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snowyday

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  1. I reckon the hardest thing to learn how to play is second fiddle. * * * * Maybe the worst is yet to come—but maybe you won’t be here when it happens. * * * * A feller ought to live so that the preacher that has to preach his funeral won’t be embarrassed. * * * * No matter how little a feller knows about religion, he figures he knows enough to argue about it. * * * * There’s a mighty fine line between keeping your chin up and sticking your neck out. * * * * An era of prosperity is mighty fine, but it sure costs a lot to live through it. * * * * An old-fashioned girl is one who doesn’t drink them. * * * * Deep reservoirs prove the heights to which water can rise when rivers keep their dammed mouths shut. * * * * Freedom of speech is precious, but lots of times when a feller uses it he gets into trouble. * * * * In the good old days a man down to his last dollar at least had three meals ahead. * * * * Another example of misery loving company is a good-for-nothing man and a poor hound dog. * * * * There never was anything made but what someone else could make it worse and sell it for less. * * * * Folks don’t judge you by what you plan to do tomorrow, but by what you done yesterday. * * * * It isn’t surprising that the bigger mouth a fellow has, the oftener he puts his foot in it. * * * * Free advice is generally worth just about what it costs. * * * * There may be a lot of satisfaction in growing old, but there ain’t much future to it. * * * * Lies don’t live as long as the truth, but their birth rate is a whole lot higher. * * * * Most people don’t understand money because they don’t keep it long enough to get acquainted with it.. * * * * About the only time I agree with politicians is when they’re low-rating each other. * * * * A lot of times the feller that cries on your shoulder is trying to soak you. * * * * Little boys would learn to write much sooner if blackboards had the appeal of fresh cement. * * * * It is rare that a feller lives up to the expectations of his neighbors or down to their suspicions. * * * * Violent exercise after 50 is especially harmful, if you do it with a knife and fork. * * * * It don’t do a feller much good to have a lot of guts if everybody hates ‘em. * * * * A hick town these days in one that ain’t got no parking problem. * * * * In spite of everything, most folks seem to have a lot of fun just being folks. * * * * If you’ll leave your worries behind and go fishing, most of ‘em will die a natural death. * * * * A fat woman tells me that just licking a postage stamp makes her gain weight. * * * * If nobody owned cars, but folks that could afford to own ‘em, they’d be plenty parking spaces. * * * * Reno is where couples who said “I do†say adieu. * * * * The vacuum cleaner is a windbag sometimes peddled by one. * * * * My conscience don’t hurt me for lying when somebody asks me something that ain’t none of their business. * * * * Playing a slot machine is usually just a quick way of transferring money from a sucker to a crook. * * * * I ride in airplanes sometimes, but I always sit mighty light. * * * * It’s always sorter funny to me to hear a farmer say he’s opposed to gambling. * * * * I see where a feller climbed a tree to escape a bull and rammed his head into a hornet’s nest, life is like that. * * * * The reason so many rich couples get divorces is because they don’t have no mortgages to tie them together. * * * * Next to a pair of healthy and lively kittens, a fat and jolly woman gits the most fun out of life. * * * * I know an old feller that’s a failure as a one-hoss farmer that knows exactly how to run the government. * * * * There’s a whole lot more freedom of speech than anybody but the foolhardy will dare use. * * * * I ain’t never been able to figger out why the less a woman wears, the more it costs. * * * * Speed regulation is the wise little dog running just fast enough to allow the pursued cat to reach a tree. * * * * Sometimes I wonder if the good don’t die young because they’re given time off for good behavior. * * * * When age comes on, men get sadder and wiser, but women get sadder and wider. * * * * There’s a lot of folks living in the same house that don’t live in the same world. * * * * To be insulted by an enemy, don’t worry me near as much as to be slighted by a friend. * * * * Eating three light meals during the Day, and then eating like a hoss at bedtime won’t make nobody thin. * * * * Sometimes I wish I wasn’t too much of a gentleman to shake a tough, sassy kid till his teeth rattled. * * * * Nearly everybody I talk with could straighten out the world in a week or so if they were placed in charge of it. * * * *
  2. One Liners From The Forties and Fifties A feller told me he was married by a Justice of the Peace and he ain’t had no justice or peace since. * * * * A feller could get into a peck of trouble by doing everything he’s got a legal right to do. * * * * The only 8-hour day a farmer has is when he takes Saturday evening off. * * * * A drop in the ocean is a trifling thing, except to an aviator. * * * * Mistletoe is the state flower of Oklahoma—also of those in the state of spinsterhood. * * * * If cussing it would do any good, we’d done had a perfect Government a long time age. * * * * A reformer is a feller that thinks you’re as big a scoundrel as he used to be. * * * * Inflation started a long time ago—when the price of a quart of liquor was raised to a dollar. * * * * Another bad thing about liquor is that most of it is bought by folks that can’t afford to buy it. * * * * The average dog has got more sense than a lot of folks—he lays away a few bones for the future. * * * * Cracking safes is unwise, and wise-cracking is often unsafe. * * * * They say being poor is all right when you get used to it, but mighty few folks live that long. * * * * Because women have curves, men have angles. * * * * Some folks don’t ever do any deep thinking till they get in a hole. * * * * It’s a funny thing that a feller can fool a woman into marring him and then can’t ever fool her again. * * * * Girls who throw themselves at men are usually pitching curves. * * * * John L. Lewis’ scowl, would scare the dickens out of you if you didn’t know his middle name’s Llewellyn. * * * * Most fellows don’t start saving for a rainy day until it begins to cloud up and thunder. * * * * One of my Christmas presents is a tie loud enough to scare a trash-wagon mule. * * * * It may look flat, but this old world is surely on edge. * * * * Too many crooners take their adenoids to a microphone instead of to a doctor. * * * * In most cases when a girl learns she’s pretty, she don’t try to learn anything else. * * * * If your ship comes in, there’ll be a tax man around to do a good docking job. * * * * A woman can think of more things to say over a phone in ten minutes than I can think of in a week. * * * * Don’t put off till tomorrow something that ought to be done today – get somebody else to do it. * * * * Sign in a bar: Please sit down while the room is in motion. * * * * Sympathy is what one girl offers another in exchange for details * * * * The way some folks worry about the world you’d think they expected to live here always. * * * * Lots of folks don’t have enough religion to use some every day, so they save it up for Sunday. * * * * My eyesight is sorter petering out, but I can still see a lot mor’n I can understand. * * * * Why a boy that rides a bicycle in city traffic doesn’t get killed at least three time a day, I don’t know. * * * * A fellow can save a lot of time and trouble by not arguing with fools, traffic cops and women. * * * * There is mighty few folks impolite enough to interrupt money when it’s talking. * * * * A feller nearly always gets in deep water when he sets out to drown his troubles in drink. * * * * When your nose is to the grindstone, a lot of folks takes advantage of your position and kick you in the pants. * * * * The modern girl’s hair may look like a mop but that doesn’t bother the modern girl—she doesn’t know what a mop looks like. * * * * You have to step on the toes of some folks to keep them from getting their feet on your neck. * * * * No matter how expert a woman may be at sewing, there ain’t much she kin do about mending her husband’s ways. * * * * I ain’t never been able to understand why a woman is always saying she ain’t got nothing to wear, when it takes three closets to hold it. * * * * Man is supposed to be an intelligent being, but you shore couldn’t guess it from reading the daily news of his doings. * * * * It’s usually when a man begins to feel his age that he has the hardest time being it. * * * * Death ain’t as well thought of as it ought to be, because it’s the only cure for old age. * * * * A few folks is trying to leave footprints on the sands of time, but a bigger number of them is trying to cover their tracks. * * * * If you carry a chip around on your shoulder it’s just a matter of time before somebody ups and knocks your block off. * * * * A sot ain’t never so poor he can’t round up the price of a drink, or a nation so bankrupt it can’t finance a war. * * * * In some cases it’s hard to decide whether it’d be cheaper to tell the truth or hire a lawyer. * * * * If you think twice before you speak, the other feller will beat you to the draw and hog the conversation. * * * * It’s true the Indians didn’t develop this country when they had it; but on the other hand, they didn’t mortgage it either. * * * * It’s only natural that the more a fellow’s head runs to bone, the harder it is. * * * * A feller with a level head don’t never wear a high hat. * * * * A failure is a feller that don’t ever work unless he feels like it. * * * * One of the easiest things to understand and the hardest to learn is that the time to save money is when you’ve got some. * * * * When a woman asks a man a lot of questions, she ain’t seeking information she’s trying to catch him in a lie. * * * * Of course, a preacher oughtn’t to take no part in politics—if he ain’t on your side. * * * * Another reason why money is so popular is that it’ll git you in most anywhere and out of most anything. * * * * The average feller don’t believe in signs unless they point the way he wants to go anyhow. * * * * You must never judge a woman’s cooking by the cake she takes to a church social. * * * * No matter what goes wrong, the average man will figger out some way to blame it on his wife or the Government. * * * * About nine times out of ten a woman will respond to a question by asking another question. * * * * He has two sons, one in politics, and the other isn’t much good either. * * * * A feller don’t stick his neck out if he’s got something valuable on the top end of it. * * * * The reason a man can’t git anywhere arguing with a woman is because she asks so many questions he can’t answer. * * * * The average American is a funny feller that will mighty nigh break his neck to save ten minutes he ain’t got a bit of use for. * * * * If you talk hoss sense these days, a lot of folks will give you the hoss laugh. * * * * Women are more dangerous to men than whiskey, because whiskey will let a man alone if he’ll let it alone. * * * * The best doctors mix lots of common sense with their drugs. * * * * I was happier back in the old days when I didn’t have no radio to pipe the troubles of the world into my living room. * * * * Many a feller whose heart bleeds with sympathy for the poor has got a pocket that’s leak proof. * * * * I expect can openers has broken up more homes than blondes have. * * * * I’ve heard a lot of folks say money won’t bring happiness, but nary a one of ‘em had as much as $500 in the bank. * * * * Have you ever noticed that folks that claim they don’t believe in hell do more’n their share in raising it. * * * * One little watch said to the other little watch: “We must always tick together.†* * * * A two-dollar bill ain’t unlucky these days because it comes in mighty handy for buying a dollar’s worth of something. * * * * A skunk don’t smell so bad when he’s helping you fight a rattlesnake. * * * * A fellow can hide a lot of stupidness by being solemn. * * * * Sin and circuses don’t ever live up to their advance advertising. * * * * It ain’t no use to pray for the fish to bite if you don’t bait your hook. * * * * There ain’t no way to put a truckload of education on a wheelbarrow brain. * * * * I’ve always wondered how fools manage To get hold of so much money to part with.†* * * * A pitiful case is a woman about to bust from keeping a secret she can’t afford to tell. * * * * About all man has learned in the past quarter of a century is how to go faster and make more fuss. * * * * Life may not be worth living some of the time, but there ain’t no time it don’t beat dying. * * * * A feller kin say what he pleases at home—nobody don’t pay no attention to him there. * * * * A man gets forty times as much satisfaction out of voting against an enemy than voting for a friend. * * * * Many a feller has got hit in the head by a coconut while looking up his family tree. * * * * It’s usually easier in the long run to do what you ought to do than to try to explain why you didn’t. * * * * A fellow hasn’t much vision that can’t see beyond his pocketbook. * * * * A lot of folks wouldn’t part with their troubles if they could – they get too much enjoyment out of talking about ‘em. * * * * The biggest favor you kin do lots of folks is to give ‘em an excuse to bellyache. * * * * The fellow that thinks he’s looking down on somebody has usually got a poor sense of direction. * * * * An easy way to get the reputation of being peculiar is to think a lot and say what you think. * * * * It’s only natural that folks that hurry through life get through it quicker. * * * * I took a good look at a hippopotamus the other day and wondered how he could get any enjoyment out of being a hippopotamus. * * * * Another mistake a lot of folks make is rating a fellow by what he’s got, instead of by what he is. * * * * In most cases it looks like life is too short a time for a fellow to learn how to live in. * * * * About the time I decide the world can’t get any crazier, another headline hits me in the face, * * * * It ain’t Atlas that’s carrying the world around on his shoulders—it’s Old Man Ultimate Consumer. * * * * It ain’t so much that a man’s skeered of women, as it is he hates to get cussed out by somebody he can’t sock in the jaw. * * * * A man shows his age a long time before he learns to be it. * * * * Many a woman can’t be convinced a man loves her unless he breaks her heart. * * * * An intelligent girl is one who knows how to refuse a kiss without being deprived of it. * * * * Isn’t it strange that most folks can’t hang on to their manners and a steering wheel at the same time. * * * * Those who pride themselves on being hard boiled are usually only half-baked. * * * * One trouble with the country is that so many folks are making more money than they earn and others are spending more’n they make. * * * * It’s a funny thing, but the less mind a fellow has got, the harder time he has making it up. * * * * Two ways to kiss money good-bye is to loan it to kin-folks or bet on the other fellow’s game. * * * * It’s well and good to help the underdog, but don’t roll up your pants leg. * * * * A fellow that sits on a neutral fence gets shot in the pants by both sides. * * * * Uncle Sam must think there’s a taxpayer born every 30 seconds. * * * * Another trouble with the world is that most folks want more’n they’re willing to work for. * * * * I’ve been hearing all my life that right will prevail, I wish somebody would tell me when. * * * * If a feller is a bachelor it’s because no woman ever figured he was worth running down and hog-tying. * * * * No matter how sorry a fellow is, a hound dog will take up with him, and some widow woman will marry him. * * * * Love makes the world go around, but then so does a good swallow of tobacco juice. * * * * If there is plenty room at the top, why is so much shoving going on up there? * * * * There ain’t no fool like an old fool—and it’s a lot of fun to be around one sometimes. * * * * Lots of women don’t get to the end of a sentence till they run out of breath. * * * * Most free advice ain’t worth no more’n it costs. * * * * The feller that invented credit shore started a mess of trouble in this world. * * * * Ain’t nobody as wise, or as big a fool, as you think he is. * * * * They say little George Washington didn’t lie but, then, he didn’t have no wife to ask him how he liked her new hat. * * * * The Civil Service retirement fund deduction started July 1, 1942. * * * * Methuselah lived nearly a thousand years, and he didn’t know a vitamin from a dog’s hind leg. * * * * A feller won’t get very far in this world if he has to keep stopping to cover up his tracks. * * * *
  3. The judge read the list of charges, looked sternly at the woebegone creature facing him and asked: “Can it be possible that this instrument is correct and that you robbed the same house twice in less than a week?†The burglar nodded sadly. “Yes, sir. Ain’t this housing shortage terrible?†* * * *
  4. When did the USAF began to care about wasting money. The were building a new hanger at Ardmore Air Force Base when they decided to shut it down in 1959. I helped shut it down. The doors were put on the hanger after AAFB closed. snowyday
  5. “What’s that piece of string tied round your finger for, Bill?†“That’s a knot. Forget-me-not is a flower. With flour you make bread, and with bread you have cheese. This is to remind me to buy some pickled onions.†* * *
  6. A very well-known judge was sitting in the lounge of a hotel on a hot day drinking a steaming cup of coffee. A close friend arrived and said: “Why don’t you drink something cooling? Have you ever tried chilled gin and tonic?†“No, said the judge, “but I’ve tried a lot of fellows who have.†* * *
  7. An old Southern planter was discussing the hereafter with one of his servants. “Sam,†he said, “If you die first I want you to come back and tell me what it’s like over there. If I die first I’ll come back and tell you what it’s like. “That suits me, boss,†replied the old man â€but if you die first. I want you to promise that you’ll come back in the daytime.†* * *
  8. A man appeared in a newspaper office to place an ad offering $500 for the return of his wife’s cat. “That’s an awfully high price for a cat.†The clerk suggested. “Not for this one,†said the man, “I drowned it.†* * *
  9. Bobby,†queried the Fourth Grade teacher, “can you tell me the names of the first two people on earth?†“Ye—s,†answered little Bobby, trying desperately to remember, “I think they were called Odd and Even.†* f *
  10. You say you were paid $25 to vote Republican and also got $25 to vote Democrat?†inquired the judge. The defendant, one of the principals in an inquiry into alleged election bribery, replied, “Yes, your honor.†“And for whom did you finally vote?†continued the judge. The defendant exploded with indignation. “Your honor,†he answered, I voted according to my conscience! * * *
  11. Seeing an advertisement for a young woman to do light housework, a city girl applied for the job. “I think the sea air will do me good,†she wrote, adding. “Will you please say in your reply where the lighthouse is? * * *
  12. After an absence of a week, Adam returned to Paradise to find a sulky and suspicious Eve. Darling, how can you be jealous? Please remember I’m the first and only man and you are the first and only woman. There’s no one to be jealous of.†“I know all that,†said Eve, but . . .†Later that night, when Adam was asleep, Eve got up and carefully counted his ribs. * * * *
  13. A middle-aged couple, having driven far and wide searching for a motel, were finally able to find one, a run-down group of cabins well off the beaten path. They had been in bed for only a few moments when the wife jumped up and seized the phone. “Are you the owner of this dilapidated dump?†she shouted at the party on the other end of the line. “I am,†was the cool reply “What’s eating you?†“That,†retorted the woman, “is exactly what I’d like to know!†* f * *
  14. Secretary of State William H. Seward, attending a Washington gathering, had commented freely upon various subjects. But when the discussion turned to troop movements that had recently occurred, he immediately became silent. Several of the group voiced speculations, and one of the young women present turned to the statesman. “Governor Seward,†she beamed, “what do you think? Where are the troops going?†“Madam,†he replied, “if I did not know, I would tell you.†from 1943 * * * *
  15. A young man had been in the witness box a long while, bearing as best he could with the nagging and prodding of a flippant barrister, who aimed shifts of wit mercilessly at the unfortunate youth. “So,†exclaimed the barrister, sarcastically, “you really do not believe that you could rout an army of Philistines with the jawbone of an ass?†“Well,†replied the exasperated youth. “I might have a try with that jawbone when you’re done with it.†* * *
  16. A certain judge, who is deaf, was hearing a case in which both plaintiff and defendant were also deaf. The plaintiff said: “This man ought to be made to pay his rent.†The judge not hearing the statement, said cautiously to defendant: “What have you to say about that?†“Well,†said the defendant: “I always grind my corn at night.†Finally the judge said: “I have considered this action with great care, and have come to the conclusion that both brothers are equally liable to support their mother.†* * *
  17. A conference is a group of men who individually can do nothing, but as a group can meet and decide that nothing can be done. A statistician is a man who draws a mathematically precise line from an unwanted assumption to a foregone conclusion. A professor is a man whose job it is to tell students how to solve the problem of life which he himself has tried to avoid by becoming a professor. A consultant is a man who knows less about your business than you do and gets paid more for telling you how to run it than you could possibly make out of it even if you ran it right instead of the way he told you. A specialist is a man who concentrates more and more on less and less. An optimist thinks the future is uncertain. A pessimist is afraid the optimist is right. An economist is a man who can make a simple subject complex, a complex subject simple. In other words, an economist is simply simple. 1943 * * *
  18. A lawyer came to London to locate a young woman who had fallen heir to a large fortune. The police were called in to aid in the search, and placed the case in the hands of a clever and personably young detective. Several weeks passed by without any information, and the lawyer was beginning to feel deeply concerned over the matter, when the young detective appeared and smilingly informed him he had located the heiress. “Where is she?†asked the lawyer. “At my place,†replied the detective. “I married her yesterday.†* * *
  19. Two men were talking about fishing and one of them got off on the subject of a sailfish he had hooked in the Gulf Stream, out of Miami. “I fought that fish for three hours,†he said, “and believe it or not, when we hauled him on board, he weighed almost 1400 pounds.†The other man countered with this one. “I had a strike in the same region. I fought mine likewise for about three hours and when I brought him to gaff, it wasn’t a sailfish at all but the binnacle off an old Spanish galleon. Believe it or not, when we hauled the thing aboard, the light was still burning.†The first fisherman said nothing for a few moments. Finally he gathered himself together and said: “I’ll take 1200 pounds off my sailfish if you’ll put out that light. * * *
  20. Judge: (during divorce proceed-ings): “And why didn’t you speak to your wife once during these last seven years?†Husband: “I couldn’t think of anything that she herself hadn’t said already.†* * *
  21. “I say,†said a bumptious individual to a man standing at the street corner, “just tell me how I can get to Blank Street. “Well,†was the reply, “take the third turning on the left, first to the right, second to the right again, fourth to the left, first to right, fifth to left, cut across a square, pass through a crescent, take the second to the left, and you’ll get it.†The stranger jotted down the particulars and followed the instructions given. After three quarters of an hour he was startled to arrive at the place where he had asked the question, and to see the same man still standing at the corner. “Why did you direct me wrongly?†he demanded angrily. “You ask for Blank Street didn’t you?†“Yes.†“Well, then. I directed you right. This is Blank Street.†* * *
  22. One cold morning two friends went out duck hunting. A flask full of hot coffee kept one of them warm, while frequent nips at a bottle of whiskey kept the cold out of the other. There was no sign of ducks for several hours, when suddenly a lone bird appeared overhead. The coffee drinker raised his gun, fired and missed. His companion put down the whiskey, raised his gun and brought down the duck with one shot. “Good shooting,†commented the first. “Easy as pie,†said the other with a hiccough. “When a flock like that comes over you’re bound to hit one of them.†* * *
  23. “The people upstairs are very annoying,†complained the tenant. “Last night they stomped and banged on the floor until midnight.†“Did they wake you?†asked the landlord. “No.†explained the tenant, “luckily I was up, playing my tuba.†* * *
  24. A group of fishermen stopped in at a backwoods farm house to see if they could buy some lunch. “Reckon so,†the farmer’s wife said. “Effen you like pork chops—that’s all I got.†The hungry men fell to and ate up all the pork chops. Afterwards they complimented the wife on how excellent the chops were. “Well, I should hope so,†she replied. “That’s none of your old butchered meat. That hog died a natural death. * * *
  25. On his first trip to a town of any size, the mountain man was fascinated by the asphalt streets. Scraping his feet on the hard surface, he remarked to his son, “well, I declare, I can’t say as I blame ‘em fer buildin’ a city here. Ground’s too durned hard to plow!†* * *
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