IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. IN PRISON...You get three meals a day. AT WORK....You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior. AT WORK....You get rewarded for good behavior with more work. IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK....You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK....You get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON...You get your own toilet. AT WORK....You have to share. IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK....You cannot even speak to your family and friends. IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK....You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK....They are called supervisors. When I finally left my last place of work, it was just like being released from prison, as I was free to do whatever I wanted to.

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset. "What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked. "I had to slap his face three times!" "You mean he got fresh?" "No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"

A Dog's Life: If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. - Unknown Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies. - Gene Hill In dog years, I'm dead. - Unknown To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs. - Aldous Huxley A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. - August Strindberg No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. - Fran Lebowitz Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! - Anne Tyler I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. (Sorry Gail!) - Rita Rudner My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money. - Joe Weinstein If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. - James Thurber You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets. - Nora Ephron Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. (Lot of truth here!!) - Robert A. Heinlein In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. - Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories! - Dr. Tom Cat There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. - Edward Abbey Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it. - Unknown Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail. - Unknown No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. - Christopher Morley A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. - Josh Billings Man is a dog's idea of what God should be. - Holbrook Jackson The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andrew A. Rooney He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion. - Unknown If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane. - Smiley Blanton I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts. - John Steinbeck

25 Signs You've Grown Up: Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. You watch the Weather Channel. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again." 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you!!!

THIRTY LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE: 1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me! 4. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 6. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 7. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 10. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing. 11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine. 13. God must love stupid people; He made so many of them. 14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. 15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. 16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? 17. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it! 18. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. 19. Procrastinate Now! 20. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That? 21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance 23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! 24.. Be thankful we are not getting all the government we are