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One-liners: If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life. If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, promptly develops. If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line. If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line. If you think that OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, you're in trouble. If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. If you throw something away, you will need it the next day. If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it. If you understand it, it is obsolete. If you want to be well liked, never lie about yourself, and be careful when telling the truth about others. It works better if you plug it in. If you want to get along, go along. If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor. If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something left out, rather than added. Ignorance is bliss. No wonder I'm so depressed. Illegitimus non Carborundem: "Don't let the scum bags grind you down" In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion. In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so. In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there. In any household, junk accumulates to the the space available for its storage. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong, and an even bigger one to keep his mouth shut when he's right.

I believe this is incorrect. My memory is that there was documentation regarding each mission via the 13th Air Force HQ located at Clark AB, where we went to get mission orders. It certainly was not all "word of mouth" between the flight crews, 13th Air Force, and the supported organization. Moreover, I question even if no documentation existed, it would mean you could openly talk about a subject that was SCI code word classified. More than 40 years later, I have never mentioned a word about this program other than its mere existence (i.e., "E flight"), but I would certainly like to. Maybe someday I will renew my formal inquiry on classification status, which was never answered by the organization to which I sent it.

Has anyone run into any AC-130A crew members from Ubon RTAB in 1969-1970? Col. Louis E. Bartrand

Laws of the Natural Universe: Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. Variation Law: If you change lanes (traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's really ugly. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

For All You Lexophiles (Lovers of Words): 1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). 3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes. 6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. 7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. 11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. 16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 17. Every calendar's days are numbered. 18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine. 19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. 21. A plateau is a high form of flattery. 22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. 27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 29. Acupuncture is a jab well done. 30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

I try to stop by at least once a week. Nice to know there is at least one other person I remember stopping by.

MODERN PROVERBS: a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. c.. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. d.. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. e.. A closed mouth gathers no feet. f.. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. g.. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. h.. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious i.. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. j.. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program. k.. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. l.. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again. m.. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. n.. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. o.. Eat well, stay fit--die anyway. p.. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. q.. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. r.. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. s.. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. t.. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it. u.. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. v.. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. w.. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. x.. Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator. y.. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom. z.. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

I was wondering the same thing. I check everyday!

Where have all the old timers gone? Anybody know? This used to be such an active site.

One-liners: The first time is for love, the next time is $200. The floggings will continue until morale improves. The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. - Eleanor Roosevelt The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn. The hardness of the butter is in inverse proportion to the softness of the bread. The hidden flaw never remains hidden. The idea is to die young as late as possible. The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled. The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting. The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish. The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train. The longer the title the less important the job. The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on. The meek shall inherit the earth, but only after we're done with it. The meek shall inherit the earth, but not it's mineral rights. The moment for calm and rational discussion is past; now is the time for senseless bickering. The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs. The more directives you issue to solve a problem, the worse it gets. The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher probability of its success. The more things change, the more they stay insane. The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing. The more trivial your research, the more people will read it and agree. The more vital your research, the less people will understand it. The most important item in an order will no longer be available. The most interesting results happen only once. The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way. The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from. The number of people watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action. The obscure a bureaucrat may see eventually; the completely apparent takes forever.

Business one-liners: The bigger they are, the harder they hit. The book you spent $25.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow. The business plan you prepare must be a lie; but it must be a detailed and precise lie rather than a vague and general lie. The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere free enterprise, initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh... The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. The chaos in the universe always increases. The chief cause of problems is solutions. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket. The deadline is one week after the original deadline. The deficiency will never show itself during the test run. The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work. The difference between a stepping stone and a stumbling block can be when you see it. The difference between art and science is that if something works in art, you don't have to explain why. The difficulty with a research grant is that if you solve the problem, you're out of a job. The early bird who catches the worm usually works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm. The early worm deserves the bird. The easier it is to do, the harder it is to change. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. The elevator always comes after you have put down your bag. The explanation of a disaster will be made by a stand-in. The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. The farther away the future is, the better it looks. The faster the plane, the narrower the seats. The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the time, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent. The first myth of management is that it exists; the second myth of management is that success equals skill. The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all of the parts.

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. IN PRISON...You get three meals a day. AT WORK....You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior. AT WORK....You get rewarded for good behavior with more work. IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK....You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK....You get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON...You get your own toilet. AT WORK....You have to share. IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK....You cannot even speak to your family and friends. IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK....You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK....They are called supervisors. When I finally left my last place of work, it was just like being released from prison, as I was free to do whatever I wanted to.

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset. "What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked. "I had to slap his face three times!" "You mean he got fresh?" "No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"

A Dog's Life: If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. - Unknown Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies. - Gene Hill In dog years, I'm dead. - Unknown To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. - Aldous Huxley A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. - August Strindberg No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. - Fran Lebowitz Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! - Anne Tyler I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. (Sorry Gail!) - Rita Rudner My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money. - Joe Weinstein If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. - James Thurber You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. - Nora Ephron Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. (Lot of truth here!!) - Robert A. Heinlein In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. - Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories! - Dr. Tom Cat There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. - Edward Abbey Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it. - Unknown Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail. - Unknown No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. - Christopher Morley A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. - Josh Billings Man is a dog's idea of what God should be. - Holbrook Jackson The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andrew A. Rooney He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion. - Unknown If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane. - Smiley Blanton I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts. - John Steinbeck

25 Signs You've Grown Up: Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. You watch the Weather Channel. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again." 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you!!!

THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE: 1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me! 4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing. 11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 13. God must love stupid people; He made so many of them. 14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it! 18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. 19. Procrastinate Now! 20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? 21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance 23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 24.. Be thankful we are not getting all the government we are

Bob's Annual Review: 1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found 2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without 3. wasting company time talking to colleagues.Bob never 4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always 5. finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended 6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee 7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no 8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound 9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be 10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be 11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be 12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be 13. executed as soon as possible. Addendum: That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd lines.

Aging with a Smile: Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first. My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it. I'm getting into swing dancing.. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging. It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker. I think I've reached my sexpiration date. People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life! Provided we get cable or that dish thing. These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief." I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for people my age, but they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty." Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up. Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

I flew all three of the 18 series airplanes at Rhein Main. I operated the cameras on the aircraft. Most people didn't know about the hidden doors and flir ball coming out of the aircraft. Or about the windows in the troop doors that were removable to install blister windows. Lots of interesting stuff... There is a good book out there called "Looking down the corridors"... it was written by Kevin Wright with help from a few of us "Berlin for Lunch Bunch"...... Very informative.

Interesting Quotes: Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. - Groucho Marx If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher In China, when you're one in a million, there are 1,300 other people just like you. - Bill Gates It is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple. - Rabindranath Tagore The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them. - Mark Twain Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you're finished. - Leslie Nielsen Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence. - Eddie Cantor We must take change by the hand or rest assuredly, change will take us by the throat. - Winston Churchill Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. - Lily Tomlin The worst thing that can happen to you can be the best thing for you, if you don't let it get the best of you. - Will Rogers If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you have ever tried. - Ricky Gervais There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all. - Peter Drucker When you're certain you cannot be fooled, you become easy to fool. - Edward Teller History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme. - Mark Twain This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful. - W. C. Fields If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. - Milton Berle It's not the men in my life, it's the life in my men. - Mae West I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. - Clarence Darrow He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - Winston Churchill It isn't pollution that is harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. - Dan Quayle Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco. - Will Rogers Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain You only get a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity so many times. - Pittsburgh Steelers cornerback Ike Taylor There are two kinds of people in the world: those who divide the world into two kinds of people, and those who don't. - Robert Benchley I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. - University of Kentucky Forward Winston Bennett In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not. - Albert Einstein If everybody's thinking the same thing, then nobody's thinking. - George S. Patton I am not young enough to know everything. - Oscar Wilde Always drink upstream from the herd. - Will Rogers I had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx It's time for the human race to enter the solar system. - Dan Quayle Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) He has no enemies, but he is intensely disliked by his friends. - Oscar Wilde I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Actual Newspaper Headlines: Big Rig Carrying Fruit Crashes on 210 Freeway, Creates Jam Kicking Baby Considered to be Healthy Crack Found on Governor's Daughter New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Navy Changes Skirt Policy, Making Apparel Optional Stolen Painting Found by Tree Dead Officer on Force for 18 Years Headless Body Found in Topless Bar State Dinner Featured Cat, American Food All Utah Condemned to Face Firing Squad Robber Holds Up Albert's Hosiery Chinese Apeman Dated Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter Woman Kicked by her Husband said to be Greatly Improved Former Man Dies in California MacArthur Flies Back to Front Shut-Ins Can Grow Indoors with Lights Deer Kill 17,000 Court to Try Shooting Defendant Lucky Man Sees Pals Die Passengers Hit by Cancelled Trains New Vaccine To Contain Rabies Lucky Victim Stabbed Three Times London Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge President of Company Says, "Stud Tires Out" Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire Bridge Held Up By Red Tape Man, Minus Ear, Waives Hearing Man is Fatally Slain

On my C130-30H, Whenever the heading and coupled button is selected on the autopilot controller the computer flag display on the ADI and also on the annouciatior panel light illuminates. We've exhausted all the steps the maintenance manual stated and yet rectification was not successful. We've been on this rectification process for some days now. Any solution from this forum will be highly appreciated. Thanks

REMEMBER: A boiled egg is hard to beat. A calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. He had a photographic memory, which was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead the dough basis. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses

Confucius Say... Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper. Those who throw dirt are sure to lose ground. One dog barks at something, the rest bark at him. Man who streaks is unsuited for his work. Girl who does everything under the sun gets everything sunburned. Man who places head in sand will get kicked in the end. Man who gets too big for his britches may get exposed in the end. Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants. Man with one chopstick go hungry. Man who scratches rear should not bite fingernails. Man who sinks into woman's arms soon will find arms in woman's sink. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. Hourglasses are waste of time. Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ. War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left. Girl who go camping must beware of evil intent. If you want pretty nurse, you must be patient. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse. Man who drive like hell bound to get there. Modern house without toilet uncanny. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement. Man who jump off cliff jump to conclusion.