One Liners Five

[snowyday]

Every time one man puts a new idea across, he finds ten men who thought of it before he did, but they only thought of it.

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Nobody ain’t interested in your ailments but the doctor, and he wouldn’t be if it wasn’t his business.

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The first lie detector was made from the rib of man. No improvement has ever been made on the original machine.

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Nothing can hold liquor as well as a bottle so leave it in the bottle.

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Folks can’t take it with them, but the tightwads get a big kick out of hanging on to it while they’re here.

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I know an old codger that don’t believe nothing he hears, nor nothing he sees till he looks twice.

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If you are asking a man for his daughter’s hand be sure not to get the one she keeps in his pockets.

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The world seems to be weltering in the longest wry spell in history.

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An inconsistent feller is one that agrees with you on some things and disagrees with you on others.

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An education at least enables us to express what we do not know with eloquent phraseology.

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The world has become so small that almost any nation is within reach of Uncle Sam’s pockets.

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The fellow that chases a woman runs a big risk of having a head-on collision.

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Some folks tell Satan to get behind them because they’re ashamed for even the devil to see what they do.

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Eating an apple made Eve know she was not robed, it’s about time women try eating another apple.

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The average boy uses soap as if it came out of his allowance.

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I ran across a book on “How to Manage Women,†I’m reading it for the laughs.

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Brother Jones is called a pillar of the church, and I notice that right often he’s also a sleeper.

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“A small town is the place where a fellow with a black eye doesn’t have to explain it to people.â€

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The biggest problem about your leisure time is how to keep other folks from using it.

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Good wives, like flowers, bloom here and there,

Bad wives, like weeds, grow everywhere.

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The reason a girl had rather have beauty than brains is because most men see better than they think.

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I might enjoy being young again, but I don’t believe I’d enjoy being that foolish.

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I believe the human race is here to stay, and that there ain’t nothing much that can be done about it.

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Don’t feel superior to people who are living in the past. It was much cheaper then.

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A wise man, when the chips are down, doesn’t have any on his shoulder.

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It’s always later than you think – especially early in the morning.

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This would be a mighty pretty world and a fairly good one if man wasn’t here to louse it up.

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It’s mighty hard to argue with a fellow that makes up statistics as he goes along.

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Looks like no matter what sort of economic machine is set up, it’s geared so as to keep the poor man broke.

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Finding the needle in a haystack is not a pleasant achievement for a hungry cow.

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A bureaucrat is a man or woman who works for the government in a job that somebody else wants.

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One big trouble about getting old is that a feller has to mighty nigh stop living in order to keep from dying.

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Folks that say they’re tired of this vale of tears sends for the doctor quick as anybody when they get sick.

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It ain’t hardly possible these days to over-estimate what it’s going to cost to build something.

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Yesterday the parson preached a sermon against gambling, and then turned right around and married a couple.

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It’s a mighty big strain on a child’s faith when the Sunday School picnic is rained out.

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It’s mighty hard to tell sometimes whether a public speaker is putting on an act or having a fit.

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Some people use religion like a bus and ride on it only when it is going their way.

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Experience is a strenuous teacher – no graduates, no degrees, some survivors.

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The reason history keeps on repeating is because man keeps repeating his fool mistakes.

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How come there’s so much more summer weather in summer than spring weather in spring.

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Be skeered of a woman that tells the truth about her age, she’d tell the truth about anything.

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Most of a fellow’s education comes after his schooling, as he gradually learns he don’t know everything.

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If an office holder says he don’t know if he’ll run for reelection, he’s a liar that wants to be asked.

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The most useful word in the language ain’t got but two letters, it begins with “n†and ends with “oâ€.

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It looks like saving money for a rainy day mighty nigh always brings on a flood.

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