snowyday

“How did you do in school today, Tommy?†asked a school-boy’s mother. “All right,†was the answer. “Teacher said I was a regular little beaver.†“She did?†exclaimed the parent proudly. “That goes to show what a hard worker you are.†“W-e-l-l, not exactly,†said the boy. “It was really for chewing my pencil.†* * * *

Knowing that the old expression, “To ride shank’s mare,†means to walk, a woman was amazed when she heard her husband telling a little newsboy about his paper route as a boy. “And I didn’t have a nice shiny bike to ride, either,†said the husband, “I had to get up at the crack of dawn and ride shank’s mare all the way.†“Gosh, that must have been swell,†said the newsboy. “Just like Paul Revere.†* * *

The only son of a multi-millionaire was made petty officer of a submarine during the last war. On several occasions he heard the penurious captain warn the crew: “Torpedoes are mighty expensive. They cost thousands of dollars. Before you fire one be sure you are going to hit the target.†Shortly after one of the lectures, the multi-millionaire’s son spotted an enemy destroyer coming toward the sub. He yelled into the loudspeaker: “Destroyer spotted on the port side approaching.†There was no answer. “Destroyer 400 yards away and approaching,†he yelled. Pause. “Destroyer 200 yards away and closing,†he bellowed. Still no answer and no action. “Destroyer 100 yards away!†he screamed. No answer. No action. “Destroyer 50 yards away,†he shouted at the top of his voice. No answer. “Fire!†he yelled hysterically, “I’ll pay for it!†* * *

Golfer Sam Sneed once told a group of awe-stricken fans at the Century Golf Club about the time he was slicing badly and zoomed a drive 280 yards through a bungalow window. “The ball upset an oil lamp and set the bungalow on fire,†asserted Sam “What did you do?†chorused the fans. “There was only one thing I could do,†said Sam solemnly. “I quickly teed up another ball, aimed carefully, and hit the fire alarm box on Anderson road. The fire engines were at the bungalow before much damage was done!†* * *

Carrying a bucket, a young Naval officer was making his way along the deck of a rolling destroyer in an Atlantic storm when he was swept overboard. He had been given up for lost when another huge wave swept him back again. An officer hurried up to him. He struggled to his feet, saluted and said, “Sorry, sir, I lost the bucket.†* * *

Officer Mullooney was the stupidest clunk on the Sasparilla Falls police force, but his father-in-law was mayor and president of the bank, so there was no way of remedying the situation. One night his chief told Mullooney: “There’s a buzzard been carting apples out of Farmer Klopfer’s orchard every night. I want you to catch him red-handed.†Late that night, Mullooney spotted a man sneaking off the Klopfer premises with a heavy sack. “Mull†collared him and emptied the sack on the ground. Out tumbled a silver tea set, a Picasso miniature, and Mrs. Klopfer’s sable coat. “Golly, I’m sorry,†apologized, Mullooney. “I thought you was stealing apples.†* * *

A housewife was complaining to a tramp who called at her door. “You never seem to do anything,†she said, except hang around the local bars.†“That’s where you’re wrong, lady,†replied the tramp. “I’ve got a job in a domino factory.†“And what do you do?†“I put the spots on the dominos.†“And why," asked the suspicious housewife, “aren’t you working there now?†“Don’t have to,†was the reply. “Today the factory is making double blanks.†* * *

“Don’t be afraid of Fido,†said a dog owner to his Chinese guest. “You know the old proverb, “A barking dog never bites’?†“Yes,†said the guest, “you know proverb, I know proverb, but do dog know proverb?†* * *

The State Police had been questioning a ventriloquist for hours. Eventually one of them turned to an inspector and said: “Sir, we’ve been grilling him for six hours now, so far, a detective, two patrolmen, the doctor and the minister have all confessed to the crime. Must we go on. * * * *

I recently ran across the following article in an old newspaper and I think you should read it. This article was written in 1959. LET’S DISPLAY THE FLAG People who have been decrying the fact that we have gotten out of the practice of flying the American Flag will have a chance to put their good intentions into action on Sunday – Flag Day. On that day the United States pays homage to the 48-starred flag for the last time – officially. Informally, the nation on Sunday says good-bye to the standard it has known longest (since Arizona was admitted as a state in 1912) – the flag which had led its forces into two world wars and the blood hostilities in Korea. The 48-starred emblem will be superseded on July 4 by a new flag recognizing Alaska as the 49th state. And the life of that new standard inevitably will be brief; on July 4, 1960, it will be replaced by a flag with a 50th star – for Hawaii. Display of the new flag will be improper before Independence Day, but after that day the 48-starred emblems will not be discarded. The White House has explained that “with limited exceptions, agencies of the federal government will continue to display the 48-star flag as long as it is still in good condition.†With all this emphasis on this year on the Flag we certainly should bestir ourselves on Flag Day, Fourth of July or any day when it is especially fitting and proper to display Old Glory. We should make sure that one is waving in front of our house. It is a small way of showing patriotism. Times Record, Troy of New York June 12, 1959 * f *

The young lion tamer was being interviewed on television. “I understand your father also was a lion tamer,†said the announcer. “Yes indeed he was,†said the young man. “And do you actually put your head in the lion’s mouth?†inquired the announcer. “Only once,†said the young man, “to look for Dad.†* * *

Arriving home late after an evening with the boys, he was afraid to enter since his wife was one who would waken at the creak of a stair. Suddenly he brightened with an idea. He tiptoed into the kitchen, and carefully tied together several pots and pans with his necktie. Dragging them upstairs behind him, he muttered, “She’ll never hear me in all this noise.†* * *

“Sign your name at the bottom of this form,†said the prison warden to a new arrival. “Sorry,†said the prisoner, “I can’t write.†The warden considered for a moment. “All right,†he said. “But what are you in for?†“Forgery.†“Forgery?†echoed the warden. “How can you be in for forgery when you can’t write?†“I don’t know,†said the prisoner. “I think I must have had a rotten lawyer.†* * *

A private had been given the job of announcing the guests at a party in the officers’ mess. “Capt. Jones, Mrs. Jones and Miss Jones,†he called when they arrived. “Shorten your announcements,†whispered the officer in charge. Capt. Jones and family would have been sufficient.†The next arrivals were Maj. Penny and his family. “Four-pence!†called the private. * * * *

During World War II an emergency call for a blood donor was sent to the Navy Yard. A rosy-cheeked Irish employee volunteered. At the hospital she was surprised to learn that the patient was a fellow worker, a Jewish friend from her own department. Some months later he returned to work, but never mentioned her help. But came St. Patrick’s Day he arrived resplendent in a bright green tie. “Why, Mr. Cohen,†she explained, “I didn’t know you were Irish.†Cohen smiled knowingly and said: “Sure, and some of the finest blood from Ireland flows in my veins.†* * *

On a blistering hot day, World War II commander General Joseph W. Stilwell called at a base hospital to present the Silver Star to a wounded infantry-man. The GI was lying on the bed wearing only the trousers of his pajamas. General Stilwell picked up the sheet at the foot of the bed, pulled it up over the man’s chest and pinned the medal on it. * * *

A car stopped at the United States border and a Customs official looked at the occupants’ passports. “Your passport is in order,†he said to the driver, “but can you prove that this lady is your wife?†The driver glanced at his forbidding-looking companion, and whispered to the official: “There’s a nice present for you if you can prove she isn’t.†* * *

The boy was practicing his violin lesson in the house, while out on the porch, his younger sister, was playing with the dog. As the boy was scraping away on his fiddle, the hound howled dismally. The sister stood it as long as she could, then she poked her head in the open window and said: “For goodness sake, Jimmy, can’t you play something the dog doesn’t know?†* * * *

A new railway inspector was objecting to the length of the line overseer’s reports. “Don’t make them so wordy,†he said. “Just put down the condition of the tracks as you find them. Leave out everything that isn’t absolutely to the point. I want a business report, not a novel.†A few days later the line was badly flooded, and the overseer wrote: “Where the railway was the river is.†* * * *

It was one of those mountain roads and the tourist stopped to ask directions from a native. “Pardon me, sir,†said the stranger, “can you tell me where this road goes?†“Well,†said the hillbilly, “it just moseys along a piece, then it turns into a hog trail, then a squirrel track, and finally runs up a scrub pine and ends in a knothole.†* * *

Gordon Turner, editor of the Nantucket Inquirer & Mirror, tells about an island farmer who arranged to have an aged aunt cared for in a rest home. On every visit, he brought her delicacies from the farm, especially including a thermos bottle of fresh milk laced (on the advice of her physician) with a little brandy. Recently the old lady interrupted her contented sipping of the thermos bottle’s contents to command: “Larry, don’t you ever dare to sell that cow.†* * * *

After a few words, mostly spoken by the young wife, her hubby sprang to his feet. “You’ve gone too far! “he exclaimed, angrily. “This is our last quarrel. I’m going right out of your life.†“Oh, Henry, darling, where are you going?†she cried. “I’ll find a place where wild adventure will wipe out the memories of this moment – perhaps in the jungle – or on the stormy seas --.†As he spoke he opened the door, then closed it again and turned sternly to his wife. “It’s lucky for you it’s starting to rain,†he said. * * *

A pair of newlyweds stepped into the hotel elevator. “Hello darling,†murmured the pretty operator. There is a chilly silence all the way up. But when they reached the floor the bride exploded. “Who was that hussy?†“Now don’t you start anything,†begged the groom. “I’m going to have enough trouble explaining you to her tomorrow.†* * *

“Any of you lads know anything about shorthand?†a sergeant asked a bunch of recruits. There was a quick response. Six men fell out at once. “Righto. They are short-handed in the cookhouse,†barked the sergeant. 1944 * * * *

Three men lived on the 25th floor of an apartment building. One day the elevator was out of order so they had to walk up to their apartment. To pass the time they decided that the first man would sing a song, the second would tell a joke, and the third would tell a sad story. They were on the 24th flight of stairs when it was the third man’s turn. All he said was: “I forgot the key.†* * *