Sonny's Funnies
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Blonde Joke
by Sonny- 0 replies
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Julie, the blonde, was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie,"Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked. "Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" a…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion."
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 2 replies
- 1.8k views
Two Texas Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on Highway 77, just south of Kingsville , Texas . One of the officers was using a hand-held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the town of Kingsville . The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off. Just then a deafening roar over the mesquite tree tops on Highway 77 revealed that the radar had in fact, locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise near this, its Naval Air home base location …
Last reply by snowyday, -
- 0 replies
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The barmaid was a flirt, and, when the corporal went out to buy a paper she leaned invitingly over the bar with her face close to the private’s. “Now’s your chance, darling†she whispered. The private looked around the room. It was empty. “So it is,†he remarked—and promptly drained the corporals glass. * * * Snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
- 1 reply
- 1.8k views
John Deere Tractor
Last reply by GVS, -
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From the Associated Press comes a story they’re telling in the Caribbean---and swearing it’s true: A transport lay in the harbor getting ready to sail with a detachment of troops ordered back to the good ol’ U.S.A. The soldiers stood about beside their barracks bags, awaiting their turn to go up the gangplank. Suddenly, from the group, one broke and ran, shouting at the top of his voice. “I’m not going aboard that boat, and you can’t make me!†Two burly M.P.’s gave chase. Quickly they overhauled him. A lusty session of rough-and-tumble ensued, at the end of which the fugitive, overpowered, was half carried aboard ship. The M.P.’s rubbed their…
Last reply by snowyday, -
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A man went to the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure was to take place, a nurse came in to check his vitals. Then she asked him to take his clothes off. When he had undressed, she instructed him to lie down on the table. Then the nurse took off her clothes, climbed on top of him and had her way with him. Afterwards, the startled man tried to catch his breath and then he asked her what that was all about. She explained that studies have shown that, before a vasectomy, if the man ejaculates, he will be more relaxed and procedure becomes easier for the surgeon. Then the nurse wheeled the man over to the operating room. While they were tr…
Last reply by uncleglenn, -
- 0 replies
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On a busy day a woman walked into the office of the court room in Atlanta, Georgia and addressing Judge Blank, said: “Are you the reprobate judge?†“I am the probate judge.†“That is what I was saying,†she said, “and I have come to you because I am in trouble. My husband was studying to be a minister at a college seminary, and he died detested and left three little infields, and I have come to be appointed their executioner.†* * * * snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
- 0 replies
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We all have had the annoying experience of calling up a hotline and waiting on the phone for eons to hear all the choices the lucky touch-tone choices. Well, think how frustrating that would be if you were calling the.... PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE: The telephone rings and an answering machine answers... "Welcome to the psychiatric hotline." If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call. If you are a schi…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 2 replies
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ADULT TRUTHS 1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 6. Was learning cursive really necessary? 7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person di…
Last reply by Mt.crewchief, -
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There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad. The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally. The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!" The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear." He continued, " Leo you change with Jerry. Tony you change with Bert and Bob you change with Ed." THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on thi…
Last reply by tinyclark, -
The woman sitting in the specialist’s waiting room was portly. At a summons from an attendant, she arose and waddled into the specialist’s sanctum. The doctor threw up his hands in horror. My good woman!†he exclaimed, “you are stouter than ever! Have you been following the treatment I prescribed? Are you quite sure you ate exactly what I ordered?†“Everything,†replied the patient. “And nothing else?†“Nothing whatever,†she replied. “Except of course, my regular meals.†* * * * snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
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A Dog's Life If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. - Unknown Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies. - Gene Hill In dog years, I'm dead. - Unknown To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. - Aldous Huxley A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite …
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 2 replies
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Who are those people who are cheering, asked the draftee, as the soldiers marched to the train. Those, replied the veteran, are the people who are not going. Snowyday
Last reply by INS/Dopplertroop, -
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As the battalion marched on, one weary soldier fell out. Sitting down by the roadside he took off his boots to rest his feet. “How far is it to the camp?†he asked a passing farmhand. “About four miles as the crow flies†was the reply. “Ay,†replied the soldier, “but s’pose the blinkin’ crow had to carry a rifle and pack weighing ‘arf a ton and with blisters on both heels, how far is it then?†* * * Snowyday
Last reply by snowyday, -
- 1 reply
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Not necessarily my thoughts. How do you starve a Democrat? Hide their food stamps under their work boots.
Last reply by tinyclark, -
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After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab. "Can you tell me the time, please?" asks a jogger. "Yeah, it's 4:30," answers the trucker. He falls asleep again, but he is awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time. "It's 4:40!" yells the trucker. Deciding to really try to sleep a little, he writes on a piece of paper: I DON'T KNOW THE TIME. He sticks the paper in his windshield. But he is awoken again. 'It's 5:25," says another jogger.
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 2 replies
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For those that don't know about the history of political parties... Here is a condensed version: Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter. The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 1. Liberals 2. Conservatives. Once beer was discovered, it required…
Last reply by SergF, -
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California: The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog. #1. Governor starts to intervene, reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural. #2. He calls animal control. Animal control captures coyote and spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 upon relocating it. #3. He calls veterinarian. Vet collects dead dog and spends $200 testing it for diseases. #4. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting bite wound bandaged. #5. Running trail gets shut down for 6 months wh…
Last reply by jackthehat, -
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You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
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A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 3 replies
- 1.7k views
A Don Juan Club in Grenoble, France, has issued the following report on the behavior of foreign women. The German woman is good to her children. The Japanese woman is good to her husband. The Italian woman is good to her parents. The British woman is good to her house. The Dutch woman is good to her church. The American woman is good to herself. February 1959 * * *
Last reply by JimH, -
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1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. 2. Your orgasms are real. Always. 3. Your last name stays put. 4. The garage is all yours. 5. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid. 7. Car mechanics tell you the truth. 8. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. 9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. 10. Same work ... more pay. 11. Wrinkles-add character. 12. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. 13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. 14. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. 15. People never glance at your chest when you're tal…
Last reply by SEFEGeorge, -
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- 1.7k views
Last reply by Fräulein, -
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3 Types of People There are 3 basic types of people in the world: 1. Those who can count. 2. Those who can't
Last reply by Sonny,