SEFEGeorge Posted April 27, 2010 Share Posted April 27, 2010 Subject: The Alaskan Barbie Collection - Just in Time for Christmas Giving! Juneau Barbie: Juneau Barbie has a good job working for the State. She gets to travel to Anchorage frequently, where she buys her clothes at Eddie Bauer and Nordstrom. She keeps herself in tip top shape, and participates in the Kluane bike race, as well as the Skagway to Whitehorse Klondike run. She and her girlfriends love to drink, dance, and sing together, re-living their athletic accomplishments. Juneau Barbie has a lot of help around the house because Juneau Ken lost his politically appointed position during the last change of administration. Juneau Ken works part time as a "consultant", but he is frequently seen helping with his daughter's Montessori school field trips, and driving his son to the O.D.T. (Olympic Development Team) soccer practices. He is an active participant with the Juneau Ski Club, and helps coach his daughter's Mitey Mite team. Juneau Ken is a member of the Sierra Club, Friends of Recycling, and serves on the Middle School Site Council. Haines Barbie: Haines Barbie is originally from the East Coast, but moved to Alaska after school in California. She drives a small Toyota truck with a camper shell in the back. Haines Barbie dresses in birkenstocks and carhharts in the dry months, and extratuffs and carhartts in the wet months. Haines Barbie can do anything a man can do. She built her own cabin at Mud Bay, with the help of her then-lover Jennifer. Haines Barbie works very hard to save the environment. She was successful in shutting down the timber industry, as well as driving off the cruise ships. She is very low-profile about her family trust fund. Things worked out okay for awhile with Haines Ken. But Haines Ken had a difficult time finding employment in Haines. One week he took the ferry to Juneau to protest the Kensington Mine project. He saw women wearing stockings, showing off their smoothly shaved legs. He doesn't know how it happened, but he hooked up one night with an urban environmentalist. She smelled fabulous, and was wearing silky matching lingerie. Haines Ken was hooked! He took a job working for the Forest Service and moved to Juneau. Homer Barbie: Homer Barbie comes with a doctorate in environmental sciences and a 70's-90's Subaru. She is very good friends with Girdwood Barbie. She also comes with a life-time pass to the Bay Club, a punch-card to Captain's Coffee, a job at Homer Mental Health, a membership to the Pratt Museum, a kayak, and a self-righteous, holier-than-thou attitude. Homer Ken is either fishing, at the bar, or studying in the states. His friends know, but they won't tell her. Homer Barbie is available at Solstice Music, KBBI, Ptarmigan Arts, or any of the regular Downward Dog Production outlets. Ninilchik Barbie: Ninilchik Barbie comes in two very distinct models, Good Ninilchik Barbie and Bad Ninilchik Barbie. Good Ninilchik Barbie comes with a lot of baggage. She has two small kids and about 50,000 dollars in student loans. She has a nice face and a sweet personality but becomes instantly enraged when anyone mentions Ninilchik Ken who has run off with his cousin. Good Ninilchik Barbie can be found either in church or at Deep Creek Custom Packing. Bad Ninilchik Barbie is the racier of the two models. She is voice activated to spew foul language or spread her legs. She comes with a pick-up truck, a pack of juvenile pseudo-Kens, with whom she attended high school, and a keg of beer. She is also know as Instant Tail Gate Party Barbie. She can be found inhaling her dinner over a mirror at the Inlet View. Anchor Point Barbie: Anchor Point Barbie is missing three teeth, has boobs down to her waistline, and comes with four kids under the age of 10. She has a custom made pool cue, a Barbie dream shack without running water, electricity, an outhouse, and several vehicles that don't work parked in her trash-filled yard. A.P. Barbie doesn't come with A.P. Ken, but if you know where he is, be sure to let us know so she can kick that no-good sonofabitch's ass and collect some child support. Available at Goodwill. Soldotna Barbie: Soldotna Barbie has very processed hair, dresses like a teen-ager, and wears a lot of blue-eyeliner. She doesn't have a job, a GED, or a Ken. She comes with a bag of pills. Condoms may or may not be included. She is VERY available during tourist season at the Riverside or Hooligans. Kenai Barbie: Kenai Barbie wears all leather, drives a Harley, and can teach you how to play pool. She is very friendly if you are not intimidated by her truck-driving biceps. You can pick her up at the King's Inn, but likely Kenai Ken will smash your face in for trying. Sterling Barbie: Sterling Barbie is pale and thin with long stringy hair and pockmarked face. She has two kids, but they stay with her mother. She drives Slope-worker Ken's brand-new Chevy pick-up. No one has seen Sterling Barbie for weeks, but we think she's staying with Spenard Barbie in Anchorage. Nikiski Barbie: Nikiski Barbie isn't available anywhere. She is spotted, infrequently, running errands for her children or husband, wearing a turtle-neck, heavy make-up, and large, dark sunglasses. She says she falls down a lot, but never has time to talk about it. Nikiski Ken works at Agrium and doesn't have time to worry about this kind of bullshit, dammit! Kasilof Barbie: Kasilof Barbie looks similar to her sister, Girdwood Babie, except she comes with a gun and a dog team and isn't afraid to get a little bloody in the search of her next meal. She won't tell you where she lives, but she knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy if you know what we mean. Kasilof Ken may or may not be one of those guys, but he's definitely down with whatever. Kodiak Barbie: Super skinny coke whore driving a beat up rusty yellow Toyota Corolla with outdated plates and an empty gun rack in the rear window. Lots of Harley Davidson bumper stickers. Drinks Rainer Beer like water and lets her six kids baby-sit themselves while she walks around Downtown, looking for the ships that she swears were there a minute ago! Shops for clothes at the Mission. Ken's out fishing crab, but she has Extra Coast Guard Ken under her bed for emergencies. She would like more money for booze and black hair dye to cover her grey roots and distract from her rotten teeth. Wears tight faded jeans with pullover hoodie with a snappy saying like, "Alaska: Where Men Are Men, And So Are The Women" and her faded "Iditarod" tee shirt, beat up stinky rubber cannery boots to match her Helly Hansen rain gear. Likes to saddle up to the Philapinos Downtown and pretend she knows what the hell they are talking about. Knows every musician in town, and thinks they are all her boyfriend, while she dances like a wasted idiot at the Mecca. Used to be pretty, but now has to rely on five layers of Cover Girl to mask her black eye she got while trying to butter up a fisherman at the ATM. Hillside Barbie This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordstrom. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer H2 and a longhaired foreign lapdog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter dream house with a to-die-for view of the inlet. Also included are a Starbucks mug, credit card set, and Alaska Airlines Gold MVP membership. Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and boob-job. Workaholic, shallow, cheating husband Ken comes with a Porsche. Southside Barbie This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with a Ford Explorer and matching Alaska Club workout ensemble. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation. Comes with Percocet prescription and Botox. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately. Husband Ken is into fishing, hunting, golfing, eating, and lusting for other women. Available at Costco. Spenard Barbie This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, switchblade, '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is available only after dark and can only be purchased with cash - preferably small bills, unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about. Boyfriend Ken is in jail. Available at many pawnshops. Government Hill Barbie This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans 2 sizes too small, a classic Metallica t-shirt and a Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Budweiser and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over a distance of 6 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Boyfriend Ken is in treatment. Available at Army Navy Surplus. Muldoon Barbie This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Government Hill Barbie's apartment. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip-gloss, and a see-through halter top. Comes with Barbie's Dream Double Wide Trailer. Available at Wal-Mart. Mountain View Barbie Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a GED and a completely filled out PFD form. Gangsta Ken and his '82 Caddy are optional. Available at Value Village. Girdwood Barbie This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker. Available at REI. Downtown Barbie This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or removing snap-on parts. Walks to work. Likes to "experiment", but will never commit. This model is being phased-out and is only available from the manufacturer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fräulein Posted April 27, 2010 Share Posted April 27, 2010 Same but different Limited-Edition Barbie dolls for the New Mexico market: Tanoan Albq Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at out-of-state Fashion Centers since there is no high-end shopping in the entire state. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign lapdog named Honey, and a semi-custom dream house. Available with or without tummy tuck and facelift. Workaholic ex-husband Ken comes with squeeze-me Skipper and a Ferrari. Rio Rancho Barbie: This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar minivan and matching gym suit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation or secondary education. Can swear in English or Spanish. Available at Target. Espanola Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, bowie knife, a 78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth-lab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be bought with cash, preferably small bills, unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about. Northeast Heights Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or HummerH2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card set, and country Club membership. Also available are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. Traffic- jamming cell phone sold separately. NE Heights Barbie hasn't been affordable since the early 80's. Moriarty Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a classic Metallica shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. Wants to major in NASCAR at MCC. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Available at Super Wal-mart. Los Lunas Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Belen Barbie's (discontinued) house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip-gloss, and a see-through halter-top. Comes with Barbie's dream doublewide trailer. Available at Wal-Mart. Cheap. Corrales Barbie: This collagen injected, rhinoplastic (nose job) Barbie wears leopard print spandex, and drinks cosmopolitans to new age music with friends at the lodge. She's into crystals. Comes with Percocet prescription and two alimony checks. Also cheap. West Side Albuquerque Barbie: This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional accessories include a G.E.D. and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy where available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant. Santa Fe Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight grey hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow." She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Flagstaff Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free. Ruidoso Barbie: Is pregnant, drives a new Ford Excursion and is perfect in every way. We don't know who Ken is because he's always away hunting or in Japan on business. Ruidoso Barbie aspires to become Tanoan Barbie. Not cheap, but still very naive. South Valley Albuquerque Barbie: This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired temporary plates and three babies in the back, without car seats. This is the only Barbie who is willing to do manual labor. Ken comes in a meat-packer's uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not yet available for South Valley Barbie or Ken. Available at Food City. Silver City Barbie/Ken These dolls are going fast! Well, what we mean is they're old and don't have much time left. Both write checks for everything or pay in change, and can provide hours of endless repetitive conversation about "The good ol' days." Drives a golf cart, signals right to turn left. Can be seen in Barbie Grocery Store (soldseparately) arguing over prices. Available at the doctor's office Las Cruces Barbie: Into basketball, marijuana, and green chile. Dropped out of NM State. Does nothing but complain about any Albuquerque Barbie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ElijahChavez Posted May 8, 2013 Share Posted May 8, 2013 Subject: The Alaskan Barbie Collection - Just in Time for Christmas Giving! Juneau Barbie: Juneau Barbie has a good job working for the State. She gets to travel to Anchorage frequently, where she buys her clothes at Eddie Bauer and Nordstrom. She keeps herself in tip top shape, and participates in the Kluane bike race, as well as the Skagway to Whitehorse Klondike run. She and her girlfriends love to drink, dance, and sing together, re-living their athletic accomplishments. Juneau Barbie has a lot of help around the house because Juneau Ken lost his politically appointed position during the last change of administration. Juneau Ken works part time as a "consultant", but he is frequently seen helping with his daughter's Montessori school field trips, and driving his son to the O.D.T. (Olympic Development Team) soccer practices. He is an active participant with the Juneau Ski Club, and helps coach his daughter's Mitey Mite team. Juneau Ken is a member of the Sierra Club, Friends of Recycling, and serves on the Middle School Site Council. Haines Barbie: Haines Barbie is originally from the East Coast, but moved to Alaska after school in California. She drives a small Toyota truck with a camper shell in the back. Haines Barbie dresses in birkenstocks and carhharts in the dry months, and extratuffs and carhartts in the wet months. Haines Barbie can do anything a man can do. She built her own cabin at Mud Bay, with the help of her then-lover Jennifer. Haines Barbie works very hard to save the environment. She was successful in shutting down the timber industry, as well as driving off the cruise ships. She is very low-profile about her family trust fund. Things worked out okay for awhile with Haines Ken. But Haines Ken had a difficult time finding employment in Haines. One week he took the ferry to Juneau to protest the Kensington Mine project. He saw women wearing stockings, showing off their smoothly shaved legs. He doesn't know how it happened, but he hooked up one night with an urban environmentalist. She smelled fabulous, and was wearing silky matching cheap lingerie. Haines Ken was hooked! He took a job working for the Forest Service and moved to Juneau. Homer Barbie: Homer Barbie comes with a doctorate in environmental sciences and a 70's-90's Subaru. She is very good friends with Girdwood Barbie. She also comes with a life-time pass to the Bay Club, a punch-card to Captain's Coffee, a job at Homer Mental Health, a membership to the Pratt Museum, a kayak, and a self-righteous, holier-than-thou attitude. Homer Ken is either fishing, at the bar, or studying in the states. His friends know, but they won't tell her. Homer Barbie is available at Solstice Music, KBBI, Ptarmigan Arts, or any of the regular Downward Dog Production outlets. Ninilchik Barbie: Ninilchik Barbie comes in two very distinct models, Good Ninilchik Barbie and Bad Ninilchik Barbie. Good Ninilchik Barbie comes with a lot of baggage. She has two small kids and about 50,000 dollars in student loans. She has a nice face and a sweet personality but becomes instantly enraged when anyone mentions Ninilchik Ken who has run off with his cousin. Good Ninilchik Barbie can be found either in church or at Deep Creek Custom Packing. Bad Ninilchik Barbie is the racier of the two models. She is voice activated to spew foul language or spread her legs. She comes with a pick-up truck, a pack of juvenile pseudo-Kens, with whom she attended high school, and a keg of beer. She is also know as Instant Tail Gate Party Barbie. She can be found inhaling her dinner over a mirror at the Inlet View. Anchor Point Barbie: Anchor Point Barbie is missing three teeth, has boobs down to her waistline, and comes with four kids under the age of 10. She has a custom made pool cue, a Barbie dream shack without running water, electricity, an outhouse, and several vehicles that don't work parked in her trash-filled yard. A.P. Barbie doesn't come with A.P. Ken, but if you know where he is, be sure to let us know so she can kick that no-good sonofabitch's ass and collect some child support. Available at Goodwill. Soldotna Barbie: Soldotna Barbie has very processed hair, dresses like a teen-ager, and wears a lot of blue-eyeliner. She doesn't have a job, a GED, or a Ken. She comes with a bag of pills. Condoms may or may not be included. She is VERY available during tourist season at the Riverside or Hooligans. Kenai Barbie: Kenai Barbie wears all leather, drives a Harley, and can teach you how to play pool. She is very friendly if you are not intimidated by her truck-driving biceps. You can pick her up at the King's Inn, but likely Kenai Ken will smash your face in for trying. Sterling Barbie: Sterling Barbie is pale and thin with long stringy hair and pockmarked face. She has two kids, but they stay with her mother. She drives Slope-worker Ken's brand-new Chevy pick-up. No one has seen Sterling Barbie for weeks, but we think she's staying with Spenard Barbie in Anchorage. Nikiski Barbie: Nikiski Barbie isn't available anywhere. She is spotted, infrequently, running errands for her children or husband, wearing a turtle-neck, heavy make-up, and large, dark sunglasses. She says she falls down a lot, but never has time to talk about it. Nikiski Ken works at Agrium and doesn't have time to worry about this kind of bullshit, dammit! Kasilof Barbie: Kasilof Barbie looks similar to her sister, Girdwood Babie, except she comes with a gun and a dog team and isn't afraid to get a little bloody in the search of her next meal. She won't tell you where she lives, but she knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy if you know what we mean. Kasilof Ken may or may not be one of those guys, but he's definitely down with whatever. Kodiak Barbie: Super skinny coke whore driving a beat up rusty yellow Toyota Corolla with outdated plates and an empty gun rack in the rear window. Lots of Harley Davidson bumper stickers. Drinks Rainer Beer like water and lets her six kids baby-sit themselves while she walks around Downtown, looking for the ships that she swears were there a minute ago! Shops for clothes at the Mission. Ken's out fishing crab, but she has Extra Coast Guard Ken under her bed for emergencies. She would like more money for booze and black hair dye to cover her grey roots and distract from her rotten teeth. Wears tight faded jeans with pullover hoodie with a snappy saying like, "Alaska: Where Men Are Men, And So Are The Women" and her faded "Iditarod" tee shirt, beat up stinky rubber cannery boots to match her Helly Hansen rain gear. Likes to saddle up to the Philapinos Downtown and pretend she knows what the hell they are talking about. Knows every musician in town, and thinks they are all her boyfriend, while she dances like a wasted idiot at the Mecca. Used to be pretty, but now has to rely on five layers of Cover Girl to mask her black eye she got while trying to butter up a fisherman at the ATM. Hillside Barbie This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordstrom. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer H2 and a longhaired foreign lapdog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter dream house with a to-die-for view of the inlet. Also included are a Starbucks mug, credit card set, and Alaska Airlines Gold MVP membership. Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and boob-job. Workaholic, shallow, cheating husband Ken comes with a Porsche. Southside Barbie This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with a Ford Explorer and matching Alaska Club workout ensemble. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation. Comes with Percocet prescription and Botox. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately. Husband Ken is into fishing, hunting, golfing, eating, and lusting for other women. Available at Costco. Spenard Barbie This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, switchblade, '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is available only after dark and can only be purchased with cash - preferably small bills, unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're talking about. Boyfriend Ken is in jail. Available at many pawnshops. Government Hill Barbie This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans 2 sizes too small, a classic Metallica t-shirt and a Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a six-pack of Budweiser and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over a distance of 6 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Boyfriend Ken is in treatment. Available at Army Navy Surplus. Muldoon Barbie This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Government Hill Barbie's apartment. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip-gloss, and a see-through halter top. Comes with Barbie's Dream Double Wide Trailer. Available at Wal-Mart. Mountain View Barbie Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a GED and a completely filled out PFD form. Gangsta Ken and his '82 Caddy are optional. Available at Value Village. Girdwood Barbie This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker. Available at REI. Downtown Barbie This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or removing snap-on parts. Walks to work. Likes to "experiment", but will never commit. This model is being phased-out and is only available from the manufacturer. Which new collection have you launched? If you can share some links or pics it would be great. We can make good deal so please be quick to reply. Thanks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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