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Sonny

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Everything posted by Sonny

  1. An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his rear end was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 Please advise.' The old woman faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.
  2. A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?" "I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?" "Oh.. Half a pack a day." "Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees. The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?" "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while." "Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions." The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor asks, "How do you eat?" "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff." "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese." The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?" "Do you want to live long?" "Yes." "Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet." The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?" "Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly. "As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None." The man is appalled. "Doc...Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?" "I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you it is going to seem like an eternity!"
  3. Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. 'Miss Beatrice', he said,'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' Pointing to the bowl. 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'
  4. Life Across The USA: You live in Arizona when.. 1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade. 2. You can open and drive your car without touching the car door or the steering wheel. 3. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl. 4. You would give anything to be able to splash cold water on your face. 5. You can attend any function wearing shorts and a tank top. 6. "Dress Code" is meaningless at high schools and universities. Picture lingerie ads. 7. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never find atown. 8. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food. 9. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!! 10. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door. You Live in California when.. 1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house. 2 The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone. 3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. 4. You know how to eat an artichoke. 5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party. 6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is. You Live in New York City when... 1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan. 2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building. 3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. 4. You think Central Park is "nature." 5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. 6. You've worn out a car horn. 7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression. You Live in Maine when... 1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco. 2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas. 3. You have more than one recipe for moose. 4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons. 5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction. You Live in the Deep South when... 1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store. 2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural. 3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?" 4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense. 5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean,etc. You live in Colorado when... 1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. 2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center. 3. A pass does not involve a football or dating. 4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail. You live in the Midwest when... 1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. 2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor. 3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day. 4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?" 5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!" You live in Florida when... 1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon. 2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars. 3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist. 4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state. 5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people
  5. Virus Alert!!! An entire new strain of viruses has just been uncovered and we wanted to get this information to you as soon as possible. Please share this with others immediately!! Monica Lewinsky virus........Sucks all the memory out of your computer. Lorena Bobbit virus..........Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy. Ellen Degeneres virus........Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC. Titanic virus................Makes your whole computer go down. Disney virus.................Everything in the computer goes Goofy. Mike Tyson virus.............Quits after one byte. Prozac virus.......Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care. Joey Buttafuoco virus........Only attacks minor files. Spice Girl virus.............Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop. Dr. Kevorkian virus.....Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them. Oprah Winfrey virus........Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus........Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS- Divides your hard drive into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer. PAUL REVERE VIRUS- This revolutionary virus doesn't horse around. It warns you of impending disk attack, once if by LAN, twice if by C. AT&T VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you what great service you are getting. MCI VIRUS- Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T virus. GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS- Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS- Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. AIRLINE VIRUS- You're in Chicago but your data is in Singapore. STAR TREK VIRUS- Invades your system and boldly goes where no virus has gone before TED TURNER VIRUS- Colorizes your monochrome monitor. PBS VIRUS-Your PC stops what it is doing every few minutes to ask for money.
  6. Don't recognize that from any of the early A's. I remember them being located on the ramp near the troop doors.
  7. REAL HEADLINES: Man Struck by Lightning faces Battery Charge Astronaut takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids make Nutritious Snacks Chef Throws his Heart into Helping Feed Needy Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire British Union finds Dwarfs in Short Supply Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half New Vaccine may Contain Rabies Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing Steals Clock, Faces Time Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction Include your Children when Baking Cookies Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
  8. A collection of some of the best "Out Of Office" automatic responses: 1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood. 2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all. 3. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management. 4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. 5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message. 6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over). 7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks. 8. Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response. 9. Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages. 10. I've run away to join a different circus. AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE: 11. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'
  9. Sonny

    UP

    There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP." It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets the earth and ! often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so........... Time to shut UP.....! Oh...one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning & the last thing you do at night? U-P
  10. GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED: 1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats. 2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair. 3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person. 4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato. 5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food. 6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair. 7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time. 8 )You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts. 10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap. GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED: 1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree. 2) Wrinkles don't hurt. 3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts. 4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground. 5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside. 6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
  11. Funny Signs: A funny sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar." In a Zurich hotel: "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose." In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: "Drop your trousers here for best results." In an Acapulco hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here." Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs." In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: "Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages." In a Rome laundry: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions." A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: "It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose." Note at the bottom of the menu of a German restaurant: "After the main course we suggest that you sample the tart of the house" In a Paris hotel elevator: "Please leave your values at the front desk." In a Japanese hotel: "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." In a Leipzig elevator: "Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up." In the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases." In a Bucharest hotel lobby: "The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable." In a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run." On the door of a Moscow hotel room: "If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it." In an East African newspaper: "A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers." In a Tokyo bar: "Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts." In a London department store: "Bargain Basement Upstairs" In a Yugoslavian hotel: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid." In a hotel in Athens: "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily." In a Hong Kong supermarket: "For your convenience, we recommend courageous, efficient self-service." In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday. At a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: "Would you like to ride on your own ass?"
  12. Sonny

    Murphy

    Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business
  13. Martha Stewart's Way Vs. My Way: Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for pete's sake, you are probably laying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway. You know we don't have anything better to do. Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time. My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag. Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes. My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year. Martha's way #4: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling. My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway? Martha's way #5: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing. My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs. Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet,simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop. My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking. Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains. My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers. Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake. My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you. Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up" My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too darn bad. My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes. Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks. My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff. Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish. My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I just won't do it. Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it. My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"? Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness. My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can. Martha's way #14: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away. My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh. Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away. My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind. Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces. My way: Who has left over wine? Never happens in this house. Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy. My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it. Martha's way #18: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water. My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink. Martha's way #19: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer. Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China. Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets. Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes. Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary). My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.
  14. Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language? Let's face it English is a stupid language. There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England French fries were not invented in France. We sometimes take English for granted But if we examine its paradoxes we find that Quicksand takes you down slowly Boxing rings are square And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If writers write, how come fingers don't fing. If the plural of tooth is teeth Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth If the teacher taught, Why didn't the preacher praught. If a vegetarian eats vegetables What the heck does a humanitarian eat!? Why do people recite at a play Yet play at a recital? Park on driveways and Drive on parkways You have to marvel at the unique lunacy Of a language where a house can burn up as It burns down And in which you fill in a form By filling it out And a bell is only heard once it goes! English was invented by people, not computers And it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which of course isn't a race at all) That is why: When the stars are out they are visible But when the lights are out they are invisible And why it is that when I wind up my watch It starts But when I wind up this observation, It ends.
  15. Good questions:
  16. The Balls of Sports: 1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL. 2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING. 3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL. 4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL. 5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. 6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF. AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
  17. Getting The Story Straight: When a man in Macon, Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands. A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal." The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon. "Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, "Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog." "Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut." "In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, "Yankee Kills Family Pet."
  18. A frustrated housewife bought a new pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to arouse her husband... and spice up their dead sex life. After cooking his favorite meal for dinner one evening... she had put them on under a revealing short skirt... and relaxed with a glass of wine on the sofa directly across from where her husband was sitting in his chair. After several more glasses of wine... and at what she thought was the appropriate moment... she uncrossed her legs just wide enough so that her husband could catch a revealing view. It wasn’t long before his eyes focused on the prize... and he asked... “Are you wearing crotchless panties?” “Y -e-s”... she answered coyly with a seductive smile.” “Thank God!” ... he said... “I thought you were sitting on the cat.”
  19. Rita Rudner's Facts About Men: Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald". Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo." Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. When four or more women get together, they talk about men. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?" If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget, he didn't lose your number, he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
  20. A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?' The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.' Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked. 'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man. Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan. Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man, in an even tone. 'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan. Yep,' was the calm reply. 'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan. 'Nope,' said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?' The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'
  21. Please copy and paste this to your status if you're constantly being asked to copy and paste things to your status by friends who copy and paste things to their status. Many people won't copy and paste this, but my true sarcastic friends will copy and paste it because they know this was copied and pasted from a dear friend in need of more stuff to copy and paste; and if you don't copy and paste it, then this means you hate Jesus, kittens, and puppies, and bacon. And if you hate bacon, the terrorists win.
  22. DILBERT'S WORDS OF WISDOM: 1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either. 2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. 3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? 4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode. 5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. 6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. 7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it. 8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue. 9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again. 10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem. 11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!" 12. My Reality Check bounced. 13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key. 14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. 15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter. 16. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
  23. Types of computer viruses: Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does. Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years. Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer. Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network. Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee.. David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white. Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer. Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard. Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error). Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine. Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number. Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog! Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run. Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car. New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it. Nike virus: Just Does It! Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder. Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB. Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen. Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:. Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus." PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money. Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism". Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback. Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives. Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits. Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened. Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor. Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message. Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file. Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years
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