snowyday

A man was telling his wife at breakfast of a curious dream he had had the previous night. “I dreamt I was dead,†he said, “and was on my way to Heaven. At the foot of Jacob’s ladder I was handed a piece of chalk with instructions to put a cross on each step for each sin I had committed, and when I was a short way up I met you coming down.†“Refused admittance?†“No, dear, going to get more chalk.†* * *

Bedtick A bedtick, according to Mr. Webster, is a stout cover or case, which when filled with hair, feathers or the like, forms a mattress, pillow or bolster. Today we are rightly paying great attention to the subject of sleep. A man appreciates the few hours of unconsciousness while he renews his strength. A good many of us could nat stand it if we had to feel for 24 hours every day the way we do when we are awake. Half a century ago, when folks worked hard enough so they always slept well, a lad expected one of his later autumn Saturday jobs to be filling the bed ticks with fresh crisp oat straw. It wasn’t a particular thrilling job. Mother ripped out the seam at one end of the tick, and then the old broken straw and debris was shaken out. For some reason, Mother always insisted that the ticks be turned inside out and brushed. Always seemed unnecessary to a young man to go through the labor. It was only a matter of time until the same condition would exist again. It was an art to fill the ticks just right. The straw had to be stuffed in tight. All too soon it would flatten out over the rope lacing of the bed. However, in the days when a fellow had a thick feather mattress over the straw tick, it didn’t make much difference. Electric blankets are a good thing, but in the days of yesteryear a man who now creaks in the morning, slept very well on the tick that he filled. * * *

Members of the school board were visiting the little school and the teacher anxiously sought to show off her pupils to best advantage. She asked one of her bright-faced little boys. Who signed the Magna Carta? He shook his head slowly. It wasn’t me, ma’am, he replied. The teacher told him to go to his seat. But one elderly board member was obviously displeased with the proceedings. He arose from his chair. Not so fast, he said. Bring that young man back. I believe he did sign it. * * *

Now that the shooting war is over we hope something can be done regarding lead pencils. A good lead pencil is one of the best and most useful tools ever invented by the mind of man. Men who appreciate that good workmen need good tools are particular about their pencils. They need just the right degree of softness and hardness so that the lead slips easily and pleasantly over the paper. They must be just the right diameter to fit the hand. The wood must be clear and soft so that it will sharpen easily and smoothly. Some men, old-fashioned though it may be, still enjoy sharpening their pencils with a pocket knife. Few are the tools so much used all a man’s life. From about the age of two on a lead pencil is a desirable material possession. A man likes to keep a good supply in a box in the upper right hand drawer of the desk in his den, and undoubtedly would if all members of the family didn’t consider that their source of supply. Therefore, he keeps his good pencils in the lowest drawer on the left hand side. A man has a trying time with growing sons and daughters and a wife. But little things like this help him keep his ego. If a man couldn’t control his cherished pencils it would indeed be a harsh world. March 15, 1946 * * *

Praised inordinately by a banquet M.C. one evening, Thomas A. Edison acknowledged the encomiums, then added. “Our distinguished chairman was wrong on one point, however. It was God who invented the first talking machine. I only invented a way to shut it off.†* * *

There is much more to horse trading than shifting of ownership. The amenities of the preliminary skirmishing follow a definite ritual. When two men get together with the idea of a trade they discuss the weather, the condition of the live-stock, the abominable condition of the roads, politics, and the chances of a good growing season. As they sit in the open barn doorway very likely they are casually whittling as they work along to the time when it will be acceptable for one to mention that he had heard the other might consider a trade. Then the dickering begins. One allows he had considered trading his horse. Wasn’t anxious at all for old Jerry was a mighty faithful horse. Clever, too, dependable, and all his teeth were still sound. The other knows all about old Jerry. He’s likely to balk; gives up in hard situations and his teeth are poor. But the second man wants to trade his old Daisy. As he puts, “she’s a great horse, steady, faithful and a hard worker.†The other knows all about old Daisy. Her wind is poor and she has to be fed wet mash instead of hard grain. There’s a strange philosophy governing men when they trade horses. Men who otherwise hew close to the trail of veracity stretch the facts to a thin line. With straight faces they summon arguments of paper-tissue strength. But there’s the essence of pioneering democracy in the situation. Each man believes his judgment is as good as his peers. Each knows he must abide by the results. No paternalistic bureaucracy will lift the weight from his shoulders. Maybe a little horse trading philosophy could be infused into the body politic with beneficial results. * * *

The late Governor Stone of Mississippi remembered with gratitude — not unmixed with slight feeling of shame and chagrin — the first lesson he ever learned concerning the proper manner of dealing with the public. Two cotton farmers came to a little railway station in Iuka, where Stone was holding forth as agent, to ask a few questions concerning a freight shipment they were planning to make. Agent Stone, who, at the time, considered himself, an extremely busy and important man, grew weary of the queries, and answered them sharply and impatiently. When the two cotton farmers finally turned away from the window, still a bit puzzled and dissatisfied, Stone overheard one remark to the other: “Dat’s always de way — de littler de station de bigger, de agent.†What Stone learned in that instant helped to make him governor of Mississippi. * * *

During the Prohibition Era, a New York exporter took one of his British customers to a place where strong drink could be had. After consuming several rather potent highballs, the Britisher blinked owlishly and remarked: I shay, old man! Why do they call this a speakeasy when, obvi’shly, they make one’s speech become increashingly diff-i-cult?†* * * *

A patient was pleading with a doctor that he really didn’t need an operation. “There’s nothing wrong with me,†he argued, “except that my appendix itches.†“Good,†replied the doctor, we’ll take it out.†“Just because it itches?†the patient gasped. “Certainly,†the doctor boomed back. “Have to take it out before we can scratch it.†* * *

Pancho and an Irishman named Patrick were caught rustling cattle over the border, and after a summary trial were sentenced to be hanged. When the boys strung up Pancho, the rope slipped and he fell into the river below, rapidly swimming around a curve and made his escape. Chagrined, the posse turned to string up Patrick, who cautioned them: “Boys; be sure to tie a better knot this time, I can’t swim a stroke.†* * *

One day in the House of Commons, Winston Churchill delivered a speech which aroused a storm of protest. “One of these days,†a colleague predicted, “you will be eating those words.†“I have had to eat my words many times,†replied Churchill, “and I may add, I have always found them a wholesome diet.†* * * *

A conductor stumbled twice over the foot of a small boy. Looking back at the mother, the conductor said: “Some people seem to have very awkward children.†“Yes,†said the mother; “I was just thinking your mother had one.†* * *

A person whose name is not given, entered the burying-ground at Cumminsville, Ohio, a few nights since, and removed a dead body from a grave, which he placed in a sack. In making his exit from the graveyard, it was necessary to scale a high board fence, which the resurrectionist evidently found difficult in accomplishing with the burden with which he was encumbered. In order, therefore, to give him free use of his hands and arms, he placed the cord attached to the mouth of the sack around his shoulders, and climbed to the top of the fence when he must have fallen off, leaving the corpse on the opposite side. The result was, that the cord was drawn up around his neck, and he was found dead the next morning, having been choked to death by the weight of the corpse on the opposite side of the fence. (from the Fayetteville Observer of Fayetteville, Tennessee March 31, 1859) * * *

She was seeking comfort from the kindly old preacher. “I don’t know what’s to become of my man,†she said. “He doesn’t do a lick of work. All he does is drink an’ hunt.†“Well, at least,†mused the preacher, “hunting is of some value.†“His ain’t,†snapped the wife. “What he hunts is a drink.†* * *

Dallas, Texas – A local man, arrested for refusing to report to his draft board, said. “Too many people are getting killed in the Army.†1951 “I’ve just received by first-class mail, Your lovely formal greeting, But better judgment must prevail And I can't keep that meeting. “A soldier boy I cannot be, An airman, or a ranger. The way I hear it there must be Just too doggoned much danger. * * *

An interesting case has been decided in Pittsfield, Mass. A child of Israel was brought before the court for Sabbath-breaking. Hebrew Bible in hand, he showed that his Sunday was Saturday, and that he kept it strictly. The decision was at least curious. The judge told him that the statute of Massachusetts permitted him to transact his regular business on Sunday, but did not authorize him to go fishing on that day, and he was required to pay a fine, which made his fish cost him, considerably more than the market price. From the Galveston Daily News of Galveston, Texas dated May 17, 1876. * * *

All summer a mid-western minister noted with dismay, a goodly percentage of his congregation fell quietly asleep during his sermon. Determined to learn the reason why, he had one of his discourses tapped, and after Labor Day dinner, put it on the recording machine in his study, and prepared to make notes. A half hour later, there was a phone call for him and his wife woke him up. * * *

A reformer was conducting her campaign outside a saloon. As one man came out of the door exuding alcohol fumes, she put a hand on his arm and said: “Reflect; if you arrive at the gates of Heaven with your breath reeking of liquor, do you think St. Peter will let you in?†“My good woman,†said the man, “when I go to Heaven I expect to leave my breath behind.†* * *

The agriculture official told the old farmer to collect his stock of every description and have them branded. “I suppose that’s all right,†the farmer said, scratching his head, “but I’m gonna have a devil of a time with them bees,†* * *

Bobby had a hard time pronouncing the letter “R†so the teacher gave him a sentence to learn: “Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare. A few days later she asked Bobby to repeat the sentence. He rose and said, “Bob gave Dick a poke in the side for not cooking the bunny enough.†* * * *

Down in South Alabama a woman passing a neighbor’s house, and beholding the lord and master of the establishment dozing peacefully on the shady veranda, leaned over the garden fence, and to the man’s longsuffering better half observed: “Well, I see your old man is still taking things easy.†The woman in the garden straightened up from her hoeing, absently massaged her aching back, and replied. “Yes Sarah, he is.†A wispy ghost of a smile flitted over her tired face. “You know,†she added, “that man has just two regrets in life. One is that he has to wake up to eat, and the other that he has to quit eating to sleep.†* * *

The chef was giving an assistant the bawling out of his life for an error. He shouted: “Didn’t I tell you to notice when the soup boiled over?†The poor fellow held up a hand in defense and said: “I did! I did!! It was half-past ten.†* * * *

A lush brother up in the North Woods one day wandered around to where a couple of fellows were working with one of those big cross-cut saws where one stands on each side of the tree they are cutting. One of these lumbermen was practically a giant, and the other a little shrimp. Back and forth went the saw, back and forth. Finally the drunk could stand it no longer. “You big bully,†he exclaimed, smacking the giant lumberman flush on the jaw, “if the little guy wants the saw – let him have it.†* * *

An ancient mosquito and a young mosquito were talking things over. The older one mentioned how lucky things were for youngsters. “How can you say so?†replied the other. “Look at the things we have to put up with now. All kinds of insecticides. It’s so hard to live these days.†“Maybe,†retorted the older. “But in my time when I wandered around the beach we could bite a girl only on the hands or face. Look at the opportunities you fellows have these days.†* * *

Officer Mullooney was the stupidest clunk on the Sarsaparilla Falls police force, but his father-in-law was mayor and president of the bank, so there was no way of remedying the situation. One night his chief told Mullooney: “There’s a buzzard been carting apples out of Farmer Klopfer’s orchard every night. I want you to catch him red-handed.†Late that night, Mullooney spotted a man sneaking off the Klopfer premises with a heavy sack. “Mull†collared him and emptied the sack on the ground. Out tumbled a silver tea set, a Picasso miniature, and Mrs. Klopfer’s sable coat. “Golly, I’m sorry,†apologized, Mullooney. “I thought you was stealing apples.†* * * I hope this is not a rerun. My memory is bad but I am trying to mark the ones I have posted.