Sonny
-
Posts
2,952 -
Joined
-
Last visited
-
Days Won
76
Content Type
Profiles
Forums
Store
Gallery
Downloads
Calendar
C-130 Hercules News
Posts posted by Sonny
-
-
I am a senior citizen...- I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.- I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.- I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...- I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.- I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.- I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.- I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...- I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.- I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...- I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.- I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.- I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.- I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.- I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?- I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.- I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the storeroom.- I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't I?
-
1
-
-
A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editorinforms her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'."Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries."Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a fewseconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1983Pick-up for sale.'"
-
1
-
-
Men Vs. Women:Toys:Women: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.Men: Men never grow out of their toy obsession. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive, silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.Cameras:Men: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes.Women: Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.Locker Rooms:Men: In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.Women: They talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.Movies:Women: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man.Men: The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.Jewelry:Women: Women look nice when they wear jewelry.Men: A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.Conversation:Men: Men need a good disagreement to get talking. For instance, "Wow, great movie." or "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size."Women: Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so on.Leg Warmers:Women: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.Men: A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."Friends:Women: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time.Men: Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "got any more beer?"Restrooms:Women: Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. Women also go to the restroom in packs, at least two women at a time excuse themselves to use the restroom.Men: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"
-
1
-
-
Mitsy and Milda were talking about their grandchildren after the holidays.Mitsy said, “My daughter-in-law stopped making my grandchildren send their thank you notes. Each year I sent the grandchildren a card with a generous check inside. I always received a lovely thank you note.However, since my daughter-in-law stopped making the grandkids send thank you notes, I never hear from them.”Milda said, “My daughter-in-law never made the grandchildren send thank you notes. I, too, send them a very generous check. However, for the past several years, I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each pay me a personal visit.”“Wow,” remarked Mitsy. “I wish mine would do that.”“You can, Mitsy, you can.”“How?” Mitsy asked.“Simple,” Milda replied.“Do what I do: Don’t sign the check”.
-
1
-
-
I used to be a butcher, but I backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in my work.I used to be an optician, but I made a spectacle of myself.I worked on screen doors, but I strained myself.I used to work as a hot-air balloon pilot, but my status was up in the air.I used to work in a frozen food factory, but I got fresh and then they canned me.I used to work in a dairy. I got fired for getting in the whey.I lost my job at the massage parlor. I rubbed people the wrong way.I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.I was working in an orange juice factory, but I couldn't concentrate.I tried to be a chef. I imagined it would add a little spice to my life, but I didn't have the thyme.I once was a tailor, but I wasn't suited for it. It was a so-so job.I worked at Starbucks, but it was the same old grind.I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.I tried to work at a deli, but no matter how I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.I worked for a plumber, but that work was too draining.I even worked as a lumberjack, but I couldn't hack it. So they gave me the ax.I tried to work in a shoe factory, but I couldn't fit in.I became a fisherman, but couldn't live on my net income.I was a musician, but I found I wasn't noteworthy.I then got a job at a workout club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.I got a job as a historian, but there was no future in that!I wanted to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
-
1
-
-
A man stops by a cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets and leaves his tip--three pennies.As he strides toward the door, his waitress muses, only half to herself: "You know, you can tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh, really? Tell me, what does my tip say?""Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely able to conceal his pride, the man utters "Hmm, true enough.""And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised at her perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too.""And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."
-
1
-
-
Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? As told by famous people:AN ORTHODOX RABBI: It was the Sabbath what was he going to do, drive there?THE POPE: The chicken was motivated to cross the road because he realized that only by doing so could he achieve Salvation.PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.GEORGE H. W. BUSH: The chicken saw a thousand points of light and crossed the road.DAN QUAYLE: I had not heard the chicken crossed the road.PLATO: For the greater good.ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2011, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book.OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"CHARLES DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road . It transcended it.ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?MICHAEL SCHUMACHER; it was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross
-
It was mailman George's last day on the job after 35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of weather.When he arrived at the first house on his route, the whole family came out, roundly congratulated him, and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.At the next house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.When he'd had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge."All this is just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?""Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.'""Breakfast was my idea."
-
1
-
-
-
Signs You Drink Too Much Coffee:- You answer the door before people knock.- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.- You ski uphill.- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.- You lick your coffeepot clean.- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.- You chew on other people's fingernails.- Your T-shirt says, "Decaffeinated coffee is the devil's blend."- You can jump-start your car without cables.- Cocaine is a downer.- You don't need a hammer to pound nails.- You don't sweat, you percolate.- You buy 1/2 & 1/2 by the barrel.- You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.- You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.- You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.- You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.- People get dizzy just watching you.- You've worn the finish off your coffee table.- The Taster's Choice couple wants to adopt you.- Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.- Instant coffee takes too long.- When someone says. "How are you?", you say, "Good to the last drop."- You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.- Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.- You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.- You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.- You can thread a sewing machine, while it's running.- You can outlast the Energizer bunny.- You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.- You think being called a "drip" is a compliment.- You don't tan, you roast.- You can't even remember your second cup.
-
1
-
-
There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys and a team of two Irish guys.So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job."Both teams headed right out.At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.Forty-five minutes later, Ole and Sven, the Norwegian guys came back in and they were totally exhausted.The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"Ole, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Sven and me, we got three in."The boss gasped, "Three? Those two Irish guys put in twelve!""Yeah," said Ole, "but you should see how much they left stickin out of the ground!
-
Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.The wife said, ''What are we going to do?''''Nothing,'' said Ben, ''The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.''
-
The day finally arrived. Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.St. Peter said, "Well, Forest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though,that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone.The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."Forest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forest, but the test is only three questions.First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?Second: How many seconds are there in a year?Third: What is God's first name?"Forest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up,and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."Forest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week beginswith the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow."The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point,and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St.Peter."How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forest, but I thunk and thunk about that,and I guess the only answer can be Twelve."Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"Forest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... ""Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?"Sure," Forest replied, "it's Andy.""Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter."Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up withthe name Andy as the first name of God?""Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forest replied. "I learnt it from the song,ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN."St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forest, run."
-
Definitions:Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.Baloney buh-lo'-nee: Where some hemlines fall.Bernadette burn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage.Burglarize bur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with.Control kon-trol': A short, ugly inmate.Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.Eclipse i-klips': what an English barber does for a living.Eyedropper i'-drop-ur: a clumsy ophthalmologist.Heroes hee'-rhos: what a guy in a boat does.Left Bank left' bangk': what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.Misty mis'-tee: How golfers create divots.Paradox par'-u-doks: two physicians.Parasites par'-uh-sites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist: a helper on the farm.Polarize po'-lur-ize: what penguins in Antarctica see.Primate pri'-mat: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.Relief ree-leef': what trees do in the spring.Rubberneck rub'-er-nek: what you do to relax your wife.Seamstress seem'-stres: describes 200 pounds in a size two.Selfish sel'-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does.Subdued sub-dood': a guy, that works on one of those submarines.Sudafed sood'-a-fed: bringing litigation against a government official
-
Food Spoilage Guide, A Guide For The Rest Of Us:Finally, a way to know what to pitch and what to save!THE GAG TESTAnything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).EGGSWhen something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.DAIRY PRODUCTSMilk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.MAYONNAISEIf it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.FROZEN FOODSFrozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.EXPIRATION DATESThis is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.MEATIf opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.BREADSesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.FLOURFlour is spoiled when it wiggles.SALTIt never spoils.CEREALIt is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.LETTUCEBibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.CANNED GOODSAny canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.CARROTSA carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.RAISINSRaisins should not be harder than your teeth.POTATOESFresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.CHIP DIPIf you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.EMPTY CONTAINERSPutting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.UNMARKED ITEMSYou know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.GENERAL RULE OF THUMBMost food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.
-
There are a lot of folks who can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in America.Well, there's a very simple answer.Nobody bothered to check the oil.We just didn't know we were getting low.The reason for that is purely geographical.All our oil is in Alaska, Texas, California, and Oklahoma.All our dipsticks are in Washington, DC.
-
A foursome of golfers, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the waitresses were young, good looking, had big breasts and wore short-shorts.Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer selection was excellent.Ten years later, at age 60, the foursome again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.
-
What's the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78?At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story.At 78 - You can get out of bed, that's another story.
-
MERGER TIPS FOR 2022:For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.Watch for these consolidations in 2022:1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: FairwellHoneychild.7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
-
The following headlines were actually printed in newspapers. The irony in some of these are absolutely astonishing, hilariously funny (though sometimes awkward). Check them out:- Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One- Miners Refuse to Work after Death- Include Your Children when Baking Cookies- Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted- Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case- Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over- British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands- Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe- Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told- Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant- War Dims Hope for Peace- Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures- Deer Kill 17,000- Stolen Painting Found by Tree- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy- Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire- Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood- Local High School Drop-outs Cut in Half- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors- Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter- Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges- Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks- Eye Drops Off Shelf- Teachers Strike Idle Kids- Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead- Princess Diana Was Alive Hours Before She Died
-
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly."Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked."I'm an inspector from Termite Busters," said the exterminator."What are you doing in there?" the husband asked."I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied."And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."
-
I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.I give them pictures of my family, my dog and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch and doing what anybody and everybody does everyday.I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.And it works just like Facebook! I already have four people following me:Two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.
-
A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy.When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy"The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection"The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might, but it won't be yours."
-
A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man."To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise.""I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.""I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day.""Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?""Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
New Words for the Workplace
in Sonny's Funnies
Posted