One Liners

[snowyday]

One Liners From The Forties and Fifties

A feller told me he was married by a Justice of the Peace and he ain’t had no justice or peace since.

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A feller could get into a peck of trouble by doing everything he’s got a legal right to do.

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The only 8-hour day a farmer has is when he takes Saturday evening off.

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A drop in the ocean is a trifling thing, except to an aviator.

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Mistletoe is the state flower of Oklahoma—also of those in the state of spinsterhood.

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If cussing it would do any good, we’d done had a perfect Government a long time age.

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A reformer is a feller that thinks you’re as big a scoundrel as he used to be.

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Inflation started a long time ago—when the price of a quart of liquor was raised to a dollar.

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Another bad thing about liquor is that most of it is bought by folks that can’t afford to buy it.

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The average dog has got more sense than a lot of folks—he lays away a few bones for the future.

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Cracking safes is unwise, and wise-cracking is often unsafe.

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They say being poor is all right when you get used to it, but mighty few folks live that long.

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Because women have curves, men have angles.

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Some folks don’t ever do any deep thinking till they get in a hole.

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It’s a funny thing that a feller can fool a woman into marring him and then can’t ever fool her again.

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Girls who throw themselves at men are usually pitching curves.

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John L. Lewis’ scowl, would scare the dickens out of you if you didn’t know his middle name’s Llewellyn.

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Most fellows don’t start saving for a rainy day until it begins to cloud up and thunder.

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One of my Christmas presents is a tie loud enough to scare a trash-wagon mule.

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It may look flat, but this old world is surely on edge.

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Too many crooners take their adenoids to a microphone instead of to a doctor.

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In most cases when a girl learns she’s pretty, she don’t try to learn anything else.

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If your ship comes in, there’ll be a tax man around to do a good docking job.

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A woman can think of more things to say over a phone in ten minutes than I can think of in a week.

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Don’t put off till tomorrow something that ought to be done today – get somebody else to do it.

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Sign in a bar: Please sit down while the room is in motion.

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Sympathy is what one girl offers another in exchange for details

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The way some folks worry about the world you’d think they expected to live here always.

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Lots of folks don’t have enough religion to use some every day, so they save it up for Sunday.

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My eyesight is sorter petering out, but I can still see a lot mor’n I can understand.

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Why a boy that rides a bicycle in city traffic doesn’t get killed at least three time a day, I don’t know.

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A fellow can save a lot of time and trouble by not arguing with fools, traffic cops and women.

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There is mighty few folks impolite enough to interrupt money when it’s talking.

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A feller nearly always gets in deep water when he sets out to drown his troubles in drink.

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When your nose is to the grindstone, a lot of folks takes advantage of your position and kick you in the pants.

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The modern girl’s hair may look like a mop but that doesn’t bother the modern girl—she doesn’t know what a mop looks like.

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You have to step on the toes of some folks to keep them from getting their feet on your neck.

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No matter how expert a woman may be at sewing, there ain’t much she kin do about mending her husband’s ways.

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I ain’t never been able to understand why a woman is always saying she ain’t got nothing to wear, when it takes three closets to hold it.

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Man is supposed to be an intelligent being, but you shore couldn’t guess it from reading the daily news of his doings.

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It’s usually when a man begins to feel his age that he has the hardest time being it.

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Death ain’t as well thought of as it ought to be, because it’s the only cure for old age.

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A few folks is trying to leave footprints on the sands of time, but a bigger number of them is trying to cover their tracks.

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If you carry a chip around on your shoulder it’s just a matter of time before somebody ups and knocks your block off.

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A sot ain’t never so poor he can’t round up the price of a drink, or a nation so bankrupt it can’t finance a war.

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In some cases it’s hard to decide whether it’d be cheaper to tell the truth or hire a lawyer.

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If you think twice before you speak, the other feller will beat you to the draw and hog the conversation.

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It’s true the Indians didn’t develop this country when they had it; but on the other hand, they didn’t mortgage it either.

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It’s only natural that the more a fellow’s head runs to bone, the harder it is.

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A feller with a level head don’t never wear a high hat.

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A failure is a feller that don’t ever work unless he feels like it.

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One of the easiest things to understand and the hardest to learn is that the time to save money is when you’ve got some.

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When a woman asks a man a lot of questions, she ain’t seeking information she’s trying to catch him in a lie.

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Of course, a preacher oughtn’t to take no part in politics—if he ain’t on your side.

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Another reason why money is so popular is that it’ll git you in most anywhere and out of most anything.

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The average feller don’t believe in signs unless they point the way he wants to go anyhow.

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You must never judge a woman’s cooking by the cake she takes to a church social.

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No matter what goes wrong, the average man will figger out some way to blame it on his wife or the Government.

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About nine times out of ten a woman will respond to a question by asking another question.

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He has two sons, one in politics, and the other isn’t much good either.

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A feller don’t stick his neck out if he’s got something valuable on the top end of it.

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The reason a man can’t git anywhere arguing with a woman is because she asks so many questions he can’t answer.

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The average American is a funny feller that will mighty nigh break his neck to save ten minutes he ain’t got a bit of use for.

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If you talk hoss sense these days, a lot of folks will give you the hoss laugh.

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Women are more dangerous to men than whiskey, because whiskey will let a man alone if he’ll let it alone.

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The best doctors mix lots of common sense with their drugs.

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I was happier back in the old days when I didn’t have no radio to pipe the troubles of the world into my living room.

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Many a feller whose heart bleeds with sympathy for the poor has got a pocket that’s leak proof.

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I expect can openers has broken up more homes than blondes have.

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I’ve heard a lot of folks say money won’t bring happiness, but nary a one of ‘em had as much as $500 in the bank.

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Have you ever noticed that folks that claim they don’t believe in hell do more’n their share in raising it.

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One little watch said to the other little watch: “We must always tick together.â€

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A two-dollar bill ain’t unlucky these days because it comes in mighty handy for buying a dollar’s worth of something.

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A skunk don’t smell so bad when he’s helping you fight a rattlesnake.

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A fellow can hide a lot of stupidness by being solemn.

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Sin and circuses don’t ever live up to their advance advertising.

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It ain’t no use to pray for the fish to bite if you don’t bait your hook.

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There ain’t no way to put a truckload of education on a wheelbarrow brain.

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I’ve always wondered how fools manage To get hold of so much money to part with.â€

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A pitiful case is a woman about to bust from keeping a secret she can’t afford to tell.

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About all man has learned in the past quarter of a century is how to go faster and make more fuss.

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Life may not be worth living some of the time, but there ain’t no time it don’t beat dying.

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A feller kin say what he pleases at home—nobody don’t pay no attention to him there.

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A man gets forty times as much satisfaction out of voting against an enemy than voting for a friend.

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Many a feller has got hit in the head by a coconut while looking up his family tree.

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It’s usually easier in the long run to do what you ought to do than to try to explain why you didn’t.

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A fellow hasn’t much vision that can’t see beyond his pocketbook.

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A lot of folks wouldn’t part with their troubles if they could – they get too much enjoyment out of talking about ‘em.

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The biggest favor you kin do lots of folks is to give ‘em an excuse to bellyache.

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The fellow that thinks he’s looking down on somebody has usually got a poor sense of direction.

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An easy way to get the reputation of being peculiar is to think a lot and say what you think.

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It’s only natural that folks that hurry through life get through it quicker.

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I took a good look at a hippopotamus the other day and wondered how he could get any enjoyment out of being a hippopotamus.

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Another mistake a lot of folks make is rating a fellow by what he’s got, instead of by what he is.

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In most cases it looks like life is too short a time for a fellow to learn how to live in.

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About the time I decide the world can’t get any crazier, another headline hits me in the face,

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It ain’t Atlas that’s carrying the world around on his shoulders—it’s Old Man Ultimate Consumer.

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It ain’t so much that a man’s skeered of women, as it is he hates to get cussed out by somebody he can’t sock in the jaw.

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A man shows his age a long time before he learns to be it.

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Many a woman can’t be convinced a man loves her unless he breaks her heart.

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An intelligent girl is one who knows how to refuse a kiss without being deprived of it.

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Isn’t it strange that most folks can’t hang on to their manners and a steering wheel at the same time.

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Those who pride themselves on being hard boiled are usually only half-baked.

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One trouble with the country is that so many folks are making more money than they earn and others are spending more’n they make.

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It’s a funny thing, but the less mind a fellow has got, the harder time he has making it up.

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Two ways to kiss money good-bye is to loan it to kin-folks or bet on the other fellow’s game.

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It’s well and good to help the underdog, but don’t roll up your pants leg.

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A fellow that sits on a neutral fence gets shot in the pants by both sides.

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Uncle Sam must think there’s a taxpayer born every 30 seconds.

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Another trouble with the world is that most folks want more’n they’re willing to work for.

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I’ve been hearing all my life that right will prevail, I wish somebody would tell me when.

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If a feller is a bachelor it’s because no woman ever figured he was worth running down and hog-tying.

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No matter how sorry a fellow is, a hound dog will take up with him, and some widow woman will marry him.

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Love makes the world go around, but then so does a good swallow of tobacco juice.

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If there is plenty room at the top, why is so much shoving going on up there?

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There ain’t no fool like an old fool—and it’s a lot of fun to be around one sometimes.

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Lots of women don’t get to the end of a sentence till they run out of breath.

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Most free advice ain’t worth no more’n it costs.

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The feller that invented credit shore started a mess of trouble in this world.

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Ain’t nobody as wise, or as big a fool, as you think he is.

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They say little George Washington didn’t lie but, then, he didn’t have no wife to ask him how he liked her new hat.

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The Civil Service retirement fund deduction started July 1, 1942.

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Methuselah lived nearly a thousand years, and he didn’t know a vitamin from a dog’s hind leg.

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A feller won’t get very far in this world if he has to keep stopping to cover up his tracks.

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