Sonny's Funnies
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One day when happy-go-lucky Dick Oglesby was Governor of Illinois he went to Joliet to inspect the state prison. In one cell he found a man so ugly that he said to himself, “Even if a man has the right to be homely, this bird has abused the privilege.†“How did you get here?†He asked the ugly man. “Abduction.†Was the bitter reply. “I tried to run off with a girl and they caught me.†“I’ll pardon you as soon as I get back to Springfield,†said the governor. “I don’t see how you can get a wife any other way!†* * * * snowyday
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The adult life of Thomas Edison, probably due to his intense powers of concentration, is dotted with stories of his absentmindedness. The classic of the collection, however, has to do with the afternoon he stepped down from his train at the familiar Orange, N.J., station. And the station master, who’d had great experience with the inventive genius, said: Welcome home again, Mr. Edison. “Say, you didn’t leave anything on the train, did you?†“Why, I don’t think so,†replied Edison, looking about vaguely and patting his pockets. At that moment his eyes rested on a window of the stopped train. Mrs. Edison, his new bride of a fortnight, whom …
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Editor Horace Greeley possessed a handwriting which was well nigh illegible. One morning he found in the mail a poem from a female contributor. It was so unimaginative that Greeley was prompted to write the lady, in his own hand, a long letter of sharp criticism. This done, he dismissed the matter from his mind. Several days later, he received a reply from the aspiring poetess. It had taken a little time to decipher his scrawl, she explained, but having succeeded at last, she was happy to inform him that she had decided to accept his offer of marriage. * * * * snowyday
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Actual Bumper Stickers "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes." "Cover me. I'm changing lanes." "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools" "Happiness is a belt-fed weapon" "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot." "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep." "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... ...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...." "Montana - At least our cows are sane!" "The gene pool c…
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Actual Bumper Stickers: "Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine." "I love cats...they taste just like chicken" "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes." "Cover me. I'm changing lanes." "As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools" "Happiness is a belt-fed weapon" "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot." "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep." "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... ...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...." "Montana - At least our cows are sane!" "The gene pool could use a little chlorine." "I didn't …
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The following headlines were actually printed in newspapers. The irony in some of these are absolutely astonishing, hilariously funny (though sometimes awkward). Check them out: - Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One - Miners Refuse to Work after Death - Include Your Children when Baking Cookies - Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide - Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead - Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says - Police Begin Cam…
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Actual Newspaper Headlines: Big Rig Carrying Fruit Crashes on 210 Freeway, Creates Jam Kicking Baby Considered to be Healthy Crack Found on Governor's Daughter New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Navy Changes Skirt Policy, Making Apparel Optional Stolen Painting Found by Tree Dead Officer on Force for 18 Years Headless Body Found in Topless Bar State Dinner Featured Cat, American Food …
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Actual Newspaper Headlines: Big Rig Carrying Fruit Crashes on 210 Freeway, Creates Jam Kicking Baby Considered to be Healthy Crack Found on Governor's Daughter New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Navy Changes Skirt Policy, Making Apparel Optional Stolen Painting Found by Tree Dead Officer on Force for 18 Years Headless Body Found in Topless Bar State Dinner Featured Cat, American Food All Utah Condemned to Face Firing Squad Robber Holds Up Albert's Hosiery Chinese Apeman Dated Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter Woman Kicked by her Husband said to be Greatly Improved F…
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The following headlines were actually printed in newspapers: - Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One - Miners Refuse to Work after Death - Include Your Children when Baking Cookies - Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide - Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead - Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says - Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers - Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted - Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin case - Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents - Iraqi Head Seeks Arms - Prostitutes Appeal to Pope - Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Ta…
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Actual Newspaper Headlines: Married Priests in Catholic Church a Long Time Coming Prosecutors Want Victim in Courtroom During Murder Trial Reason for More Bear Sightings: More Bears Actor Sent to Jail for Not Finishing Sentence Tiger Woods Play With Own Balls, Nike Says Fireproof Clothing Factory Burns to Ground Astronomers See Colorful Gas Clouds Bubble Out of Uranus Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Fe…
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Actual Newspaper Headlines: Big Rig Carrying Fruit Crashes on 210 Freeway, Creates Jam Kicking Baby Considered to be Healthy Crack Found on Governor's Daughter New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Navy Changes Skirt Policy, Making Apparel Optional Stolen Painting Found by Tree Dead Officer on Force for 18 Years Headless Body Found in Topless Bar State Dinner Featured Cat, American Food All Utah Condemned to Face Firing Squad Robber Holds Up Albert's Hosiery Chinese Apeman Dated Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter Woman Kicked by her Husband said to be Greatly Improved …
Last reply by Sonny, -
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Actual Newspaper Headlines: Big Rig Carrying Fruit Crashes on 210 Freeway, Creates Jam Kicking Baby Considered to be Healthy Crack Found on Governor's Daughter New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group (thanks to Bob Morse) Navy Changes Skirt Policy, Making Apparel Optional Stolen Painting Found by Tree Dead Officer on Force for 18 Years Headless Body Found in Topless Bar (thanks to Larry) State Dinner Featured Cat, American Food All Utah Condemned to Face Firing Squad Robber Holds Up Albert's Hosiery Chinese Apeman Dated Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and D…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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Actual Newspaper Headlines Big Rig Carrying Fruit Crashes on 210 Freeway, Creates Jam Kicking Baby Considered to be Healthy Crack Found on Governor's Daughter New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group (thanks to Bob Morse) Navy Changes Skirt Policy, Making Apparel Optional Stolen Painting Found by Tree Dead Officer on Force for 18 Years Headless Body Found in Topless Bar (thanks to Larry) State Dinner Featured Cat, American Food All Utah Condemned to Face Firing Squad Robber Holds Up Albert's Hosiery Chinese Apeman Dated Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter (thanks to Bob Morse) Woman Kicked by her Husband said …
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Actual Newspaper Headlines: Married Priests in Catholic Church a Long Time Coming Prosecutors Want Victim in Courtroom During Murder Trial Reason for More Bear Sightings: More Bears Actor Sent to Jail for Not Finishing Sentence Tiger Woods Play With Own Balls, Nike Says Fireproof Clothing Factory Burns to Ground Astronomers See Colorful Gas Clouds Bubble Out of Uranus Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy Sex Offender Says Registering Will Hurt His Reputation Psychics Predict World Didn't End Yesterday Eye Drops Off Shelf Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons Jane Fonda to Teens: Use Head to Avoid Pregnancy Speciali…
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Actual Newspaper Headlines #2 Lady Gaga Fan Dies at Concert, Recovers Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years New Housing for Elderly Not Yet Dead Pasco Man Arrested: Says 48 Beers was Likely 10 Too Many Motorcycle Deaths Drop, but Trend is Worrisome Woman with Arms Held Red Cross in Search of Donors with Low Blood Supply Local Man Fails Breathalyzer Test Despite Eating Underwear Supreme Court Rules that Murderers shall not be Electrocuted Twice for the Same Crime Deaf Mute Gets New Hearing in Killing Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers House Passes Gas Tax Onto Senate Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal …
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Actual Newspaper Headlines #3 Kids Make Nutritious Snacks Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in Ten Years Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told New Vaccine May Contain AIDS Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Hospitals Sued By Seven Foot Doctors Expert Says Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash Bank Drive-in Window Blocked By Board Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One Eye Drops Off Shelf Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim Dealers Will Hear Car Talk at Noon Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax Lawmen From Mexico…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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Actual Signs On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." On an electrician's van: "We'll remove your shorts!" In a veterinarian's office: "Back in 15 minutes. Sit! Stay!" On the door to a proctologist's office: "To expedite your visit, please back in." At a tailor shop: We give our customers the lowest prices and workmanship At a Pennsylvania cemetery: "Please do not hunt during daylight" On a septic tank business: "We're #1 in the #2 business" At a photo studio: "Have your kids shot while you wait!" In a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria." In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for me…
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These are supposedly actual signs that have been found in and around parts of England: Sign in a Laundromat AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN Outside a farm: HORSE MANURE PER PRE-PACKED BAG DO-IT-YOURSELF In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY TH…
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Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she told her mate. "Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.
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ADULT TRUTHS: #22 is one of my favorites!! 1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 6. Was learning cursive really necessary? YES!!!!! …
Last reply by Sonny, -
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ADULT TRUTHS: 1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 6. Was learning cursive really necessary? …
Last reply by Sonny, -
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ADULT TRUTHS 1. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is. 2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. 4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? 6. Was learning cursive really necessary? 7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. 8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person di…
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Advice for Your Daughters: 1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door. 3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there. 4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone. 5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. 6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart. 7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself type…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers. 2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door. 3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there. 4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone. 5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway. 6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart. 7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. 8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types. 9. Best way to get a man to do something…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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Advice from Men to Women Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.' If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it. Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one. Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials. Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment. Please don't drive when you're not driving. Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding…
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