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Sonny

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Everything posted by Sonny

  1. England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore. I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. I got some batteries that were given out free of charge. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. A will is a dead giveaway. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered. He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed. When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. When chemists die, they barium. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me. I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
  2. Happy Birthday, Tinwhistle
  3. Sonny

    Jobs

    I’m not having much luck with jobs lately: I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory. I wasn’t suited to be a tailor. The muffler factory was just exhausting. I couldn’t cut it as barber. I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor. I didn’t fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it. The paper shop folded. Pool maintenance was too draining. I got fired from the cannon factory. And I just couldn’t see any future as a historian.
  4. Sonny

    Dad Jokes

    Dad Jokes: I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea. Without geometry life is pointless. A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here?” I gave all my dead batteries away today… Free of charge. I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. I am terrified of elevators. I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them. Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed. A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean. Apparently, the survivors are marooned. Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV. Q: What did daddy spider say to baby spider? A: You spend too much time on the web. How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram. What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra. Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah. Just watched a documentary about beavers… It was the best damn program I’ve ever seen. Breaking news! Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery “How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.” A Sandwich walks into a bar, the bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve food here” I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already. There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Slept like a log last night … woke up in the fireplace. What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese. A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other one off. I’m reading a book on the history of glue – can’t put it down. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
  5. What's the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78? At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed. At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story. At 78 - You can get out of bed, that's another story.
  6. Jennie was sitting at the defendant's table while the state trooper was being cross-examined on the witness stand. The lawyer asked, 'When you stopped the defendant, Jennie, were your red and blue lights flashing?' 'Yes, sir, they were.' 'Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?' 'Yes, sir, she did.' 'And,' looking at Jennie, 'what was it the defendant said?' 'She said, "What disco am I at?''
  7. The name is very familiar. Sorry to hear of his passing. I also have the hat you sent to me on display with all my other hats, including my beret.
  8. THE ARROGANCE OF OLD AGE (Thanks, Mel!!) Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the liquor store. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home. I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts, and a light top which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window. With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, "I’m a big believer in barter, old fellow. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer you got?"
  9. A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size." The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.
  10. Sonny

    Ponderings

    Ponderings: The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray! A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs? When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder Why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? Why Isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
  11. Think About It: I had amnesia once - or twice. Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them. Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a motorway. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. What if there were no hypothetical questions? One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people. When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail. A flashlight is a carrying case for dead batteries. What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. How can there be self-help "groups"? Is there another word for synonym? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? Is it possible to be totally partial? Is Marx's tomb a communist plot? If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off. It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one. Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
  12. Make that 366 days this year:
  13. Sonny

    Bars

    I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot. It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no wife to go home to... or they do.
  14. Definitions Male/Female: 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. a. female...Any part under a car's hood. b. male...The strap fastener on a woman's bra. 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. a. female...Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. b. male...Playing any sport without a "cup." 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. a. female...The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. b. male...Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys. 4. BUTT (but) n. a. female...The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger." b. male...What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, home run, or goal. Also good for mooning. 5. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n a. female...A desire to get married and raise a family. b. male...Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend. 6. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. a. female...A good movie, concert, play or book. b. male...Anything that can be done while drinking. 7. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. a. female...An embarrassing by-product of digestion. b. male...An endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding. 8. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. a. female...The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. b. male...Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed. 9. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. a. female...A device for changing from one TV channel to another. b. male...A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 2 1/2 minutes. 10. FOOTBALL (fut-bol) n. a. female...An annoying 6 month long competition for a partner's attention. b. male...6 months off from spending time with what's her name.
  15. A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut." The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair." Fathers reply: Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?
  16. Cap, I Have not read that book yet. Apology accepted. I have been called a lot worse. Sonny
  17. Totally inappropriate for this forum.

  18. Sonny

    Viagra

    An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist to fill his prescription for Viagra. "How many do you want?" asked the pharmacist. The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces." Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex." The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out enough so I don't pee on my shoes."
  19. It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked. "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant. "That's no offense," replied the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?" "Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
  20. One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 50 minutes late: “It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two.” The boss eyed him suspiciously, “Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?” “I finally gave up,” he said, “and started for home.”
  21. I hope you all had a Happy Thanksgiving!!
  22. Ken, Let me know the cost. I would be willing to pay part/all of the cost. Sonny
  23. If you are from D.C. you'll understand these rules. If you are coming here, you'll learn these rules. If you are just going to visit, give up. Read, enjoy and then destroy them. 1) First, you must learn to call it by its rightful name. It is D.C., or "the District". Only tourists call it Washington. 2) Next, if your road map of Montgomery County in Maryland is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. It's obsolete. If in Loudoun or Fairfax County, Virginia and your map is one day old, it's already obsolete. 3) There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in D.C. It's just another chase, usually on the BW (Baltimore-Washington) Parkway. 4) All directions start with "The Beltway"...whic­h has no beginning and no end, just one continuous loop that locals believe is somehow clarified by an "inner" and 'outer loop' designation. This makes no sense to ANYONE outside the Beltway. 5) The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11 AM. The evening rush hour is from 1 to 8 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning, especially during the summer on Route 50 eastbound. 6) If there is a ball game at the FedEx Field, there is no point in driving anywhere near PG County. 7) Tip: Never say PG County to anyone from Mitchellville, Upper Marlboro or Fort Washington. They'll blow a vessel in their neck and go into a seizure. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended and shot at. If you run the red light, be sure to smile for the $100 picture you will receive courtesy of DMV. (However, if you don't go as soon as the light turns green, you will get cussed out in 382 languages, none of them English.) 9) Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers. Snow causes an immediate 100 point drop in IQ and a rush to the Giant for toilet paper and milk. 10) Construction on I-270 is a way of life and a permanent source of scorn and cynical entertainment. It's ironic that it's called an "Interstate" but runs only from Bethesda to Frederick. (Unless you consider Montgomery County another state, which some do). Opening in the '60s, it has been torn up and under reconstruction ever since. Also, it has a "Spur" section which is even more confusing. 11) All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Takoma Park or Greenbelt". 12) If someone actually has their turn signal on, they are by definition, a tourist. Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators. Heed the warning. 13) All old ladies in Buicks have the right of way in the area of Leisure World. 14) Many roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections. Don't ask why no one knows. 15) CENSORED 16) If you stop to ask directions in Southeast D.C... well, just don't. 17) A taxi ride across town will cost you $12.50. A taxi ride two blocks will cost you $16.75. (It's a zone thing, you wouldn't understand) (Oh, and if you are in DC and want to go to MD, don't tell them until you get in the car...they won't take you otherwise) 18) Traveling south out of DC on Interstate 395/95 is the most dangerous, scariest thing you will ever do and when you hit it, you will wonder why the section of this road called "the Mixing Bowl" is so named. After all, there is no mixing there, heck, there is no movement at all. 19) There is nothing more comforting than seven lanes of traffic cruising along at 85 mph, BUMPER TO BUMPER!!! 20) The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy. 21) The Beltway is our daily version of a NASCAR reality show. Strap up and collect points as you go. 22) The open lane for passing on all Maryland interstates is the far right lane because no self-respecting­ Marylander would ever be caught driving in the "slow" lane. Unofficially, both shoulders are fair game also. 23) The far left lanes on all Maryland interstates are official "chat" lanes reserved for drivers who wish to talk on their cell phones. Note: All mini-vans have priority clearance to use the far left at whatever speed the driver feels most comfortable multi-tasking in. 24) If it's 10 degrees, it's Orioles' opening day. If it's 110 degrees, it's the Skins opening day. 25) If the humidity is 90+ and the temperature is 90+, then it's May, June, July, August and sometimes September
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