Sonny's Funnies
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Love the first one!!!...and I will not visit Monroe. Utah Crazy Laws: It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon. You can have them, but you just can't detonate them. Birds have the right of way on all highways. It's legal for restaurants to serve wine with meals, but only if you ask for the wine list. It is against the law to fish from horseback. When a person reaches the age of 50, he/she can then marry their cousin. A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence. You're not allowed to sell beverages containing more than 3.2% alcohol. It is illegal not to drink milk. …
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Business one-liners 63 & 64: If at first you don't succeed, give up. No use being a stupid fool. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not your sport. If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset. If at first you don't succeed, try something else. If at first you don't succeed, well...darn. If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway. If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either. If at first you don't succeed, you're do…
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Best friends graduating from medical school at the same time decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it. The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics - no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives -thumbs down again. Then came Minds and …
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Some More Ponderings: Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray! A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. …
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Business one-liners 27-28-29: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. Other people's tools work only in other people's gardens. Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails. Our present business is not to exchange compliments but arguments. - Robert Boyle, 17th century chemist People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened. People do not change, they only become more so. People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. Peopl…
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Business one-liners 78 & 79: It is incredible how much intelligence is used in this world to prove nonsense. It is later than you think. It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. It is not enough to tell me you worked hard to get your gold. The devil works hard too. It is not how someone measures up. It is how they measure you. It is not sufficient to be a success; it is also necessary for your friends to be failures. It is not true that life is one thing after another, it's one stupid thing over and over. It is okay to be ignorant in some areas, but some pe…
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Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. "Grandpa pay the man."
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A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list. "Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar." "Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?" "Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
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Free Advice
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A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replies the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.
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One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted , 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' his wife replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, ' GO BUCKEYES!' And they say blondes are dumb....
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Even More Ponderings: Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. The pen is mightier than the sword -- if the sword is very small and the pen is real sharp. If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter? Call me insane one more time and I'll eat your other eye! I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? Stupidity got us into this mess. Why can't it get us out? The trouble with doing nothing is that you never know when you are fi…
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An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers. "As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?" "Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the…
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California winemakers in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night. The new wine will be marketed as PINO MORE I heard it through the grapevine.
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On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?" The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."
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The tourist was admiring the Indian's necklace. "What is it made of?" she asked. "Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied. "I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us." "Oh, no," he objected. "Anybody can open an oyster."
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Things You Would NEVER Hear A Redneck Say: "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex" Duct tape won't fix that. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. We don't keep firearms in this house. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? You can't feed that to the dog. I thought Graceland was tacky. No kids in the back of the pick-up, it's not safe. Wrasslin's fake. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? We're vegetarians. Do you think my hair is too big? I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy. Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering? Who's Richard Petty? Give me the small bag of pork rinds. Deer heads detract from the …
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1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. 3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4.Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any. 5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 8. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try miss…
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Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just leave me the Hell alone. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of payments. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. …
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An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. "Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he would…
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Business one-liners 23 & 24: Don't stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding. Don't try to have the last word; you might get it. Don't worry about the sand in the Vaseline, they don't use it anyway. Due to recent budget cuts and downsizing, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem. Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy and dead. Easiest way to figure the cost of living: take your income an…
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, "the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying f…
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A man comes home to his wife after golfing. The wife asks, "Honey how come you never play with Bob anymore." The man replies, " Would you want to play with a man who cheats all the time, who lost his ball then pulls one out of his pocket saying he found it, a man who really got a 7 but marks down a 5, a man who takes 3 foot gimme's." The wife says, "No i wouldn't." The man says, "Neither would Bob."
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Business one-liners 71 & 72: If you do not know what you're doing, do it neatly. If you do not like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question. If you do not make dust, you eat dust. If you do not say it, they can't repeat it. If you do not understand it, it must be intuitively obvious. If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will. If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it. If you don't file it, you'll need it but never know where it is. If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong. If you hav…
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Modern Proverbs; a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. b.. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. c.. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. d.. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. e.. A closed mouth gathers no feet. f.. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. g.. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. h.. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious i.. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. j.. For every action, there is an …
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Studies have demonstrated that rednecks have the lowest stress rate, perhaps because they do not understand the seriousness of most medical terminology: Artery: The study of paintings Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria Barium: What doctors do when patients die Benign: What you be, after you be eight Caesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome Cat scan: Searching for Kitty Cauterize: Made eye contact with her Colic: A sheep dog Coma: A punctuation mark Dilate: …
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