Sonny's Funnies
2,915 topics in this forum
-
Last reply by Sonny, -
-
'My Plane"
by Sonny- 0 replies
- 1.5k views
'My Plane" During a readiness exercise, two Air Force security policemen were guarding entry to a bunker-like structure where aircraft were kept. When a pilot about to do a preflight check approached without his identification in plain view, one of the Air Force security policemen asked him for it. "I don't see why I have to show you my ID," the pilot snapped. "After all, it is my plane." "Sir, with all due respect, it may be your plane," replied the Air Force security man, "but it's sitting in my garage!"
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 2 replies
- 1.6k views
"BALLS TO THE WALL" IS A TERM THAT PILOTS USE THAT HAS ORIGINS FROM THE EARLIER DAYS OF FLIGHT, WHEN THE THROTTLE, PROP CONTROL, AND MIXTURE HAD KNOBS THAT MADE IT EASIER FOR THE PILOT TO GRIP ...FULL FORWARD TO THE INSTRUMENT PANEL ..."BALLS TO THE WALL." St Louis Approach control... St. Louis Approach to United: "United 123 best forward speed to the outer marker, you are Number 1." United 123 (male voice): “Roger, balls to the wall." St. Louis Approach to American: "American 4321, you're Number 2 behind a United 737, follow him, cleared visual, at best forward speed." American 4321 (female voice): "Well I can't do balls to the wall, but I ca…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 770 views
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?” “No,” said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?” “Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight,…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 601 views
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 645 views
"Old" is when... ...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!" ...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. ...a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car. ...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick. ...going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. ...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. ...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. ...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. ..."getting a little action" means I do…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 607 views
"Old" is when... ...your sweetie says, "Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!" ...your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. ...a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car. ...you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick. ...going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. ...you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. ...when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. ...when you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. ..."getting a little ac…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 353 views
A collection of some of the best "Out Of Office" automatic responses: 1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood. 2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all. 3. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management. 4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation …
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 96 views
A collection of some of the best "Out Of Office" automatic responses: 1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood. 2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all. 3. Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management. 4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received. 5. Thank…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 254 views
The day finally arrived. Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter said, "Well, Forest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven." Forest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too h…
Last reply by Sonny, -
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't. 2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. 3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. 4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. 5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. 6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me 7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. 9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing. 10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. 11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck- is-the-room- spinning medicine. 12…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 622 views
A Hollywood producer received a story entitled, "The Optimist." He called his staff together and said: "Gentlemen, this title must be changed to something simpler. We're intelligent and know what an optimist is, but how many of those morons who'll see the picture will know he's an eye-doctor?
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 677 views
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the o…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 144 views
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane." The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to conti…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 1.6k views
A C-141-A Starlifter had been delayed for take-off for over an hour at Thule Air Force Base, Greenland, because a sewage repository had not been pumped out. Finally a young airman wanders up to the aircraft with the appropriate equipment. The airman fiddles around for a while, does his thing, and then gets ready to leave. The aircraft commander, a young captain, confronts the airman. "You've caused me to be two hours late for my take-off. I'll see that you are not only reprimanded, but punished as well! " At that the young airman, smiles. "Sir, with all due respect, I have no stripes, I'm stationed at Thule, Greenland, it's 20 degrees below zero, and I'm pumpi…
Last reply by fltsload, -
- 0 replies
- 777 views
With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, “Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?” “No,” said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill. He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly. She then asked him, “Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?” “Uh… no, I haven’t,” he said, with an anxious tone in his voice. She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt,…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 1.1k views
You say you were paid $25 to vote Republican and also got $25 to vote Democrat?†inquired the judge. The defendant, one of the principals in an inquiry into alleged election bribery, replied, “Yes, your honor.†“And for whom did you finally vote?†continued the judge. The defendant exploded with indignation. “Your honor,†he answered, I voted according to my conscience! * * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
A man appeared in a newspaper office to place an ad offering $500 for the return of his wife’s cat. “That’s an awfully high price for a cat.†The clerk suggested. “Not for this one,†said the man, “I drowned it.†* * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
- 0 replies
- 654 views
When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER." I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 1.2k views
10 Office Rules: 10. Never walk without a document -- People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do. 9. Use computers to look busy -- Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. Thes…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 602 views
PARAPROSDOKIAN is a derivative of a Greek word, which means "beyond expectation." It's a wordplay type of literary device, where the final part of a phrase or sentence is unexpected.
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 590 views
10 Parenting Laws 1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning. 2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty. 3. Toys multiply to fill any space available. 4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it. 5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave. 6. If the shoe fits...it's expensive. 7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it. 8. The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet. 9. Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom. 10. The more challenging the child, the more r…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 139 views
10 Parenting Laws: 1. The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning. 2. For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty. 3. Toys multiply to fill any space available. 4. The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it. 5. Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave. 6. If the shoe fits...it's expensive. 7. The surest way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it. …
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 1.8k views
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin biddies. One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa. The deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other. "Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE". So, they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a littl…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 703 views
15 Cerebral Witticisms Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Reading while sunbathing makes you well red. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give-away.) In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. The m…
Last reply by Sonny,
