One Liners Three

[snowyday]

The reason it’s so hard to save money is that there’s so many other things a feller can do with it.

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Everybody’s against sin, especially the other feller’s sin.

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A little opposition is necessary for every man – kites rise against, not with the wind.

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I reckon the preacher takes up the collection before preaching because everybody’s awake then.

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If a fat woman that wears slacks had hindsight, she’d quit wearing ‘em.

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A working man ought to eat a hearty breakfast, as work is especially hard to take on an empty stomach.

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How come the weather man never attributes cold fronts to plunging necklines.

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If somebody asks you to listen to him with an open mind, the chances are that he’s got some propaganda to plant in it.

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It’s easy to tell a publicity hound, he’s got a big mouth and a long tale.

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Looks like that for some time, about all I’ve got to show for my money is cancelled checks.

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So many folks enjoy drinking coffee that it’s a wonder the reformers ain’t tried to get it outlawed.

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Never tell a top sergeant that zebras are not the only donkeys wearing stripes.

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I doubt if anybody could be pessimistic while watching the sun rise.

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Bear in mind that the feller that slaps you on the back is in a good position to kick you in the pants.

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I always figgered a woman was in her prime when she celebrates her 30th birthday the first time.

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Another reason a fool riles me so much is because he gits so much fun out of being a fool.

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“Remember, part of all you earn belongs to you.â€

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Whether the average feller gets much fun out of life depends a lot on how often he goes fishing.

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They say the customer is always right, but that shore ain’t so when he’s in a bank.

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It’s mighty easy to keep from crying over the other feller’s spilled milk.

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A feller ought to try to live so his feller man won’t get a good laugh out of the inscription on his tombstone.

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It’s hard to know what to do, if you tell lies, folks won’t trust you; if you tell the truth, they won’t like you.

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A preacher says the devil will take the world over soon. I reckon it’s just a matter of him foreclosing the mortgage.

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A lot of folks work their selves to death trying to get even with their enemies and ahead of their friends.

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It’s natural that a feller that has seen his best days looks back on them as the good old days.

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A fool and his money soon parts—especially when a carnival comes to town.

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I use to worry about getting fat, till I learned it was worse to have to worry about being hungry.

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I feel a lot better since I quit taking several sorts of vitamins and started taking food with my meals.

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I often wonder where John Q. Taxpayer gets all the money the politicians take away from him.

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Nearly any girl will throw herself at a man if she thinks he is a good catch.

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Halloween was about the only time when boys of my generation dared to be juvenile delinquents.

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It’s mighty hard for a feller to see both sides of a question if it’s close to him.

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A budget ought to include an item of at least 10 per cent to cover money that disappears without a trace.

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Money ain’t the most important thing in life, but it’d be hard to name five things more important.

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A lot of times what is took for a majority ain’t nothing but a little minority kicking up a lots of fuss.

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When a feller sets out to tell you his troubles, he don’t ever omit none of the details.

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I wonder if a diet of milk and honey would supply a fellow with all the vitamins he needs.

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Imagination is what makes some politicians think they are statesmen.

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Sheep’s eyes are easy to pull the wool over.

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A woman don’t never cry so hard she can’t see what effect she’s having on whoever’s looking at her.

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Television is rapidly finding its way into the home now that it has passed the bar examination.

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If you want to work yourself to death and have no fun while doing it, do what everybody expects you to.

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Nobody dresses crazier than men in the summer, unless it’s women in the winter.

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Us Americans ought to be thankful, not only for living, but for where we’re living and how we’re living.

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Folks like to get mad. I never miss the column by a fellow that makes me madder’n all get out.

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Ain’t no use to hope for paradise here unless folks learns how to run the world without politicians.

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In a lot of cases the feller that offers to take you in on the ground floor is up to some dirty work.

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It’s a pretty tough world. If we work, we get tired – if we don’t work, we get hungry.

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A lot of times I wonder what became of all the money I saved by not drinking liquor.

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