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Everything posted by snowyday

  1. An Indian petitioned the judge of an Arizona court to give him a shorter name. “What is it now?†asked the judge. “Chief Screeching-Train-Whistle,†said the Indian. “And what do you want to shorten it to?†asked the judge. The Indian folded his arms majestically and grunted, “Toots.†from the Albuquerque Journal of Albuquerque, New Mexico 15 February 1952
  2. Polygamy Must Stop Guthrie, O. T., June 18 – A delegation of Cheyenne Indians visited Governor Barnes regarding the enforcement of the law abolishing polygamy, which takes effect July 16. The governor informed them they would have to choose one among their many wives and abandon the others. The New Era, Humeston, Iowa June 23, 1897 * * *
  3. According to a researcher Alexander the Great came up with a crude timepiece for his many soldiers, consisting of a chemically treated cloth worn on the left forearm. Under the heat of the sun, the cloth changed colors every hour, providing the Macedonian warriors with the world’s first wrist watch. The device was known as Alexander’s Rag TimeBand.†The Cumberland News of Cumberland, Maryland, November 6, 1963 * * *
  4. George Dixon swears he read this in a book published long ago in the deep south: “After chasing the Union army all over the map, the Confederates pulled up at Appomattox, planning to wipe out the Yankees. . .General Lee was resting at the town’s courthouse when in walked General Grant to surrender. Lee took the Union General to be an orderly, so he gave him his sword to polish. Astonished, Grant took the sword, thinking Lee had surrendered instead. He even thanked Lee for surrendering and, being a true Southern gentleman, Lee couldn’t go back on his word.†Simpson’s Leader-Times of Kittanning, Pennsylvania, April 1, 1957 How about them apples. * * *
  5. Yall are just young pups. I worked on the C-119s until we got the first C-130s in 1956. I was in the 773 TCS from 1955 into 1959. The 773rd got the first compliment of 16 C-130s. Several of us were sent to Edwards AFB for Phase 6 Testing. Old Marv here.
  6. The Turkey’s Lament I wonder what I can have done To merit all this trouble— Shut up where I can have no fun And bent until I’m double! This morning all the folks rushed out And chased me over fences And here and there and round about Until I lost my senses. I ran toward the farmer’s wife And thought she would befriend me, But even she—upon my life— Did nothing to defend me! Instead, she grabbed me by a foot With no consideration, And in this prison I was put Without an explanation. The farmer’s sharpening an axe; The children talk of “dressing.†Oh, my, I wish I knew the facts! These rumors are depressing! But all the future I can see Looks very, very murky, Just now I think I’d rather be A chicken than a turkey. By King Gobbler, 1913
  7. Very interesting, Sam. The 775th was also at Ardmore AFB in the fifties. It was reactivated there with C-119s I think in early 1956. I was in the 773rd at that time. I thought the 775th transferred to Stewart the last of 1958. I was sent to Ardmore in November of 1955 and worked on C-119s until we received the first of the C-130s in 1956. I was released the last of January 1959.
  8. Question: What is the salary of a quartermaster sergeant? Answer: The War Department says that the pay of a master sergeant, the grade in which all quartermaster sergeants senior grade are now placed, is $126 per month. Quartermaster sergeants, other than senior grade, are regarded as technical sergeants, and their pay is $84 per month. This pay became effective July 1, 1922. Sheboygan Press, Sheboygan, Wisconsin December 7, 1923 * * *
  9. The Drink Ideal Here is to buttermilk, beverage fine, Drink that beats booze forty ways, Better than brewery products or wine, Worthy of bountiful praise! When you are thirsty it goes to the spot, Instant relief to extend, Cooling the throat that was parching and hot, Acting the part of a friend. All of the doctors who know A B C, Give it their warmest O.K., Say that it’s better than bitters or tea. Any old time of the day. Swear it is one of the healthiest drinks Man has discovered and much, Better than mixtures induced by a wink Under the soda clerk’s touch. Fresh from the churn in a gold speckled flow, Flavored with nothing but ice, Brimming tin dipperful bound to bestow Blessings that come without price, Drink of it daintily, taking your time, Sip it in soulful repose, Getting away with it makes you feel prime Down to the tips of your toes. Here’s to the health giving drink for the gods! Ho, for a buttermilk spree! Holding its devotees, giving no odds, Just get the habit and see. Leaving next morning no brown, fuzzy taste, Causing no riots nor strife, Leaving no record you wish to efface Ho, the elixir of life! Nashville American of Nashville, Tennessee, May 16, 1908 * * *
  10. Airships spatter oil worse than automobiles do. After they get to flying thickly it will be necessary for all persons to wear a tin roof to keep off the oil and falling monkey wrenches and beer bottles. Hints and Dints, May 6, 1912. * * * Cranking automobiles seems to be about as dangerous as blowing into the empty gun. May 1912 * * * A western mule dealer, who is personally acquainted with thousands of mules, says the price of mules has doubled in the past few years. Mules are still giving the auto truck the hee-haw. From New Castle News, New Castle, Pennsylvania, July 11, 1913 * * * A woman was sent to jail for five days in Nashville, Tennessee for killing a barber. Killing a barber evidently isn’t a very serious offense down there. From New Castle News, New Castle, Pennsylvania, June 26, 1913 * * * A newspaper, in speaking of a deceased citizen banker said: “We knew him as old Ten Per Cent-- The more he had the less he spent-- The more he got the less he lent-- He’s dead-- we don’t know where he went-- But if his soul to heaven is sent-- He’ll own the harp and charge ‘em rent.†From New Castle News, New Castle, Pennsylvania, July 9, 1913 * * * What would happen to a man if he walked or ran down Washington street making the noise and smoke that an automobile makes? He would be surrounded by cops and pinched on the spot. From New Castle News, New Castle, Pennsylvania, June 7, 1913 * * * Edison says that in a hundred years there will be no poverty. Not for any of us, that’s right. From New Castle News, New Castle, Pennsylvania, August 27, 1913. * * * The United States district court of New York has ruled that damages cannot be recovered when an aeroplane drops on a person. From New Castle News, New Castle, Pennsylvania, June 28, 1913 * * * “Tut,†“tut,†is President Wilson’s fiercest cuss word. He couldn’t drive a mule very far on mollycoddle language like that. From New Castle News, New Castle, Pennsylvania, June 27, 1913 * * * A bill has been introduced in the U. S. Senate that aims to provide a two-dollar-a-day job for every person who wants it. From New Castle News, New Castle, Pennsylvania, June 27, 1913 * * * The Prudent Farmer to His Love Come, live with me and be my love, And I’ll buy thee a new cook stove; Then, summer, autumn, winter, spring, You’ll hear your own tea kettle sing. I’ll buy thee, too, a chair that rocks, Where you may sit and darn my socks; And as your needle fills each hole, A deep content shall fill your soul. That it is you who sit there rocking, And no one else may darn my stockings. A mattress made of shucks and hay, Shall rest you at the close of day; A clock with loud alarm shall warn, Your sleepy head when night is gone. I’ll buy thee, too, a muslin gown, To wear some Sunday into town. I’ll give you damaged corn to feed, The chickens, and if you succeed Well with the eggs and fowls and milk, I’ll give you somewhat toward a silk. If all these promised joys can move, Come, live with me and be my love. M. M. Lee From New Castle News, New Castle, Pennsylvania, June 28, 1913
  11. THE OLD CONFEDERATE’S STORY We had all grown weary listening, To the stories of war and death. When the old Confederate rested A moment to catch his breath. And one disgusted listener, In rather sarcastic tone, Said: “Now, see here, old soldier, As we’re all of us alone; Come, tell us, about how many Of the Yanks did you ever kill?†The Old Confederate answered, “It’s a ticklish question. Still, I don’t mind tellin’ it private, An’ in confidence jest to you; I’ve been figgerin’ ‘em up here lately, An’, infact, I’ve just got through. It’s a strange coincidence, very, “Bout the strangest I ever see Fur I killed jest as many of theyuns, As theyuns killed of me!†The Galveston Daily News, Galveston, Texas, February 11, 1884
  12. Dun Him The word “dun†was first used during the reign of Henry VII. It owes its birth to Joe Dunn, an English bailiff, who was so indefatigable and skilled in collecting debts, that it became a proverb, when a person did not pay his debts, “why don’t you Dunn him?" That is, “why don’t you send Dunn after him?†Hence originated the word which is in general use today. Copied from the “Fayetteville Observer†– December 4, 1852
  13. From the United States Air Force - “There are old pilots and bold pilots, but very few old bold pilots.†* * * * Children do brighten up a home. Who ever saw one of them turn out a light. * * * * Loose teeth worry more people than loose morals. * * * * An author dedicated a new book to his wife, without whose absence, he said, it could never have been written. * * * * Another way of getting the wrong number is to ask a woman her age. * * * * When the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, it may be that they take better care of it over there. * * * * It has been suggested that the reason there were fewer wrecks in the horse and buggy days was because the driver didn’t depend wholly on his own intelligence. * * * * The only place that a dollar is still worth 100 cents today is in those problems in the arithmetic book. * * * * The Old Timer can remember when things in ten-cent stores were 10 cents. * * * * It’s a wise woman who makes her husband feel that he is the head of the house when he is really only chairman of the entertainment committee. * * * * A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished. * * * * Leon Noel of Little Rock, Arkansas, can spell his name backward as quickly as he can forward. * * * * Many a girl has found out that marriage wasn’t the solution for tired aching feet. * * * * The toughest part of putting something away for a rainy day is finding a clear day to do it. * * * * Today’s foreign policy seems to be speak softly and carry a big stick of candy. 1958 * * * * There is probably an excellent reason why the husbands of the world’s ten best dressed women are seldom listed among the ten best dressed men. * * * * “There are two types of women in the world – those who take you for what you are, and those who take you for what you have. * * * * You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead. * * * * When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him. * * * * One who thinks purls are precious stones is a knit-wit. * * * * Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late." * * * * Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. * * * * If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep. * * * * Know-how doesn’t seem to account for as much in Washington these days as know-whom. * * * * Well, the huge national debt our descendants will inherit should keep them from one indulgence – ancestor worship! * * * * What this country needs is not so much a good five-cent cigar, as a nickel that is worth five cents. * * * * The whole world over, it looks like the American taxpayer has got to be his brother’s keeper. * * * * A lot of folks that takes a back seat in church is going to get a front seat in hell. 1949 * * * * There ain’t nothing funnier to a fool than to watch another fool acting natural. * * * * A woman with a broken heart gets a kick out of wearing it on her sleeve. * * * * A politician says when a politician quits politicking he’s out of a job. Usually he don’t need a job then – he’s dead. * * * * There ain’t but one way to stop fools from driving cars 90 miles an hour: Stop making cars that’ll run that fast. * * * * Many a feller that’s scooting around now in an expensive car will have to walk over the hill to the poorhouse. * * * * The fellow that insists he’s laid all his cards on the table generally has an ace up his sleeve. * * * * Let’s celebrate the fact, that we have the best country in the world, and renew our resolve to make it even better. * * * * Lets get rid of all the politicians and find us some PATRIOTS. MDS
  14. The husband was 50 and his wife around 45 when he became critically ill. He died a few weeks later and his body was taken to a neighborhood funeral home along with the list of pallbearers the widow wanted. The funeral director looked at the list and said, “I knew your husband very well. He had a lot of friends about his age and I feel sure he would have liked to have some of them carry his casket. All the names on this list are young men in their twenties. “I know,†the widow said. “I am aware of all this but I must start thinking of myself. I expect to get married again and I don’t want to waste any time looking over the crop of eligible men.†A few days after the funeral the director had reason to revisit the cemetery. He noticed someone digging on the grave of her deceased husband. It was the widow. She explained: “George realized I would probably marry again but he told me just before he died he’d like for me to wait at least until the grass started growing on his grave. I promised and I’ll live up to my promise. I’m sodding it.†* * * *
  15. Two female high school classmates who got together after not seeing each other for several years. One asked the other, “Do you have any children?†The other lady said four, all of them boys. First lady had another question, “Any of them named for that football star you had that terrible crush on back in high school?†“Indeed not,†said the other indignantly, “all my boys have church names, I assure you. They are named Matthew, Mark, Luke and Bingo.†* * *
  16. The young men of the family had moved the outhouse but did not have time to fill in the trench before dark. They warned everyone including grandpa but he forgot. He wandered out after dark, fell in the hole and couldn’t get out. He called for help, by yelling “Fire! Fire! Fire!†Grandsons rescued him but wanted to know why he had yelled “Fire!†Grandpa replied, “You came to help me when I yelled fire. Would you have come as fast if I had yelled what my real predicament was?†* * * *
  17. A man owned a bird dog that was whispered around to be the very best. But the owner never took anybody hunting with him. His preacher finally got a chance to go along. Dog owner shot a bird, which fell in the edge of the water on the other side of the lake. Without being encouraged, the dog tiptoed across the lake, literally walking on the water. Owner said, “Preacher, now you see why I always go hunting alone. I was embarrassed, that’s why. I never could teach this dumb dog to swim.†* * *
  18. It was during the Great Depression and the family didn’t have money to buy lumber for the new facility. The head of the household saw a want ad which said somebody had ten old doors and they would be given to anyone who would haul the doors away. Outhouse-needing man rushed over in his wagon and got them. He used the large doors for the sides of his privy. The master john he built was three doors wide in the front and back and two doors wide on the sides. Since the finished job was rustic the builder didn’t bother to remove the door knobs and locks from the doors. They say there is no describing the frustration, nervousness, and sheer panic of anyone who made an emergency run down the grape-arbor path to the outhouse and couldn’t figure which of the ten old doors was the real entrance to the makeshift privy. Said one outraged visitor of the builder of the ten-door john. “People have been ridden out of the country on a rail for a less dastardly deed.†* * *
  19. Some people are ashamed of their past. Others write best sellers. * * * * Do you ever feel like Brand X.? * * * * There is no rest for the wicked – and their neighbors don’t get much rest either. * * * * A person who talks to himself has the satisfaction of knowing that his audience is all ears. * * * * Ulcers are the result of mountain-climbing over molehills. * * * * When the moon is full the gas tank is most often empty. * * * * Inflation isn’t entirely bad – at least it sells balloons. * * * * The trouble is, most of us spend half our lives trying to live it up, and the other half trying to live it down. * * * * “Easy come easy go,†doesn’t apply to used cars. * * * * As far as flattery goes, marriage is the end of the line. * * * * At home a husband’s word is law – the kind that never seems to get enforced. * * * * Most fishermen go for new lures faster than the fish do. * * * * The average driver is sure he drives carefully, but the fellow ahead always stays too close. * * * * A lot of lots are lots larger than a lot of other lots. * * * * Be kind to animals week is not for the benefit of the man who leads a dog’s life. * * * * RULE NUMBER ONE A little flattery now and then, Makes husbands of the single men. * * * * A feller that lives on hope ain’t never burdened with too much fat. * * * * It looks like that even folks that expect the best of you is always ready to believe the worst. * * * * A fellow that sets in saying what he thinks soon runs out of listeners. * * * * Most absent minded folks I know ain’t much better off when their minds are present. * * * * Man is supposed to be a intelligent being, but you shore couldn’t guess it from the daily news of his doings. * * * * Don’t set around doing nothing and waiting for your ship to come in. Get busy and paddle your own canoe out to meet it. * * * * The reason men don’t win arguments with women is because men with good sense don’t argue with women. * * * * I always figgered that a man that puts his head in a lion’s mouth ain’t risking much. * * * It’s mighty easy to thumb a ride on the road to ruin. * * * * Looking through the dictionary only reminds us of how ignorant we are. * * * * Nearly all sucker traps are baited with an offer of something for nothing. * * * * Men can’t understand women, but they sure have a lot of fun trying to. * * * * Be careful when an enemy offers to bury the hatchet. He may have an axe to grind. * * * * Another terribly oppressed minority is a man with a wife and two or three teenaged daughters. * * * * You’re endowed with certain rights, but if you don’t everlastingly stick up for ‘em somebody’ll come along and unendow you. * * * * You can count on it that sooner or later your sins will find you out—and the bill collector will find you in. * * * * If a fellow follows the policy of letting tomorrow take care of itself, sooner or later somebody’ll have to take care of him. * * * * Even when a politician ain’t got his ear to the ground, he’s usually stooping to something else. * * * * A lot of folks tune out the voice of conscience when money starts talking. * * * * No matter how well things are planned , most of us, are going to have to work if all of us are going to eat. * * * * The reason a cat has nine lives is because he knows how to relax. * * * * That’s good advice about bearing one another’s burdens. The other fellow’s burden is a lot easier to bear. * * * * In a lot of cases when you help the underdog he gets up and bites a plug out of your leg. * * * * All that most folks has got when the rainy days come is lots of debts they made when the sun was shining. * * * * Many a fellow tries to drown out the voice of conscience by singing hymns in a loud voice. * * * * When a fellow says he don’t care what folks say about him, he knows they ani’t apt to say nothing good about him. * * * * It don’t take a very heavy pocketbook to throw the scales of Justice out of balance. * * * * If you let folks push you around, you’ll soon have your back to the wall. * * * * Nature usually evens things up. A grass-hopper is lazier’n a bee, but he’s got better manners. * * * * The inscription on your tombstone won’t be admitted as evidence in your trial on Judgment Day. * * * *  
  20. To a woman the perfect husband is one who thinks he has a perfect wife. * * * * Classified ad: “Cat wanted for light mouse-work. * * * * If Hawaii wins statehood ahead of Alaska, it will doubtless be because her citizens know how to get a wiggle on. March 1, 1954. * * * * We know a fellow who became so excited reading about cigarettes and lung cancer – he swore off reading. * * * * Give some people an inch and they want to become a ruler. * * * * A man will sometimes devote his whole life to developing one part of his body – the wishbone. * * * * A lot of politicians think the middle of the road is where they won’t run into anything. * * * * Some people are like owls – they get a reputation for being clever by hooting at everything. * * * * A girl admires a man who stands on his own two feet, especially if the bus is crowded. * * * * A traveling salesman 80 years old died in St. Louis recently and left an estate of 35,000 towels. * * * * The hardest task of a girl’s life is to prove to a man that his intentions are serious. * * * * Nobody is satisfied with his walk in life if he has to shovel it himself. * * * * All the Constitution guarantees, is the pursuit of happiness, you have to catch up with it yourself * * * * Minds are like parachutes. They only function when open. * * * * The way to fight a woman is with your hat – grab it and run. * * * * People who are late are always more jolly than those that have to wait for them. * * * * There’s always room at the top – after the investigation. * * * * Many people live alone and like it but most live alone and look it. * * * * Sudden wealth never made a fool of anyone – it just exposed him. * * * * What some of us need is more horsepower and not so much exhaust. * * * * The best thing to take when run down is the license number of the car. * * * * A Portland, Oregon man was injured while passing the buck, a deer head fell from a tavern wall. * * * * He was so narrow-minded he could applaud with his ears. * * * * A man is known by the company he keeps avoiding. * * * * Don’t be depressed when people say you’re fat, dear – just keep your chins up!†* * * * If you see good in everybody you may be an optimist, and then again you may be nuts. * * * * Most men would rather touch a snake than a damp dishcloth. * * * * We’ve often wondered – do bill collectors pay their bills? * * * * There may be many, but the chief cause of divorce is marriage. * * * * A rumble seat looks foolish in summer – in the winter it really is. * * * * Guilty is but a single word but in lots of cases it means a long sentence. * * * * The devil is a fellow with horns who blows them the instant the traffic light changes. * * * * All coats-of-arms are hand-me-downs. * * * * His mouth was so large that he could whisper in his own ear. * * * * Illinois auto plates next year will bear the slogan, “Land of Lincoln.†(June 1954.) * * * * Sign in restaurant: “The silver is not medicine, don’t take it after meals.†* * * * Don’t hesitate to argue with your spouse occasionally, it shows you are listening. * * * * Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week which has a “Y†in it. * * * * Take life as you find it, but please don’t leave it that way. * * * * The thing most often opened by mistake is the human mouth. * * * * Asked if her husband believed in life after death, the woman replied, “George doesn’t even believe in life after supper.†* * * * Among the things that improve with age are “the good old days.†* * * * “When the fog lifted I found I’d been waiting for an hour under the wrong clock and was being nagged by the wrong woman.†* * * * The trouble with this world is that too many people are always out of town. * * * * If you are thinking of using mud as a beauty treatment, remember it did not do much for the turtle. * * * * Most wives like an answer from their husbands that is short and sweet, like: “Yes, honey!†* * * * Your dog may not be your best friend, but if he is not biting you at the moment, he’s getting close to the top. * * * * The Supreme Court will soon rule on this question. If you are reincarnated, do you have to return the insurance money? * * * *
  21. Many a man who has loved his wife when her hair was brown, red, black and blonde will continue to love her when it is gray. * * * * It’s all right to drink like a fish, provided you drink what a fish does. * * * * Many an accident happens to a man when his wife falls asleep in the back seat. * * * * Any wife is content to take a back seat to her husband so long as she can do the driving. * * * * An expert is one who can complicate simplicity. * * * * A perfect example of minority rule is a baby in the house. * * * * She saw the price and then, of course, she simply had to have it. * * * * Every railroad train has two ends and the dining car is always at the other one. * * * * The trouble with wives is that they’d rather mend your ways than your socks. * * * * “The fathers’ waiting room at the Hollywood Methodist Hospital is called the Heirport. * * * * The ideal Christmas gift for Dad would be a set of unbreakable New Year’s resolutions. * * * * Tequila: The gulp of Mexico. * * * * As a man grows older he usually becomes more cool headed, in many cases this could be due to lack of hair. * * * * I didn’t say my husband drinks like a fish, yer honor, I jest said how his friends call him Bacon ‘cause they’re always bringin’ him home!†* * * * A wise man never asks a large woman what has she got to lose. * * * * Most family arguments have two sides – but no end. * * * * Nothing makes a man forget a passing fancy like something fancier. * * * * On a struggling lawn in Chicago: “Your feet are killing me!†* * * * The best proof that money isn’t everything is the inside of a woman’s purse. * * * * When the One Great Scorer comes To write against your name. . . . He marks --- not that you won or lost But how you played the game. Grantland Rice * * * * It’s a pity we can’t reduce our figures as easily as those in our bank accounts. * * * * Secret meetings never do free people any good. * * * * There may be slow-downs in other lines, but tailoring business is always pressing. * * * * My wife always agrees there’s two sides to every question – hers and the wrong one. * * * * The honeymoon is over when the wife starts winning most of the arguments. * * * * Living within your means today is rather mean living. * * * * Some people are so lazy they won’t even try to collect the living they think the world owes them. * * * * A politician has to be able to see both sides of an issue so he can get around it. * * * * It’s all right for every dog to have his day, but why do the cats have to take the night shift. * * * * My grandpa couldn’t afford a lot of things that I can’t live without today. * * * * A 100-year-old man says he’s bought only one bottle of medicine in his life, and he threw that away. * * * * It’s usually easier in the long run to do what you ought to do than to try to explain why you didn’t. * * * * In a lot of cases the feller that’s putting up a big front has got his back to the wall. * * * * A lot of people who think that politics is a dirty business probably get this opinion from observing that few politicians come clean. * * * * Hope looks through rose-colored glasses and turns a deaf ear to the Voice of Experience. * * * * A man can usually have the last word with a woman if he can afford to say yes. * * * * Chemistry probably will never develop anything more dangerous than a blonde. * * * * I ain’t never seen nothing as awkward as a 16-year old boy in love. * * * * A feller’s bound to lose his shirt sooner or later if he puts too much on the cuff. * * * * I done got to where I’ll believe anything the scientists say, providing it’s unreasonable enough. * * * * The biggest cause of insomnia is an overloaded conscience or an overloaded stomach. * * * * Admirer, to senatorial candidate: “I like the straight-forward way you dodged those issues. * * * * No wonder our politicians are the way they are they were all born illiterate. * * * * Santa enters through a hole in the chimney and leaves through a hole in your pocket. * * * * A tough break is to be born rich and never have the opportunity of bragging about carrying a paper route of living in a log cabin. * * * *
  22. Before you flare up at anyone’s faults, take time to count ten of your own. * * * * “The trouble with marrying for money,†said Rabbi Beryl D. Cohen during a recent symposium on marriage at Brookline, “is that you’ve got to take the girl with it.†* * * * “I was crazy to get a wife and since marriage I’ve never changed my opinion.†* * * * The reason folks don’t practice what they preach is this wouldn’t leave ‘em much time for preaching. * * * * The sorriest newspaper I ever saw was one that was run by a fellow that tried to please everybody. * * * * Like a lot of folks, flowers are soft from being coddled. Weeds will grow right on without pampering. * * * * How come it hurts a fellow a lot more to lose a dime than it does to throw away a dollar? * * * * When I read that 17 per cent of folks are flat-footed, I got to wondering how many of ‘em are flat-headed. * * * * “One farmer said I ain’t greedy ‘bout land. I only want what jines mine.†* * * * About the only kind of suffering I ain’t had is childbirth, and I think I’ve had symptoms of that. Olin Miller * * * * A fellow ain’t got very much religion if he gets mad when he argues about it. * * * * I heard an old fellow say he’d rather be descended from a monkey than from some folks he knows. * * * * It’s hard to tell which is slickest, a water wagon seat, or a political party economy plank. * * * * The fellow that said the best things in life are free ain’t near as fond of eating as I am. * * * * I often wonder how I managed to live through all the home remedies that were given to me when I was a kid. * * * * “A gentleman is a man who holds the door open for his wife while she carries out the garbage. * * * * A man that ain’t got no better sense than to argue with a woman is bound to lose the argument. * * * * I don’t wish money growed on trees, but on bushes so I could get it without climbing or stooping. * * * * Maybe bread cast upon the waters will return, but most of the dough thrown across the oceans will not. * * * * What happens when a black cat crosses the path of a fellow that’s carrying a rabbit’s foot. * * * * They say over eating will kill you, but I’d rather do that than to die on an empty stomach. * * * * Home is the place where you can trust the hash. * * * * I ain’t never heard of nobody getting an honorary degree from the School of Experience. * * * * A fellow ought to live so the person that writes the inscription for his tombstone won’t go to hell for lying. * * * * If I had some stock that was going to double in six months, I wouldn’t be out trying to sell it. * * * * When you give your wife the slip, it had better be gift wrapped. * * * * A fellow may have more money than brains – but not for long. * * * * The funniest thing I’ve ever seen and heard was a lawyer trying to cross-examine a woman witness. * * * * I’m ‘agin’ nudism, the less you can see of the average person, the better he looks. * * * * One-armed bandit players are lambs being led to the slotter. * * * * A dollar won’t do as much for you nowadays, but you won’t do as much for a dollar. * * * * The weaker sex is the strongest sex because of the weakness of the stronger sex for the weaker sex. * * * * Always be generous in praise of your wife’s appearance – particularly if she happens to be wearing last year’s outfit. * * * * It’s easy to tell when a feller is telling a lie, he always offers to prove it. * * * * Fortunate is the lovely young lady who can use her head for something other than to separate earrings. * * * * An adolescent is a youngster in his early nicoteens. * * * * Whether a fellow ought to say what he thinks depends on what he’s thinking and who he’s talking to. * * * * No matter how little a fellow knows about religion, he feels fully qualified to argue about it. * * * * Yes the air is free, but if you ain’t got the price of groceries, you can’t breathe it very long. * * * * A budget is a method of planned worrying. * * * * A fellow’s ear shore gets a lot more exercise than his tongue when a woman calls him on the phone. * * * * A forger is a guy who gives a check a bad name. * * * * There are as many fatal accidents in the home as on the highway, but getting killed at home is cheaper. * * * * The height of many a girl’s ambition is about six feet. * * * * A pessimist is the best person to borrow money from. He never expects to get it back. * * * *  
  23. Every time one man puts a new idea across, he finds ten men who thought of it before he did, but they only thought of it. * * * * Nobody ain’t interested in your ailments but the doctor, and he wouldn’t be if it wasn’t his business. * * * * The first lie detector was made from the rib of man. No improvement has ever been made on the original machine. * * * * Nothing can hold liquor as well as a bottle so leave it in the bottle. * * * * Folks can’t take it with them, but the tightwads get a big kick out of hanging on to it while they’re here. * * * * I know an old codger that don’t believe nothing he hears, nor nothing he sees till he looks twice. * * * * If you are asking a man for his daughter’s hand be sure not to get the one she keeps in his pockets. * * * * The world seems to be weltering in the longest wry spell in history. * * * * An inconsistent feller is one that agrees with you on some things and disagrees with you on others. * * * * An education at least enables us to express what we do not know with eloquent phraseology. * * * * The world has become so small that almost any nation is within reach of Uncle Sam’s pockets. * * * * The fellow that chases a woman runs a big risk of having a head-on collision. * * * * Some folks tell Satan to get behind them because they’re ashamed for even the devil to see what they do. * * * * Eating an apple made Eve know she was not robed, it’s about time women try eating another apple. * * * * The average boy uses soap as if it came out of his allowance. * * * * I ran across a book on “How to Manage Women,†I’m reading it for the laughs. * * * * Brother Jones is called a pillar of the church, and I notice that right often he’s also a sleeper. * * * * “A small town is the place where a fellow with a black eye doesn’t have to explain it to people.†* * * * The biggest problem about your leisure time is how to keep other folks from using it. * * * * Good wives, like flowers, bloom here and there, Bad wives, like weeds, grow everywhere. * * * * The reason a girl had rather have beauty than brains is because most men see better than they think. * * * * I might enjoy being young again, but I don’t believe I’d enjoy being that foolish. * * * * I believe the human race is here to stay, and that there ain’t nothing much that can be done about it. * * * * Don’t feel superior to people who are living in the past. It was much cheaper then. * * * * A wise man, when the chips are down, doesn’t have any on his shoulder. * * * * It’s always later than you think – especially early in the morning. * * * * This would be a mighty pretty world and a fairly good one if man wasn’t here to louse it up. * * * * It’s mighty hard to argue with a fellow that makes up statistics as he goes along. * * * * Looks like no matter what sort of economic machine is set up, it’s geared so as to keep the poor man broke. * * * * Finding the needle in a haystack is not a pleasant achievement for a hungry cow. * * * * A bureaucrat is a man or woman who works for the government in a job that somebody else wants. * * * * One big trouble about getting old is that a feller has to mighty nigh stop living in order to keep from dying. * * * * Folks that say they’re tired of this vale of tears sends for the doctor quick as anybody when they get sick. * * * * It ain’t hardly possible these days to over-estimate what it’s going to cost to build something. * * * * Yesterday the parson preached a sermon against gambling, and then turned right around and married a couple. * * * * It’s a mighty big strain on a child’s faith when the Sunday School picnic is rained out. * * * * It’s mighty hard to tell sometimes whether a public speaker is putting on an act or having a fit. * * * * Some people use religion like a bus and ride on it only when it is going their way. * * * * Experience is a strenuous teacher – no graduates, no degrees, some survivors. * * * * The reason history keeps on repeating is because man keeps repeating his fool mistakes. * * * * How come there’s so much more summer weather in summer than spring weather in spring. * * * * Be skeered of a woman that tells the truth about her age, she’d tell the truth about anything. * * * * Most of a fellow’s education comes after his schooling, as he gradually learns he don’t know everything. * * * * If an office holder says he don’t know if he’ll run for reelection, he’s a liar that wants to be asked. * * * * The most useful word in the language ain’t got but two letters, it begins with “n†and ends with “oâ€. * * * * It looks like saving money for a rainy day mighty nigh always brings on a flood. * * * *
  24. When a feller says, “I ain’t no fool,†he ain’t thinking – he’s wondering. * * * * The best place to look for the family circle is around a square meal. * * * * It takes a lot of jack to keep a car up. * * * * I wasn’t surprised to read a man fell dead when he paid his income tax, it mighty nigh kills me. * * * * An old codger told me he had seen a lot of changes in his time and he had been against all of ‘em. * * * * A feller is getting along in years when he counts his change no matter how pretty the cashier is. * * * * The feller that brags that he don’t never quarrel with his wife is mistaking cowardice for chivalry. * * * * A Loafer is a man that rests before he gets tired. * * * * Charity wouldn’t cost much if it went only to folks that’s needy through no fault of their own. * * * * No matter how much or what kind of sense a feller’s got, if he ain’t got no sense about spending money he’s a fool. * * * * The doctor told me to laugh at my troubles, and I did, but they laughed right back at me. * * * * The reason a lot of folks has a hard time making ends meet is they cover too much territory. * * * * Every time a feller tries to explain a lie, a little truth leaks out. * * * * They say truth crushed to earth will rise again – but a lot of dirty work is done while it’s down. * * * * In a lot of cases the chip on a feller’s shoulder is mostly bark. * * * * There ain’t nobody tall enough to keep his feet on the ground while his head is in the clouds. * * * * There’s a lot of advantages in being old, and any oldster would swap 10 of them for 1 advantage of being young. * * * * Work is one of the most interesting things in the world, when the other fellow’s doing it. * * * * It’s the club car, not the roadbed that makes the train rock so much.†* * * * Most of us would live very well on our incomes if Uncle Sam didn’t skim the cream off. * * * * If a fellow spends much time yelling for his rights, he’s neglecting his duties. * * * * If all the people who ate at boarding houses were put at one long table they would reach. * * * * “Many a man prefers dampened spirits.†* * * * When I was a school kid a boy was a sissy that didn’t strike matches on the seat of his pants. * * * * It looks like the only time a lot of folks love money is when they’re kissing it goodbye. * * * * The feller that gets as high as a kite never makes a happy landing. * * * * Skis are the swiftest transportation from white-blanketed mountainsides to white-sheeted hospitals. * * * * This is the time of year when people go to Florida and give up good dollars for poor quarters. * * * * When I was young, folks didn’t brag about their ancestors. They had family albums and knew what they looked like. * * * * For us oldsters, Christmas comes twice as quick as it used to, and it ain’t half as much fun. * * * * There’s a lot of folks in this world that the best way to get along with them is to leave them entirely alone. * * * * A driver who has had a few quick ones may have a few close ones, too. * * * * She has two strings to her bow and has two beaux on the string. * * * * Being skeered of what the neighbors might find out has prevented more devilment than all the laws. * * * * I believe if a woman’s intuition could be analyzed, it’d show up as being mostly suspicion. * * * * I reckon the reason Uncle Sam’s legs are so long is because other nations have pulled them so much. * * * * Young folks these days worry a lot more about an empty gas tank than about an empty head. * * * * Even falling off a log wouldn’t be easy for some folks, as they couldn’t decide which side to fall off. * * * * I think hillbillies are all right in their place – and that’s in the hills, not in the radio station. * * * * A small income is a heck of a thing – difficult to live within and impossible to live without. * * * * When people are green with envy they are ripe for trouble. * * * * Some people are such loud dressers you can hear them hunting for their ties.†* * * * Democracy is a system under which a fellow who didn’t vote can spend the rest of the year kicking about the candidates the other fellows elected. * * * * Opportunity doesn’t knock these days. It rings the phone and asks silly questions. * * * * A feller has to be a mighty big egotist to feel important while looking at the stars. * * * * The best thing to do for spring fever is to set as much and as loose as possible. * * * * You can judge a man by striking an average between what his ma and ma-in-law think of him. * * * * A man taking cold often measures his ounce of prevention in a jigger. * * * * If a feller waits long enough for something to turn up, something will, but it’ll probably be his toes. * * * * Being always on time, but not buying things that way, leads to a happy life. * * * * No matter what sort of government or system of doing business, some folks have more spending money than others. * * * *  
  25. The reason it’s so hard to save money is that there’s so many other things a feller can do with it. * * * * Everybody’s against sin, especially the other feller’s sin. * * * * A little opposition is necessary for every man – kites rise against, not with the wind. * * * * I reckon the preacher takes up the collection before preaching because everybody’s awake then. * * * * If a fat woman that wears slacks had hindsight, she’d quit wearing ‘em. * * * * A working man ought to eat a hearty breakfast, as work is especially hard to take on an empty stomach. * * * * How come the weather man never attributes cold fronts to plunging necklines. * * * * If somebody asks you to listen to him with an open mind, the chances are that he’s got some propaganda to plant in it. * * * * It’s easy to tell a publicity hound, he’s got a big mouth and a long tale. * * * * Looks like that for some time, about all I’ve got to show for my money is cancelled checks. * * * * So many folks enjoy drinking coffee that it’s a wonder the reformers ain’t tried to get it outlawed. * * * * Never tell a top sergeant that zebras are not the only donkeys wearing stripes. * * * * I doubt if anybody could be pessimistic while watching the sun rise. * * * * Bear in mind that the feller that slaps you on the back is in a good position to kick you in the pants. * * * * I always figgered a woman was in her prime when she celebrates her 30th birthday the first time. * * * * Another reason a fool riles me so much is because he gits so much fun out of being a fool. * * * * “Remember, part of all you earn belongs to you.†* * * * Whether the average feller gets much fun out of life depends a lot on how often he goes fishing. * * * * They say the customer is always right, but that shore ain’t so when he’s in a bank. * * * * It’s mighty easy to keep from crying over the other feller’s spilled milk. * * * * A feller ought to try to live so his feller man won’t get a good laugh out of the inscription on his tombstone. * * * * It’s hard to know what to do, if you tell lies, folks won’t trust you; if you tell the truth, they won’t like you. * * * * A preacher says the devil will take the world over soon. I reckon it’s just a matter of him foreclosing the mortgage. * * * * A lot of folks work their selves to death trying to get even with their enemies and ahead of their friends. * * * * It’s natural that a feller that has seen his best days looks back on them as the good old days. * * * * A fool and his money soon parts—especially when a carnival comes to town. * * * * I use to worry about getting fat, till I learned it was worse to have to worry about being hungry. * * * * I feel a lot better since I quit taking several sorts of vitamins and started taking food with my meals. * * * * I often wonder where John Q. Taxpayer gets all the money the politicians take away from him. * * * * Nearly any girl will throw herself at a man if she thinks he is a good catch. * * * * Halloween was about the only time when boys of my generation dared to be juvenile delinquents. * * * * It’s mighty hard for a feller to see both sides of a question if it’s close to him. * * * * A budget ought to include an item of at least 10 per cent to cover money that disappears without a trace. * * * * Money ain’t the most important thing in life, but it’d be hard to name five things more important. * * * * A lot of times what is took for a majority ain’t nothing but a little minority kicking up a lots of fuss. * * * * When a feller sets out to tell you his troubles, he don’t ever omit none of the details. * * * * I wonder if a diet of milk and honey would supply a fellow with all the vitamins he needs. * * * * Imagination is what makes some politicians think they are statesmen. * * * * Sheep’s eyes are easy to pull the wool over. * * * * A woman don’t never cry so hard she can’t see what effect she’s having on whoever’s looking at her. * * * * Television is rapidly finding its way into the home now that it has passed the bar examination. * * * * If you want to work yourself to death and have no fun while doing it, do what everybody expects you to. * * * * Nobody dresses crazier than men in the summer, unless it’s women in the winter. * * * * Us Americans ought to be thankful, not only for living, but for where we’re living and how we’re living. * * * * Folks like to get mad. I never miss the column by a fellow that makes me madder’n all get out. * * * * Ain’t no use to hope for paradise here unless folks learns how to run the world without politicians. * * * * In a lot of cases the feller that offers to take you in on the ground floor is up to some dirty work. * * * * It’s a pretty tough world. If we work, we get tired – if we don’t work, we get hungry. * * * * A lot of times I wonder what became of all the money I saved by not drinking liquor. * * * *  
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