ElijahChavez

Subject: The Alaskan Barbie Collection - Just in Time for Christmas Giving!

Juneau Barbie:

Juneau Barbie has a good job working for the State. She gets to travel to

Anchorage frequently, where she buys her clothes at Eddie Bauer and

Nordstrom. She keeps herself in tip top shape, and participates in the

Kluane bike race, as well as the Skagway to Whitehorse Klondike run. She

and her girlfriends love to drink, dance, and sing together, re-living

their athletic accomplishments. Juneau Barbie has a lot of help around

the house because Juneau Ken lost his politically appointed position during

the last change of administration. Juneau Ken works part time as a

"consultant", but he is frequently seen helping with his daughter's

Montessori school field trips, and driving his son to the O.D.T. (Olympic

Development Team) soccer practices. He is an active participant with the

Juneau Ski Club, and helps coach his daughter's Mitey Mite team. Juneau

Ken is a member of the Sierra Club, Friends of Recycling, and serves on

the Middle School Site Council.

Haines Barbie:

Haines Barbie is originally from the East Coast, but moved to Alaska after

school in California. She drives a small Toyota truck with a camper shell

in the back. Haines Barbie dresses in birkenstocks and carhharts in the

dry months, and extratuffs and carhartts in the wet months. Haines Barbie

can do anything a man can do. She built her own cabin at Mud Bay, with

the help of her then-lover Jennifer. Haines Barbie works very hard to save

the environment. She was successful in shutting down the timber industry,

as well as driving off the cruise ships. She is very low-profile about her

family trust fund. Things worked out okay for awhile with Haines Ken.

But Haines Ken had a difficult time finding employment in Haines. One week he

took the ferry to Juneau to protest the Kensington Mine project. He saw

women wearing stockings, showing off their smoothly shaved legs. He

doesn't know how it happened, but he hooked up one night with an urban

environmentalist. She smelled fabulous, and was wearing silky matching

cheap lingerie. Haines Ken was hooked! He took a job working for the Forest

Service and moved to Juneau.

Homer Barbie:

Homer Barbie comes with a doctorate in environmental sciences and a

70's-90's Subaru. She is very good friends with Girdwood Barbie. She

also comes with a life-time pass to the Bay Club, a punch-card to Captain's

Coffee, a job at Homer Mental Health, a membership to the Pratt Museum, a

kayak, and a self-righteous, holier-than-thou attitude. Homer Ken is

either fishing, at the bar, or studying in the states. His friends know,

but they won't tell her. Homer Barbie is available at Solstice Music,

KBBI, Ptarmigan Arts, or any of the regular Downward Dog Production

outlets.

Ninilchik Barbie:

Ninilchik Barbie comes in two very distinct models, Good Ninilchik Barbie

and Bad Ninilchik Barbie.

Good Ninilchik Barbie comes with a lot of baggage. She has two small kids

and about 50,000 dollars in student loans. She has a nice face and a

sweet personality but becomes instantly enraged when anyone mentions Ninilchik

Ken who has run off with his cousin. Good Ninilchik Barbie can be found

either in church or at Deep Creek Custom Packing.

Bad Ninilchik Barbie is the racier of the two models. She is voice

activated to spew foul language or spread her legs. She comes with a

pick-up truck, a pack of juvenile pseudo-Kens, with whom she attended high

school, and a keg of beer. She is also know as Instant Tail Gate Party

Barbie. She can be found inhaling her dinner over a mirror at the Inlet

View.

Anchor Point Barbie:

Anchor Point Barbie is missing three teeth, has boobs down to her

waistline, and comes with four kids under the age of 10. She has a custom

made pool cue, a Barbie dream shack without running water, electricity, an

outhouse, and several vehicles that don't work parked in her trash-filled

yard. A.P. Barbie doesn't come with A.P. Ken, but if you know where he

is, be sure to let us know so she can kick that no-good sonofabitch's ass and

collect some child support. Available at Goodwill.

Soldotna Barbie:

Soldotna Barbie has very processed hair, dresses like a teen-ager, and

wears a lot of blue-eyeliner. She doesn't have a job, a GED, or a Ken.

She comes with a bag of pills. Condoms may or may not be included. She

is VERY available during tourist season at the Riverside or Hooligans.

Kenai Barbie:

Kenai Barbie wears all leather, drives a Harley, and can teach you how to

play pool. She is very friendly if you are not intimidated by her

truck-driving biceps. You can pick her up at the King's Inn, but likely

Kenai Ken will smash your face in for trying.

Sterling Barbie:

Sterling Barbie is pale and thin with long stringy hair and pockmarked

face. She has two kids, but they stay with her mother. She drives

Slope-worker Ken's brand-new Chevy pick-up. No one has seen Sterling

Barbie for weeks, but we think she's staying with Spenard Barbie in

Anchorage.

Nikiski Barbie:

Nikiski Barbie isn't available anywhere. She is spotted, infrequently,

running errands for her children or husband, wearing a turtle-neck, heavy

make-up, and large, dark sunglasses. She says she falls down a lot, but

never has time to talk about it. Nikiski Ken works at Agrium and doesn't

have time to worry about this kind of bullshit, dammit!

Kasilof Barbie:

Kasilof Barbie looks similar to her sister, Girdwood Babie, except she

comes with a gun and a dog team and isn't afraid to get a little bloody in

the search of her next meal. She won't tell you where she lives, but she

knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy if you know what we mean.

Kasilof Ken may or may not be one of those guys, but he's definitely down

with whatever.

Kodiak Barbie:

Super skinny coke whore driving a beat up rusty yellow Toyota Corolla with

outdated plates and an empty gun rack in the rear window. Lots of Harley

Davidson bumper stickers. Drinks Rainer Beer like water and lets her six

kids baby-sit themselves while she walks around Downtown, looking for the

ships that she swears were there a minute ago! Shops for clothes at the

Mission. Ken's out fishing crab, but she has Extra Coast Guard Ken under her bed

for emergencies. She would like more money for booze and black hair dye to cover her

grey roots and distract from her rotten teeth. Wears tight faded jeans with pullover

hoodie with a snappy saying like, "Alaska: Where Men Are Men, And So Are The Women"

and her faded "Iditarod" tee shirt, beat up stinky rubber cannery boots to match her

Helly Hansen rain gear. Likes to saddle up to the Philapinos Downtown and pretend she

knows what the hell they are talking about. Knows every musician in town, and thinks they

are all her boyfriend, while she dances like a wasted idiot at the Mecca.

Used to be pretty, but now has to rely on five layers of Cover Girl to

mask her black eye she got while trying to butter up a fisherman at the

ATM.

Hillside Barbie

This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordstrom.

She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of a BMW

convertible or Hummer H2 and a longhaired foreign lapdog named Honey, and

a cookie-cutter dream house with a to-die-for view of the inlet. Also

included are a Starbucks mug, credit card set, and Alaska Airlines Gold

MVP membership. Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and boob-job.

Workaholic, shallow, cheating husband Ken comes with a Porsche.

Southside Barbie

This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with a Ford Explorer and

matching Alaska Club workout ensemble. She gets lost easily and has no

full time occupation. Comes with Percocet prescription and Botox.

Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately. Husband Ken is into fishing,

hunting, golfing, eating, and lusting for other women. Available at

Costco.

Spenard Barbie

This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, switchblade, '78 El

Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is

available only after dark and can only be purchased with cash - preferably

small bills, unless you're a cop, then we don't know what you're talking

about. Boyfriend Ken is in jail. Available at many pawnshops.

Government Hill Barbie

This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans 2 sizes too small,

a classic Metallica t-shirt and a Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. She

has a six-pack of Budweiser and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit

over a distance of 6 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is

drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a Confederate flag

bumper sticker absolutely free. Boyfriend Ken is in treatment. Available

at Army Navy Surplus.

Muldoon Barbie

This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of

high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut

Ken out of Government Hill Barbie's apartment. Her ensemble includes

low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip-gloss, and a

see-through halter top. Comes with Barbie's Dream Double Wide Trailer.

Available at Wal-Mart.

Mountain View Barbie

Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass.

Also included is a GED and a completely filled out PFD form. Gangsta Ken

and his '82 Caddy are optional. Available at Value Village.

Girdwood Barbie

This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long

straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and

Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want or need a Ken doll, but

if you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow

flag sticker. Available at REI.

Downtown Barbie

This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply

adding or removing snap-on parts. Walks to work. Likes to "experiment",

but will never commit. This model is being phased-out and is only

available from the manufacturer.

Which new collection have you launched? If you can share some links or pics it would be great. We can make good deal so please be quick to reply. Thanks