One Liners Six

[snowyday]

Before you flare up at anyone’s faults, take time to count ten of your own.

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“The trouble with marrying for money,†said Rabbi Beryl D. Cohen during a recent symposium on marriage at Brookline, “is that you’ve got to take the girl with it.â€

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“I was crazy to get a wife and since marriage I’ve never changed my opinion.â€

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The reason folks don’t practice what they preach is this wouldn’t leave ‘em much time for preaching.

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The sorriest newspaper I ever saw was one that was run by a fellow that tried to please everybody.

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Like a lot of folks, flowers are soft from being coddled. Weeds will grow right on without pampering.

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How come it hurts a fellow a lot more to lose a dime than it does to throw away a dollar?

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When I read that 17 per cent of folks are flat-footed, I got to wondering how many of ‘em are flat-headed.

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“One farmer said I ain’t greedy ‘bout land. I only want what jines mine.â€

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About the only kind of suffering I ain’t had is childbirth, and I think I’ve had symptoms of that. Olin Miller

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A fellow ain’t got very much religion if he gets mad when he argues about it.

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I heard an old fellow say he’d rather be descended from a monkey than from some folks he knows.

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It’s hard to tell which is slickest, a water wagon seat, or a political party economy plank.

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The fellow that said the best things in life are free ain’t near as fond of eating as I am.

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I often wonder how I managed to live through all the home remedies that were given to me when I was a kid.

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“A gentleman is a man who holds the door open for his wife while she carries out the garbage.

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A man that ain’t got no better sense than to argue with a woman is bound to lose the argument.

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I don’t wish money growed on trees, but on bushes so I could get it without climbing or stooping.

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Maybe bread cast upon the waters will return, but most of the dough thrown across the oceans will not.

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What happens when a black cat crosses the path of a fellow that’s carrying a rabbit’s foot.

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They say over eating will kill you, but I’d rather do that than to die on an empty stomach.

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Home is the place where you can trust the hash.

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I ain’t never heard of nobody getting an honorary degree from the School of Experience.

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A fellow ought to live so the person that writes the inscription for his tombstone won’t go to hell for lying.

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If I had some stock that was going to double in six months, I wouldn’t be out trying to sell it.

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When you give your wife the slip, it had better be gift wrapped.

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A fellow may have more money than brains – but not for long.

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The funniest thing I’ve ever seen and heard was a lawyer trying to cross-examine a woman witness.

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I’m ‘agin’ nudism, the less you can see of the average person, the better he looks.

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One-armed bandit players are lambs being led to the slotter.

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A dollar won’t do as much for you nowadays, but you won’t do as much for a dollar.

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The weaker sex is the strongest sex because of the weakness of the stronger sex for the weaker sex.

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Always be generous in praise of your wife’s appearance – particularly if she happens to be wearing last year’s outfit.

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It’s easy to tell when a feller is telling a lie, he always offers to prove it.

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Fortunate is the lovely young lady who can use her head for something other than to separate earrings.

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An adolescent is a youngster in his early nicoteens.

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Whether a fellow ought to say what he thinks depends on what he’s thinking and who he’s talking to.

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No matter how little a fellow knows about religion, he feels fully qualified to argue about it.

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Yes the air is free, but if you ain’t got the price of groceries, you can’t breathe it very long.

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A budget is a method of planned worrying.

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A fellow’s ear shore gets a lot more exercise than his tongue when a woman calls him on the phone.

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A forger is a guy who gives a check a bad name.

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There are as many fatal accidents in the home as on the highway, but getting killed at home is cheaper.

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The height of many a girl’s ambition is about six feet.

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A pessimist is the best person to borrow money from. He never expects to get it back.

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