One Liners Eight

[snowyday]

To a woman the perfect husband is one who thinks he has a perfect wife.

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Classified ad: “Cat wanted for light mouse-work.

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If Hawaii wins statehood ahead of Alaska, it will doubtless be because her citizens know how to get a wiggle on. March 1, 1954.

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We know a fellow who became so excited reading about cigarettes and lung cancer – he swore off reading.

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Give some people an inch and they want to become a ruler.

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A man will sometimes devote his whole life to developing one part of his body – the wishbone.

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A lot of politicians think the middle of the road is where they won’t run into anything.

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Some people are like owls – they get a reputation for being clever by hooting at everything.

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A girl admires a man who stands on his own two feet, especially if the bus is crowded.

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A traveling salesman 80 years old died in St. Louis recently and left an estate of 35,000 towels.

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The hardest task of a girl’s life is to prove to a man that his intentions are serious.

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Nobody is satisfied with his walk in life if he has to shovel it himself.

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All the Constitution guarantees, is the pursuit of happiness, you have to catch up with it yourself

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Minds are like parachutes. They only function when open.

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The way to fight a woman is with your hat – grab it and run.

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People who are late are always more jolly than those that have to wait for them.

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There’s always room at the top – after the investigation.

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Many people live alone and like it but most live alone and look it.

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Sudden wealth never made a fool of anyone – it just exposed him.

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What some of us need is more horsepower and not so much exhaust.

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The best thing to take when run down is the license number of the car.

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A Portland, Oregon man was injured while passing the buck, a deer head fell from a tavern wall.

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He was so narrow-minded he could applaud with his ears.

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A man is known by the company he keeps avoiding.

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Don’t be depressed when people say you’re fat, dear – just keep your chins up!â€

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If you see good in everybody you may be an optimist, and then again you may be nuts.

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Most men would rather touch a snake than a damp dishcloth.

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We’ve often wondered – do bill collectors pay their bills?

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There may be many, but the chief cause of divorce is marriage.

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A rumble seat looks foolish in summer – in the winter it really is.

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Guilty is but a single word but in lots of cases it means a long sentence.

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The devil is a fellow with horns who blows them the instant the traffic light changes.

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All coats-of-arms are hand-me-downs.

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His mouth was so large that he could whisper in his own ear.

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Illinois auto plates next year will bear the slogan, “Land of Lincoln.†(June 1954.)

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Sign in restaurant: “The silver is not medicine, don’t take it after meals.â€

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Don’t hesitate to argue with your spouse occasionally, it shows you are listening.

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Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week which has a “Y†in it.

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Take life as you find it, but please don’t leave it that way.

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The thing most often opened by mistake is the human mouth.

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Asked if her husband believed in life after death, the woman replied, “George doesn’t even believe in life after supper.â€

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Among the things that improve with age are “the good old days.â€

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“When the fog lifted I found I’d been waiting for an hour under the wrong clock and was being nagged by the wrong woman.â€

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The trouble with this world is that too many people are always out of town.

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If you are thinking of using mud as a beauty treatment, remember it did not do much for the turtle.

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Most wives like an answer from their husbands that is short and sweet, like: “Yes, honey!â€

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Your dog may not be your best friend, but if he is not biting you at the moment, he’s getting close to the top.

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The Supreme Court will soon rule on this question. If you are reincarnated, do you have to return the insurance money?

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