Sonny's Funnies
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A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?' The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.' Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked. 'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man. Don't you realize…
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Arizona's Crazy Laws You may not have more than two dildos in a house. Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. This goes back in the days of the Wild West. Looking for more dumb laws? Check out DumbLaws.com! There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus. When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses. Hunting camels is prohibited. Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs. It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water. Glen…
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Business one-liners 05 & 06: A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer. A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants. A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to put in his mouth. A penny saved has not been spent. A penny saved is an economic breakthrough. A penny saved is ridiculous. A problem cannot be solved using the same level of thinking that created it. (In other words, if you screw it up, you can't fix it.) A real person has two reasons for doing anything...a good reason and the real reason. A short cut is the longest distance between two points.…
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Business one-liners 73 & 74: If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you should run for your life. If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, promptly develops. If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line. If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line. If you think that OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, you're in trouble. If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. If you throw something away, you w…
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Three Wishes A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes. "I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." He gets his Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible." Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his thi…
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Advice from Men to Women: Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.' If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it. Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one. Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials. Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment. Please don't drive when you're not driving. Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, …
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One day a Blonde was going down the road in her car when she sees a car accident. She comes to a stop 2 miles down the road because she hit the gas instead of the brakes. The Blonde then proceeds to pull out 2 naked cardboard men that she put long coats on. She then sets them up along side the road. After an hour passes and traffic backs up 12 miles, a cop comes by. The cop pulls over onto the side of the road. He steps out and asks the woman what those cardboard things are for. She says, "Oh nothing sir, these are just my emergency flashers."
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Business one-liners 76 & 77: Indecision is the key to flexibility. Indifference is the only sure defense. Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know. Information's pretty thin stuff, unless mixed with experience. Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. Inside every small problem is a larger problem struggling to get out. Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today. Interchangeable parts won't. Is there life before coffee? I…
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Golfing Realities: Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more. A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there. It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps. When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it's a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn? It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around on a cart, drink …
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Philosophers Of the Century ... Betsy Salkind... Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. Jean Kerr.. The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats. Prince Philip... When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. Harrison Ford... Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. Spike Milligan... The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree. Jean Rostand... Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror Arnold Schwarzenegger... Having more money doesn't make yo…
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Definitions
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Definitions: Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's. Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do. Baloney buh-lo'-nee: Where some hemlines fall. Bernadette burn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage. Burglarize bur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with. Control kon-trol': A short, ugly inmate. Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets. …
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An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their Golden Wedding Anniversary. "Let's have a big party, Homer," she suggested. "You'll need to kill a pig." The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
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These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country. Thank goodness, in spite of the perils of the job, they still have a sense of humor! 16. 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.' 15. 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.' 14. 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.' 13. 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.' 12. 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.' 11. 'You don't know how fast you were going…
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Business one-liners 25 & 26: Everybody should believe in something, I believe I'll have another beer. Everybody's gotta be someplace. Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime. Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work. Everyone has a scheme that will not work. Everyone hits a brick wall now and then; the trick is not to do it with your head. Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean. Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between. …
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Business one-liners 51& 52: Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it, get a larger hammer. Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner or the workshop. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike your toes. Baker's Law: Misery no longer loves company, Nowadays it insists on it. - Columnist Russell Baker Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb: The hippo has no sting, but the wise man would rather be sat upon by the bee. Barker's Proof: Proofreading is more effective after publication. Becker's Law: It is much harder…
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The Procrastinator's creed: 1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. 2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. 3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. 4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them. 5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations. 6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given. 7. I shall never forget that the probab…
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An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep." "I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over." "Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot." A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!" "I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Thos…
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Types of computer viruses: Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. Bill Cli…
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Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. "You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?" The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?" The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."
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Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he noted. "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church." "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" asked the priest. "Oh, $2,000 a week." said the old lady. "Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?" questioned the priest. "He is a veterinarian," she answered. The impressed priest said, "That is a very honorable profession. Where does he …
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Delaware Crazy Laws It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink. Lewes It is illegal to wear pants that are "firm fitting" around the waist. Getting married on a dare is grounds for an annulment.
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The Procrastinator's creed: 1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. 2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. 3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. 4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them. 5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations. 6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given. 7. I shall never forget that the probab…
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Business one-liners 07 & 08: After all is said and done, usually more is said than done. After any unit has been completely assembled, extra components will be found on the bench. Afternoon: that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning. Aiming for the least common denominator sometimes causes division by zero. All American cars are basically Chevrolets. All general statements are false; think about it. All generalizations are false, including this one. All generalizations are useless, including this one. All good things must come to an …
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There was a Midwestern phone company that was going to hire one team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two Norwegian guys and a team of two Irish guys. So the boss met with both teams and said: "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day. The team that installs the most phone poles gets the job." Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, Pat and Mike, the Irish guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed. They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in…
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