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Civilian inquiry about being a fighter pilot


rivars
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An innocent query from the civilian sector . . . read on down.

Sir:

I am D. J. Baker and I would appreciate it if you could tell me what it

takes to be an F-16 fighter pilot in the USAF. What classes should I take in high

school to help the career I want to take later in life? What could I do to

get into the Air Force Academy?

Sincerely, DJ Baker

A worldly and jaded C 130 pilot, Major Hunter Mills, rises to the task of

answering the young man's letter.

Dear DJ,

Obviously, through no fault of your own, your young & impressionable brain

has been poisoned by the superfluous, hyped-up, "Top Gun" media portrayal of

fighter pilots.

Unfortunately, this portrayal could not be further from the truth. In my

experience, I've found most fighter pilots pompous, backstabbing, momma's

boys with inferiority complexes, as well as being extremely over-rated

aeronautically. However, rather than dash your budding dreams of becoming a

USAF pilot, I offer the following alternative:

What you really want to aspire to is the exciting, challenging and rewarding

world of TACTICAL AIRLIFT. And this, young DJ, means one thing, the

venerable workhorse, the C-130! I can guarantee no fighter pilot can brag that he has

led a 12-ship formation down a valley at 300 feet above the ground, with the

navigator leading the way and trying to interpret an alternate route to the

drop zone, avoiding pop-up threats, and coordinating with AWACS, all while

eating a box lunch with the engineer in the back relieving himself and the

loadmaster puking in his trash can!

I tell you DJ, TAC Airlift is where it's at! Where else is it legal to throw

tanks, HUMV's, and other crap out the back of an airplane, and not even

worry about it when the chute doesn't open and it torpedoes the General's staff

car!

Nowhere else can you land on a 3000 foot dirt strip, kick a bunch of ammo

and stuff out on the ramp without stopping, then takeoff again before range

control can call to tell you that you've landed on the wrong LZ! And talk

about exotic travel; when C-130s go somewhere, they GO somewhere (usually

for 3 months, unfortunately). This gives you the opportunity to immerse yourself

in the local culture long enough to give the locals a bad taste in their

mouths regarding the USAF and Americans in general, not something those

C-141 Stratolifter pilots can do from their airport hotel rooms!

As far as recommendations for your course of study, I offer these:

1. Take a lot of math courses. You'll need all the advanced math skills you

can muster to enable you to calculate per diem rates around the world, and

when trying to split up the crew's bar tab so that the co-pilot really

believes he owes 85% of the whole thing and the navigator believes he owes

the other 20%.

2. Health sciences are important, too. You will need a thorough knowledge of

biology to make those educated guesses of how much longer you can drink beer

before the tremendous case of the G.I.'s catches up to you from that meal

you ate at the place that had the really good belly dancers in some God-forsaken

foreign country whose name you can't even pronounce.

3. Social studies are also beneficial. It is important for a good TAC

Airlifter to have the cultural knowledge to be able to ascertain the exact

location of the nearest topless bar in any country in the world, then be

able to convince the local authorities to release the loadmaster after he offends

every sensibility of the local religion and culture.

4. A foreign language is helpful but not required. You will never be able to

pronounce the names of the NAVAIDs in France, and it's much easier to ignore

them and to go where you want to anyway. As a rule of thumb: waiters and

bellhops in France are always called "Pierre", in Spain it's "Hey, Pedro"

and in Italy, of course, it's "Mario". These terms of address also serve in

other countries interchangeably, depending on the level of suaveness of the

addressee.

5. A study of geography is paramount. You will need to know the basic

location of all the places you've been when you get back from your TDY and are ready

to stick those little pins in that huge world map you've got taped to your

living room wall, right next to the giant wooden giraffe statue and beer stein

collection.

Well, DJ, I hope this little note inspires you. And by the way, forget about

the Academy thing. All TAC Airlifters know that there are waaay too few

women and too little alcohol there to provide a well-balanced education. A nice,

big state college or the Naval Academy would be a much better choice.

Hunter Mills, Major USAF

Edited by rivars
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