Sonny's Funnies
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Not necessarily my thoughts. How do you starve a Democrat? Hide their food stamps under their work boots.
Last reply by tinyclark, -
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Age VS Youth F16 vs C-130 A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off. The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly Went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished With a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot Asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that? The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 Pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?' Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?' The C-130 pilot chuc…
Last reply by DC10FE, -
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USAF reactions to this event follow: Air Education and Training Command: The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures. Road-crossing should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least three miles of visibility and a safety observer. Special Ops: The chicken crossed at a 90 degree angle to avoid prolonged exposure to a line of communication. To achieve maximum surprise, the chicken should have performed this maneuver at night using NVG’s, preferably near a road bend in a valley. Air Combat Command: The chicken should log this as a GCC sortie only if road-crossing qualified. The crossin…
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Gus Edwards, Mechanic’s Mate, is one of the Navy’s most seasoned tale spinners. One day he was sitting with a group of English tars, discussing the relative merits of British and American ships. “I’m curious about your carriers,†one English tar said, How fast are they?†Old Gus looked at him and replied, “To tell you the truth, I don’t know. We’ve never really opened them up. All they’ve been required to do so far is to keep up with the planes.†* * * snowyday
Last reply by gizzard, -
Two sailors returning to their base late one night lost their way. Said Joe: “Hey Mac, we must be in the cemetery. There’s a gravestone.†“Yeah,†said Mac. “Whose is it?†Joe lit a match and replied, “I dunno but he sure lived to a ripe old age of 175.†“Well, what’s his name?†insisted Mac. Joe lit another match and replied, Some guy named Miles from Memphis. * * * snowyday
Last reply by Jansen, -
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I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year. Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel. I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the channels. I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime w…
Last reply by donwon, -
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Mission: Go to GAP, Buy a Pair of Jeans
Last reply by Sparks, -
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John Deere Tractor
Last reply by GVS, -
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A motorist whose car broke down one night on a lonely road in Northern Ireland found humble but hospitable accommodation in a small croft nearby. Next morning his breakfast consisted mainly of a large bowl of porridge. During the meal he was astonished to find himself rather popular with a small pig, which nuzzled against his legs in a most affectionate and persistent manner. At last he remarked to his host: “Your pig seems to have taken a great liking to me. I didn’t know a pig could be so affectionate.†“Oh, it’s not you it likes,†was the Irishman’s reply. “It’s just that you’re using his bowl.†* * * * snowyday
Last reply by gizzard, -
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Little Eddie called at the door of a trusted neighbor, holding a large sack which contained, in his estimation, his most precious possessions – his marbles. In a businesslike manner, he said: “I want you to keep these for me, Mrs. Jones, until I call for them.†Mrs. Jones asked him why he didn't leave them at home. The lad replied: “I heard mother say this morning that she was going to make a marble cake for the School Mother’s Club, and I don’t want her to use any of my marbles. * * * * snowyday
Last reply by Muff Millen, -
Beer Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." -- Babe Ruth An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. -- Ernest Hemingway When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. -- Paul Hornung 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not. -- H.L. Mencken When w…
Last reply by Mt.crewchief, -
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Things You Read on T-Shirts: Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either. I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound as they go flying by. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person. I Haven't Lost My Mind. It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE; 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus. 3) You become Santa Claus. 4) You start to look like Santa Claus. Some days you are the pigeon. …
Last reply by C130Hcc, -
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BREAST TYPES There are many types of breasts out there, but until now, many people experienced problems communicating what particular breasts were like until now... . . Itty bitty titties ()() Little breasts (.)(.) Nice breasts (o)(o) Perfect breasts (D)(D) Bullets (O)(O) Handful breasts (~0~)(~0~) Stretch mark breasts \o/.\o/ Grandma's breasts [o][o] Breasts during a mammogram * ^ * Flat chest (+0(+0) Fake silicone breasts (*)(*) High nipple breasts (@)(@) Big nipple breasts oo A cups {O}{O} D cups (^)(^) Cold breasts (<)(<) Perky breasts (o)(O) Lopsided breasts (Q)(O) Pierced breasts (p)(p) Hanging tassels breasts (-)(-) …
Last reply by Railrunner130, -
Man-Woman
Last reply by jmitch, -
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Seven Dwarves
Last reply by Dan Wilson, -
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SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT:…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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Standing on the dock, Patrick bade farewell to his son, who was sailing away to the new world to seek his fortune. “Michael, my boy,†he admonished, “remember the three bones and ye’ll get ahead all right.†When the young man had departed, a stranger who had overheard the remark asked Patrick to explain what he meant by the three bones. “Sure now,†replied the canny Irishman, “and wouldn’t that be the wishbone, the jawbone and the backbone? It’s the wishbone that keeps you wanting the good things of life, and it’s the jawbone that helps you to find out how to go after them, if you’re not too proud to ask questions, and it’s t…
Last reply by pwylie, -
Friendship
by Sonny- 1 reply
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Friendship ~ None of that Sissy Stuff Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cute little smiley faces on this ~Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship. 1. When you are sad ~ I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. 2. When you are blue ~ I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile ~ I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in. 4. When you are scared…
Last reply by Mt.crewchief, -
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A poor West Virginia farmer worked as hard as any human could, his entire life. His only reward was the constant nagging, ass-chewing and growling from his nasty tempered wife. He would often talk to his mule and enjoyed its company as he plowed, logged, and drug hay from the fields. One particularly hard, hot day, she comes out and just rants and raves about something he hadn't quite got around to yet. As she walked behind the mule, it laid its ears back and kicked her right in the head, and she was dead before she hit the ground. So being the good man that he was, the farmer gave her a decent funeral. After the service and everything, the undertaker walked up to the m…
Last reply by jmitch, -
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Saw this picture and laughed.
Last reply by Fräulein, -
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Farmer Jones took his pig to town and sold it. With the money he bought a suit, a pair of shoes, and a hat. Then tucked the bundle under the seat of his wagon and said, “Giddap, Dobbin let’s get home and surprise Miranda.†On his way home he stopped at the river, took off his old clothes, threw then in the water and watched them sink. Then he looked under the seat for his new outfit. It was gone. Back on the seat he climbed and said, “Giddap, Dobbin, we’ll surprise her anyway.†* * * *
Last reply by jrkaegi, -
A wife asks her husband: ''Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have eggs, get six.'' A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk. The wife asks him: ''Why did you buy six cartons of milk?'' He replies: ''They had eggs.''
Last reply by C130Hcc, -
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A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine..."
Last reply by nascarpop, -
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1 way to shutdown the stupid habit Subject: Eric's train ride After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart it’s Eric, I’m on the train – yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meet ing – no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life – yes, I’m sure, cross my heart†etc., etc. Fifteen minutes later, he wa…
Last reply by Efltnor, -
After he became Britain’s prime minister in 1940 Sir Winston Churchill, with a view to conserving manpower, ordered film studies to be made of all military operations. Examining films of a typical firing of an artillery piece, Churchill noticed that of the six-man crew assisting in the operation one man merely stood at attention. Inquiry showed the sixth man was there to hold the reins of the horses. Yet artillery pieces had not been horse-drawn since the early days of World War I. * * *
Last reply by Dan Wilson,