Sonny

Happy Birthday, Ken!!

Definitions: Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney buh-lo'-nee: Where some hemlines fall. Bernadette burn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage. Burglarize bur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with. Control kon-trol': A short, ugly inmate. Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. Eclipse i-klips': what an English barber does for a living. Eyedropper i'-drop-ur: a clumsy ophthalmologist. Heroes hee'-rhos: what a guy in a boat does. Left Bank left' bangk': what the robber did when his bag was full of loot. Misty mis'-tee: How golfers create divots. Paradox par'-u-doks: two physicians. Parasites par'-uh-sites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower. Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist: a helper on the farm. Polarize po'-lur-ize: what penguins in Antarctica see with. Primate pri'-mat: removing your spouse from in front of the TV. Relief ree-leef': what trees do in the spring. Rubberneck rub'-er-nek: what you do to relax your wife. Seamstress seem'-stres: describes 200 pounds in a size two. Selfish sel'-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does. Subdued sub-dood': a guy, that works on one of those submarines. Sudafed sood'-a-fed: bringing litigation against a government official

Medicare - Part G - Nursing Home Plan: Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do? You opt for Medicare Part G. The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun ( Part G ) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered! As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now! And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it. And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes! Is this a great country or what? Now that you have solved your senior financial plan, enjoy the rest of your week! NOTE: This is a joke!! I am not inciting anyone to actually shoot a politician. It's a shame I feel I have to post this disclaimer!!

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator is tragically hit by a car and killed. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the Senator. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that, before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven, where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven for a day." So, the Senator joins a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns "Well then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders. "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?" The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning to get your vote...Today, you voted."

For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations in 2025: 1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace. 2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker. 3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood. 4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa. 5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP. 6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: FairwellHoneychild. 7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants. 8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

The following headlines were actually printed in newspapers. The irony in some of these are absolutely astonishing, hilariously funny (though sometimes awkward). Check them out: - Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One - Miners Refuse to Work after Death - Include Your Children when Baking Cookies - Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide - Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead - Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says - Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers - Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted - Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case - Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents - Iraqi Head Seeks Arms - Prostitutes Appeal to Pope - Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over - British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands - Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms - Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe - Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told - Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant - War Dims Hope for Peace - Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures - Deer Kill 17,000 - Stolen Painting Found by Tree - Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy - Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire - Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood - Local High School Drop-outs Cut in Half - New Vaccine May Contain Rabies - Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors - Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter - Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years - Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges - Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge - New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group - Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft - Kids Make Nutritious Snacks - Eye Drops Off Shelf - Teachers Strike Idle Kids - Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead - Princess Diana Was Alive Hours Before She Died

Some of Life's Reflections: Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain. I'm in shape. Round is a shape. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window? Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac? You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every second one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?' 'No, silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, & then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000..00 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' 'So then?' 'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.

Puns, For the Educated Mind 1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. 6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 10.. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.' 14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me. 15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.' 16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.' 17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it. 19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 21. A backward poet writes inverse. 22. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes. 23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

A fourth grade class was doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before'. He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R." The teacher says, "No that’s wrong, can anyone else spell 'before'?" Suzie stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R." Again the teacher says, "No that’s wrong," The teacher asks, "John, can you spell 'before'?" John stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E." The teacher says, "Excellent John. Now, can you use it in a sentence?" John says, "Yes ma'am. Two plus two be fore."

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and to send you kids to a great university!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?" The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?" The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?" The boy replied: "Yes. 'Potentially,' you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but 'realistically,' we're living with two hookers and a future congressman or Governor."

A week after their marriage, the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor... "I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said the husband. "My testicles are turning blue." "That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you." The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the Redneck's testicles are blue. The doctor turns to the wife. "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?" "Yes, I am," she replied. "And what kind of jelly are you using with it?" "Grape"

WHY MEN AREN'T SECRETARIES: Husband's note on refrigerator for wife: Someone from the Gyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer is normal. " I didn't know you liked beer "