through doors you didn’t even know you left open. Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them? Most of us will go to our graves with our music still inside of us. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet? You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person. Some mistakes are too much fun to only…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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An elderly woman living in the wild untamed vastness of the Tennessee mountains fell ill and a doctor was summoned. He prescribed some medicine in the form of capsules, but he found it very difficult to induce his patient to take them. She finally agreed. A few days later her son finding her sitting up and feeling much better, suggested she celebrate her improvement with a smoke from her old pipe. He filling her old pipe, and taking a live coal from the hearth, carried both to his mother. “Take that away,†cried the old woman in terror. “Don’t you know better than to come near me with that fire while I’ve got those cartridges in me.†* * *…
Last reply by snowyday, -
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An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you kno…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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The Love Story of Ralph And Edna Ralph and Edna were good friends, and also patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able …
Last reply by tusker, -
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If a herk catches fire on the flight line and there are planes on both sides of it, why do you tow the planes on each side instead of the plane on fire? Answer, The man riding breaks might be overcome by smoke.
Last reply by fenmonster, -
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I know many of you are looking forward to the upcoming college football season. Well, here's a little recap of last year......... Alabama beat Arkansas and Arkansas fired their coach. Alabama beat Tennessee and Tennessee fired their coach. Alabama beat Auburn and Auburn fired their coach. Then Alabama beat Notre Dame, and the Pope resigned. Question: How do we get the Congress to play Alabama?
Last reply by donwon, -
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A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment -- to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back to class and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One day we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a big mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. "Now, how about you, Lucy?" "We're farmers, too. But we raise our …
Last reply by Fräulein,