Sizes

[snowyday]

Sizes

(Follow these directions and you’ll have a good fit.)

From June 1957

Hat: Wrap a tape measure around your noggin directly above the aural appendages. This will give you the circumference. But the size of your hat is based on the thickness of your head—not the periphery. So it will be necessary to divide by pi, which everyone knows is 3.1415926 plus. This may sound complicated, but it’s really as easy as pi.

Shirt: The size is determined by the circumference, not the diameter of your neck. This may be easily ascertained with a tape measure. However, if you have a flair for mathematics, determine the diameter with calipers and multiply by pi.

Coat: Measure the circumference of your torso. If multiple attempts give you varying results, the discrepancy is likely due to respiratory action, without which you would have no need of a coat.

Vest: Size doesn’t matter, as vest is used only for patching pants.

Trousers: Two measurements are required—length inside the leg, which remains relatively constant after maturity, and circumference at the equator, which is variable, and has a tendency to increase with age.

Sox: This is the simplest of all. Place yardstick on floor at right angles and contiguous to the wall, and stand on it with your heels against the wall. If the measurement is 11 ½ inches, you require a size 11 ½ sock; if it measures 24 ½ inches, turn the yardstick around.

Shoes: These are measured by barley-corns. If you have none, the metrical equivalent is one third of an inch. Start at four inches for size 1. If you are poor at fractions, but good at cryptograms, try deciphering the code printed inside your present shoes. Mine say 485 40626 10, which means 9 ½. Don’t ask me why.

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