Sonny's Funnies
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A man walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Im sorry, I cant serve you here unless you are wearing a tie." The man says, "Okay, Ill be right back," and goes to his car to find anything he can use for a tie. All he finds is a set of jumper cables, so he ties them around his neck, goes back in and asks, "Hows this?" The bartender replies, "Well, okay, but don't start anything."
Last reply by Sonny, -
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A man walks into a bar, sits down and immediately hears a little voice that says, "Nice tie". He looks around and then hears, "Nice shirt". The man, now getting flustered, asks the bartender, "What's that voice?". Bartender replies, "Oh that's just the peanuts. They're complimentary".
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Just might want to get one of these.
Last reply by Fräulein, -
A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots, and leaves."
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One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts." she whispered in his ear. "It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $146.50!"
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One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts." she whispered in his ear. "It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $146.50!"
Last reply by Sonny, -
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A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his flying days during the war. "In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared. (At this point, several of the children giggle.) I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me." At this instant the girls in the auditorium start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I t…
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There I was at six thousand feet over central Iraq, two hundred eighty knots and we're dropping faster than Paris Hilton's panties. It's a typical September evening in the Persian Gulf; hotter than a rectal thermometer and I'm sweating like a priest at a Cub Scout meeting. But that's neither here nor there. The night is moonless over Baghdad tonight, and blacker than a Steven King novel. But it's 2004, folks, and I'm sporting the latest in night-combat technology. Namely, hand-me-down night vision goggles (NVGs) thrown out by the fighter boys. Additionally, my 1962 Lockheed C-130E Hercules is equipped with an obsolete, yet, semi-effective missile warning system…
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A Pious Man
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A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?" The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
Last reply by Sonny, -
A Pious Man
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A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?" The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
Last reply by Sonny, -
Man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.... "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it's 3 am in the morning and it's bloomin' well pouring with rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should hel…
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A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress, wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit, came to his table and asked if he was ready to order: "What would you like, sir?" He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers: "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers: "A quickie, please." This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and st…
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Last reply by Fräulein, -
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I am a senior citizen... - I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm. - I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer. - I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going. - I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid... - I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go. - I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. - I'm smiling all the time because I c…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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I am a senior citizen... - I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm - I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer. - I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going. - I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid... - I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go. - I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. - I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying. - I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over. - I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine. - I'm so cared…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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A Senior Citizen I am a senior citizen... - I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm. - I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer. - I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going. - I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid... - I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go. - I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. - I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying. - I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over. - I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine. - I'm so c…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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A Telephone Salesman telephoned a household, and a four-year-old boy answered. The conversation went thus: Salesman: May I speak to your mother? Boy: She's not here. Salesman: Well, is anyone else there? Boy: My sister. Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her? Boy: I guess so. At this point there was a very long silence on the phone. Then: Boy: Hello? Salesman: It's you. I thought you were going to call your sister. Boy: I did. But I can't get her out of the playpen
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A Texan in Ireland A Texan walks in to a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. Ill give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texans offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good? asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back. The ot…
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A Texan in Ireland A Texan walks in to a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. Ill give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texans offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good? asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all …
Last reply by Sonny, -
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A Thoughtful Valentine's Day Gift Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day. 'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.' 'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.' Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'
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A wise person once said… 1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are without clothes . 2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS. 3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband. 4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preference…
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Nancy and Pat, aged 8 and 9, were at their new television set, watching the atomic explosion at Yucca Flat. Nancy broke the moment of awed silence after the gigantic explosion: Boy, they sure don’t care what they do to Nevada, do they?†But Pat explained loftily: Don’t be silly, Nancy. They have to make a place to put Hawaii when it gets to be the 49th state. * * * From the Times Record of Troy, New York dated 15 May 1953 (This was the atomic blast of March 17, 1953, at Yucca Flat, Nevada Proving Ground.) mds
Last reply by snowyday, -
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything. When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of …
Last reply by Sonny, -
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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter ‘What are you doing?’ ! She asked. ‘Hunting Flies’ He responded. ‘Oh. ! Killing any?’ She asked. ‘Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,’ he replied. Intrigued, she asked. ‘How can you tell them apart?’ ! He responded, ’3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone
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An elderly woman living in the wild untamed vastness of the Tennessee mountains fell ill and a doctor was summoned. He prescribed some medicine in the form of capsules, but he found it very difficult to induce his patient to take them. She finally agreed. A few days later her son finding her sitting up and feeling much better, suggested she celebrate her improvement with a smoke from her old pipe. He filling her old pipe, and taking a live coal from the hearth, carried both to his mother. “Take that away,†cried the old woman in terror. “Don’t you know better than to come near me with that fire while I’ve got those cartridges in me.†* * *…
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