Sonny

Today I was in a shoe store that sells only shoes, nothing else. A young girl with a tattoo and green hair walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today? I looked at her and said, "I'm interested in buying a refrigerator." She didn't quite know how to respond, had that deer in the headlights look. I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it. When people see a cat's litter box they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" I just say, "No, it's for company!" Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "An ambulance." The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Have you ever noticed: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he knows when he's really in trouble. Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs?" Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up, sags or leaks. Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable. Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). 3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes. 6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. 7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. 11. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. 12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. 13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 14. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. 15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. 16. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. 17. Every calendar's days are numbered. 18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine. 19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. 20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed. 21. A plateau is a high form of flattery. 22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. 24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. 25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. 26. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. 27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis. 28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. 29. Acupuncture is a jab well done. 30. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

A very elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid nineties, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of a good after shave. He presents a very well looked after image. Seated at the bar is an elderly really classy looking lady, (mid eighties). The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a Manhattan. He takes a sip. He slowly turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

Ten Best Caddy Responses: Number : 10 Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?" Number : 9 Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course." Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth." Number : 8 Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?" Caddy: "Yes . . . You miss the ball much closer now." Number : 7 Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?" Caddy: "Eventually." Number : 6 Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world." Caddy: "I don't think so . . .That would be too much of a coincidence." Number : 5 Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction." Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass." Number : 4 Golfer: "How do you like my game?" Caddy: "It's very good - personally, I prefer golf." Number : 3 Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday? Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day." >Number : 2 >Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on." Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago." And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment: Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old." Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Business one-liners: Everybody should believe in something, I believe I'll have another beer. Everybody's gotta be someplace. Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime. Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work. Everyone has a scheme that will not work. Everyone hits a brick wall now and then; the trick is not to do it with your head. Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean. Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between. Everything in moderation, including moderation. Everything is actually everything else, just recycled. Everything is always done for the wrong reasons. Everything put together sooner or later falls apart. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. Everything takes longer than you think. Everything tastes more or less like chicken. Everything worthwhile is mandatory, prohibited, or taxed. Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out. Excellence can be attained if you care more than others think is wise, risk more than others think is safe, dream more than others think is practical, expect more than others think is possible. Exceptions always outnumber rules.

As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse. As they say in Beirut, Shiite happens. Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes. Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups. At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable. Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself. Bad news drives good news out of the media. Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upward from the floor. Be content with what you've got, but be sure you've got plenty. Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone. Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it. Being a good communicator means people find out what is really wrong with you. Believing is seeing. Better latent than never. Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie. Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil. Beware of those wearing suspenders with belts.

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess." So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."

Bricks: Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send 2 or 3 potential job candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation. If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the accounts department. If they are recounting them. Put them in auditing. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them in engineering. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in planning. If they are throwing the bricks at each other. Put them in operations. If they are sleeping. Put them in security. If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in information technology. If they are sitting idle. Put them in human resources. If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved. Put them in sales. If they have already left for the day. Put them in marketing. If they are staring out of the window. Put them on strategic planning. And then last but not least. If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Executive Management.

Last December, Mark's grandmother was giving him directions to her apartment. "You come to the front door of the apartment complex. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T." She continued, "I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy," replied the grandson, "but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"? To which she answered... "You're coming empty handed?"

Life Across The USA: You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel. 3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl. 4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face. 5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top. 6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads. 7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never find a town. 8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food. 9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!! 10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door. You Live in California when.. 1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house. 2 The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone. 3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. 4. You know how to eat an artichoke. 5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party. 6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is. You Live in New York City when... 1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan. 2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building. 3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. 4. You think Central Park is "nature." 5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. 6. You've worn out a car horn. 7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression. You Live in Maine when... 1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco. 2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas. 3. You have more than one recipe for moose. 4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons. 5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction. You Live in the Deep South when... 1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store. 2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural. 3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?" 4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense. 5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean,etc. You live in Colorado when... 1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. 2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center. 3. A pass does not involve a football or dating. 4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail. You live in the Midwest when... 1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. 2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. 3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day. 4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?" 5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!" You live in Florida when... 1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon. 2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars. 3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist. 4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state. 5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people

An entire new strain of viruses has just been uncovered and we wanted to get this information to you as soon as possible. Please share this with others immediately!! Monica Lewinsky virus........Sucks all the memory out of your computer. Lorena Bobbit virus..........Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy. Ellen Degeneres virus........Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC. Titanic virus................Makes your whole computer go down. Disney virus.................Everything in the computer goes Goofy. Mike Tyson virus.............Quits after one byte. Prozac virus.......Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care. Joey Buttafuoco virus........Only attacks minor files. Spice Girl virus.............Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop. Dr. Kevorkian virus.....Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them. Oprah Winfrey virus........Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus........Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS- Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer. PAUL REVERE VIRUS- This revolutionary virus doesn't horse around. It warns you of impending disk attack, once if by LAN, twice if by C. AT&T VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you what great service you are getting. MCI VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T virus. GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS- Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS- Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. AIRLINE VIRUS- You're in Chicago but your data is in Singapore. STAR TREK VIRUS- Invades your system and boldly goes where no virus has gone before TED TURNER VIRUS- Colorizes your monochrome monitor. PBS VIRUS-Your PC stops what it is doing every few minutes to ask for money.

One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?" Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!"

GOLF: In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf. Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles. The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often. There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly -- or start cheating. An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice - once before swinging, and once again, after swinging. Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh. Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind. There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies. Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.