Sonny's Funnies
2,948 topics in this forum
-
- 2 replies
- 1.3k views
Cool REAL Signs! At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator) "Best Place in Town to take a Leak" Sign over a gynecologist's office "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband tried to fix." On the trucks of a local plumbing comp any in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout" Door of a plastic surgeon's office: “Can we pick your nose or would you rather do it" At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the ma…
Last reply by Sonny, -
-
First Date
by Sonny- 2 replies
- 1.7k views
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she…
Last reply by hlg6016, -
- 2 replies
- 1.3k views
I went to the shop the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there was a traffic officer writing a parking ticket for over-running the meter. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, how about giving a man a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for also having parked partially on the pavement!! So I called him a son of a mutant pig. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes and the more I abus…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 2 replies
- 1.1k views
Enjoy
Last reply by Dutch, -
- 2 replies
- 881 views
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately. Henry go…
Last reply by Sonny, -
I was visiting my granddaughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century," she said. We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad." I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him.
Last reply by Mt.crewchief, -
- 2 replies
- 1.1k views
Old Lady's Phone An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found..... 1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground …
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 2 replies
- 1k views
All Booked Up A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The Farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 2 replies
- 744 views
Things Never Said by Rednecks: -- Duct tape won't fix that. -- Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. -- We don't keep firearms in the house. -- You can't feed that to the dog. -- The kids can't ride in the back of the pickup -- it's just not safe. -- Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? -- We're vegetarians. -- Do you think my gut is too big? -- Honey, we don't need another dog. -- Who's Richard Petty? -- We could just share a small bag of pork rinds .-- Too many deer heads detract from the decor .-- I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today .-- Is there anything in this restaurant that's NOT fried? -- T…
Last reply by casey, -
- 2 replies
- 768 views
More Ponderings : When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in? If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away? Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is? Why do 'tug'boats push their barges? Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there? Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting? Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission? Why does one get in tr…
Last reply by Sonny, -
Grandma was outside pulling weeds on a hot summer day when her grandpa walked up and asked her what they were having for dinner. Irritated by the thought of him sitting in the air conditioned house while she labored away on the weeds, she snapped, "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Pretend I'm out of town, go inside and make dinner yourself!" So grandpa went back in the house and fixed himself a nice big juicy steak, potatoes, garlic bread, and a tall beer. Grandma walked in just about the time he was finishing up and asked, "Where's my dinner?" "Huh? I thought you were out of town."
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 1 reply
- 2.2k views
Rejected Hallmark Cards So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay. ~~~ My tire was thumping... I thought it was flat... when I looked at the tire... I noticed your cat... Sorry! ~~~ You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends. ~~~ You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff! ~~~ Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I had mine I got real snippy. ~~~
Last reply by Plaprad, -
- 1 reply
- 1.9k views
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed 5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up." 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't k…
Last reply by Fräulein, -
- 1 reply
- 1.9k views
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment -- to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back to class and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One day we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a big mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. "Now, how about you, Lucy?" "We're farmers, too. But we raise our …
Last reply by Fräulein, -
- 1 reply
- 1.9k views
What do you call a Democrat with half a brain? Gifted. Military expert Barack Obama thinks that an Offensive Nuke is a dirty microwave oven. The Obama economy utilizes a system of carefully monitored checks and balances. He writes the checks, you pay the balance. Liberals area asking us to give Obama some time We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate America needs obamacare like Pelosi needs a halloween mask. What's the difference between Obama and his dog? His dog has papers! What's the difference between a Democrat and a prostitute? The prostitute gives value for the money she takes. How many Democrats does it take to change a light bu…
Last reply by tusker, -
- 1 reply
- 1.7k views
Last reply by Fräulein, -
- 1 reply
- 1.7k views
California: The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog. #1. Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural. #2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it. #3. He calls veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200 testing it for diseases. #4. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound bandaged. #5. Running trail gets shut down for 6 months wh…
Last reply by jackthehat, -
- 1 reply
- 1.8k views
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJVU-7WinQc&feature=
Last reply by TSgtRet, -
- 1 reply
- 2k views
[ATTACH]1191[/ATTACH]
Last reply by Fräulein, -
- 1 reply
- 2.1k views
They just opened up http://aviationhumor.net/ yesterday. Some pretty funny stuff. Here's one ya'll might like. While taxiing out in sequence behind a Lufthansa airliner at Frankfurt, a C-130 crew noticed an orange “Remove before flight†streamer hanging out of the Lufthansa nose wheel well (their nose gear locking pin was still installed). Not wanting to cause too much embarrassment by going thru the controller, the 130 crew simply called the Lufthansa aircraft on the tower frequency: “Lufthansa aircraft, Herky 23.†No reply. They repeated the transmission and again there was no reply. Instead, the Lufthansa pilot called the tower and asked the tower to tell the…
Last reply by Skip Davenport, -
Quote
by trev130eng- 1 reply
- 1.6k views
Give me power and give me the ability to fly and i don't give a s'''it about the rest. YAF pilot.
Last reply by tinyclark, -
- 1 reply
- 2.1k views
I have a tape recording of some songs done by someone in the 7th SOS I acquired while stationed at Hurlburt Field back in the early 80's and am trying to get the history on songs. If anyone is familiar you can reach my email at [email protected].
Last reply by mongo, -
- 1 reply
- 1.8k views
POLK COUNTY FLORIDA SHERIFF GRADY JUDD An illegal alien in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop on September 28, 2009 ended up 'executing' the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close …
Last reply by bobdaley, -
"Wow, this is a keeper!" OK, maybe not...
Last reply by Plaprad, -
- 1 reply
- 1.9k views
There I was at six thousand feet over central Iraq, two hundred eighty knots and we're dropping faster than Paris Hilton's panties. It's a typical September evening in the Persian Gulf; hotter than a rectal thermometer and I'm sweating like a priest at a Cub Scout meeting. But that's neither here nor there. The night is moonless over Baghdad tonight, and blacker than a Steven King novel. But it's 2004, folks, and I'm sporting the latest in night-combat technology. Namely, hand-me-down night vision goggles (NVGs) thrown out by the fighter boys. Additionally, my 1962 Lockheed C-130E Hercules is equipped with an obsolete, yet, semi-effective missile warning system…
Last reply by TSgtRet,