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GREAT REASONS TO BE A GUY: Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $15 for a three-pack. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me." Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. Wedding dress - $3,000. Tuxedo rental - 100 bucks. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?" You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

Interesting Quotes: Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. - Groucho Marx If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher In China, when you're one in a million, there are 1,300 other people just like you. - Bill Gates It is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple. - Rabindranath Tagore The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them. - Mark Twain Doing nothing is very hard to do. You never know when you're finished. - Leslie Nielsen Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence. - Eddie Cantor Gray hair is God's graffiti. - Bill Cosby We must take change by the hand or rest assuredly, change will take us by the throat. - Winston Churchill Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. - Lily Tomlin You can always count on the United States to do the right thing, once it has exhausted the alternatives. - Winston Churchill The worst thing that can happen to you can be the best thing for you, if you don't let it get the best of you. - Will Rogers If at first you don't succeed, remove all evidence you have ever tried. - Ricky Gervais There is nothing so useless as doing efficiently that which should not be done at all. - Peter Drucker When you're certain you cannot be fooled, you become easy to fool. - Edward Teller History doesn't repeat itself, but it does rhyme. - Mark Twain This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful. - W. C. Fields If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door. - Milton Berle It's not the men in my life, it's the life in my men. - Mae West I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. - Clarence Darrow He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. - Winston Churchill It isn't pollution that is harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. - Dan Quayle Never slap a man who is chewing tobacco. - Will Rogers Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain You only get a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity so many times. - Pittsburgh Steelers cornerback Ike Taylor There are two kinds of people in the world: those who divide the world into two kinds of people, and those who don't. - Robert Benchley I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. - University of Kentucky Forward Winston Bennett In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not. - Albert Einstein If everybody's thinking the same thing, then nobody's thinking. - George S. Patton I am not young enough to know everything. - Oscar Wilde Always drink upstream from the herd. - Will Rogers I had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx It's time for the human race to enter the solar system. - Dan Quayle Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.' - Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter) He has no enemies, but he is intensely disliked by his friends. - Oscar Wilde I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Actual Newspaper Headlines: Big Rig Carrying Fruit Crashes on 210 Freeway, Creates Jam Kicking Baby Considered to be Healthy Crack Found on Governor's Daughter New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Navy Changes Skirt Policy, Making Apparel Optional Stolen Painting Found by Tree Dead Officer on Force for 18 Years Headless Body Found in Topless Bar State Dinner Featured Cat, American Food All Utah Condemned to Face Firing Squad Robber Holds Up Albert's Hosiery Chinese Apeman Dated Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter Woman Kicked by her Husband said to be Greatly Improved Former Man Dies in California MacArthur Flies Back to Front Shut-Ins Can Grow Indoors with Lights Deer Kill 17,000 Court to Try Shooting Defendant Lucky Man Sees Pals Die Passengers Hit by Cancelled Trains New Vaccine To Contain Rabies Lucky Victim Stabbed Three Times London Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge President of Company Says, "Stud Tires Out" Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire Bridge Held Up By Red Tape Man, Minus Ear, Waives Hearing Man is Fatally Slain