Sonny's Funnies
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A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment -- to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back to class and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One day we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a big mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher. "Now, how about you, Lucy?" "We're farmers, too. But we raise our …
Last reply by Fräulein, -
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Interesting History They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & Sold to the tannery.......if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor" But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot......they "didn't have a pot to piss in" & were the lowest of the low The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s: Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and …
Last reply by uncleglenn, -
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This police officer sees an old lady driving and knitting at the same time, so after driving next to her for awhile he yells to her, "PULLOVER". She replies, "No a pair of socks".
Last reply by donwon, -
Barbershop
by Sonny- 0 replies
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A chief and an admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves--the barbers were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that shit on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
Last reply by Sonny, -
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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?†The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.†“Onions?†the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.†This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?†The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. …
Last reply by Sonny, -
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What do you call a Democrat with half a brain? Gifted. Military expert Barack Obama thinks that an Offensive Nuke is a dirty microwave oven. The Obama economy utilizes a system of carefully monitored checks and balances. He writes the checks, you pay the balance. Liberals area asking us to give Obama some time We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate America needs obamacare like Pelosi needs a halloween mask. What's the difference between Obama and his dog? His dog has papers! What's the difference between a Democrat and a prostitute? The prostitute gives value for the money she takes. How many Democrats does it take to change a light bu…
Last reply by tusker, -
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Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean. The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life. A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it. Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: "Quick... tell me which b…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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Entering a lawyer’s office, in a small “Tennessee†town, a buxom wife from the hills said: “I ain’t a complaining woman, Mr. Smith, but my husband ain’t doin’ rite. When one of our mules died, he hitched me up with the other one to a plow.†“Why, that’s inhuman!†declared the lawyer. “Do you want a divorce?†“Nope,†she answered. “But I’ve about worked that skinny old mule to death, and he ought to have a rest.†* * * * snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
Q. When is a retiree's bedtime? A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch. Q. How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? A. Only one, but it might take all day. Q. What's the biggest gripe of retirees? A. There is not enough time to get everything done. Q. Why don't retirees mind being called senior citizens? A. The term comes with a 10% discount. Q. Among retirees what is considered formal attire? A. Tied shoes. Q. Why do retirees count pennies? A. They are the only ones who have the time. Q. What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? A. NUTS! Q. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the base…
Last reply by Sonny, -
A man walks into a bar, sits down and immediately hears a little voice that says, "Nice tie". He looks around and then hears, "Nice shirt". The man, now getting flustered, asks the bartender, "What's that voice?". Bartender replies, "Oh that's just the peanuts. They're complimentary".
Last reply by Sonny, -
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Minnesota as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's just finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Leon... Your neighbor from four miles away... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam. "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Leon is leavi…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed 5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up." 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't k…
Last reply by Fräulein, -
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There I was at six thousand feet over central Iraq, two hundred eighty knots and we're dropping faster than Paris Hilton's panties. It's a typical September evening in the Persian Gulf; hotter than a rectal thermometer and I'm sweating like a priest at a Cub Scout meeting. But that's neither here nor there. The night is moonless over Baghdad tonight, and blacker than a Steven King novel. But it's 2004, folks, and I'm sporting the latest in night-combat technology. Namely, hand-me-down night vision goggles (NVGs) thrown out by the fighter boys. Additionally, my 1962 Lockheed C-130E Hercules is equipped with an obsolete, yet, semi-effective missile warning system…
Last reply by TSgtRet, -
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An Army Colonel and an Air Force CMsgt were getting haircuts at the base barbershop. The Colonel's barber was about finished and asked "does the Colonel want some hair tonic"? The Colonel said "No way, my wife will think I smell like a French house of ill repute". The other barber was finishing up about the same time and asked "Chief, would you like some hair tonic". The Chief replied "why yes I would, my wife doesn't know what a house of ill repute smells like".
Last reply by C130Hcc, -
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Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company, responsible for the accident, to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, 'I'm fine', at the scene of the accident?" asked the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..." "I didn't ask for a long, drawn-out story," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!" Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..." The lawye…
Last reply by Sonny, -
Embarrassed
by Sonny- 0 replies
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A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up. Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!" The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"
Last reply by Sonny, -
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POLK COUNTY FLORIDA SHERIFF GRADY JUDD An illegal alien in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop on September 28, 2009 ended up 'executing' the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close …
Last reply by bobdaley, -
A guy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what guys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. As things really started getting hot, the girl stopped the guy and said, "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The guy reluctantly paid her, and they went on with their business. After they finished, the guy lit up a cigarette, sat back in the driver's seat and stared out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
Last reply by Sonny, -
The Cowboy
by Sonny- 0 replies
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A young scruffy looking cowboy went in to a local saloon to have a drink, and the local yokels decided to pull a prank. After he had a few he went out to get on his horse...it was gone. He went back inside with his hand on his holster and growled "Bring my horse back now, you don't want to know what I will do it you don't. " They all looked at him. He snarled "I mean it. Now boys!" They looked at him and then several slipped out the back door. After a few minutes and the cowboy had another drink he went out to check for his horse and found it. He was climbing on when the bartender who had followed him asked, "Son, what WOULD you have done?" The cowboy sighed, "Walked back…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies. One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa. The deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other. "Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE". So, they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a littl…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJVU-7WinQc&feature=
Last reply by TSgtRet, -
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Things to Ponder 1- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. 2- There are two kinds of pedestrians . . . The quick and the dead. 3- Life is sexually transmitted. 4- Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 5- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. 6- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. 7- Have you noticed since everyone has a cell phone these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? 8- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. 9- All of us could take a lesson from …
Last reply by Sonny, -
"Wow, this is a keeper!" OK, maybe not...
Last reply by Plaprad, -
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A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border. "May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent. "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy.. "Sure buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent. "But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other." "This I gotta see," replied the agent. With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind. "By golly, you're ri…
Last reply by SEFEGeorge, -
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BREAST TYPES There are many types of breasts out there, but until now, many people experienced problems communicating what particular breasts were like until now... . . Itty bitty titties ()() Little breasts (.)(.) Nice breasts (o)(o) Perfect breasts (D)(D) Bullets (O)(O) Handful breasts (~0~)(~0~) Stretch mark breasts \o/.\o/ Grandma's breasts [o][o] Breasts during a mammogram * ^ * Flat chest (+0(+0) Fake silicone breasts (*)(*) High nipple breasts (@)(@) Big nipple breasts oo A cups {O}{O} D cups (^)(^) Cold breasts (<)(<) Perky breasts (o)(O) Lopsided breasts (Q)(O) Pierced breasts (p)(p) Hanging tassels breasts (-)(-) …
Last reply by Railrunner130,
