One Liners Two

[snowyday]

I reckon the hardest thing to learn how to play is second fiddle.

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Maybe the worst is yet to come—but maybe you won’t be here when it happens.

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A feller ought to live so that the preacher that has to preach his funeral won’t be embarrassed.

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No matter how little a feller knows about religion, he figures he knows enough to argue about it.

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There’s a mighty fine line between keeping your chin up and sticking your neck out.

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An era of prosperity is mighty fine, but it sure costs a lot to live through it.

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An old-fashioned girl is one who doesn’t drink them.

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Deep reservoirs prove the heights to which water can rise when rivers keep their dammed mouths shut.

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Freedom of speech is precious, but lots of times when a feller uses it he gets into trouble.

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In the good old days a man down to his last dollar at least had three meals ahead.

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Another example of misery loving company is a good-for-nothing man and a poor hound dog.

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There never was anything made but what someone else could make it worse and sell it for less.

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Folks don’t judge you by what you plan to do tomorrow, but by what you done yesterday.

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It isn’t surprising that the bigger mouth a fellow has, the oftener he puts his foot in it.

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Free advice is generally worth just about what it costs.

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There may be a lot of satisfaction in growing old, but there ain’t much future to it.

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Lies don’t live as long as the truth, but their birth rate is a whole lot higher.

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Most people don’t understand money because they don’t keep it long enough to get acquainted with it..

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About the only time I agree with politicians is when they’re low-rating each other.

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A lot of times the feller that cries on your shoulder is trying to soak you.

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Little boys would learn to write much sooner if blackboards had the appeal of fresh cement.

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It is rare that a feller lives up to the expectations of his neighbors or down to their suspicions.

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Violent exercise after 50 is especially harmful, if you do it with a knife and fork.

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It don’t do a feller much good to have a lot of guts if everybody hates ‘em.

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A hick town these days in one that ain’t got no parking problem.

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In spite of everything, most folks seem to have a lot of fun just being folks.

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If you’ll leave your worries behind and go fishing, most of ‘em will die a natural death.

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A fat woman tells me that just licking a postage stamp makes her gain weight.

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If nobody owned cars, but folks that could afford to own ‘em, they’d be plenty parking spaces.

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Reno is where couples who said “I do†say adieu.

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The vacuum cleaner is a windbag sometimes peddled by one.

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My conscience don’t hurt me for lying when somebody asks me something that ain’t none of their business.

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Playing a slot machine is usually just a quick way of transferring money from a sucker to a crook.

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I ride in airplanes sometimes, but I always sit mighty light.

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It’s always sorter funny to me to hear a farmer say he’s opposed to gambling.

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I see where a feller climbed a tree to escape a bull and rammed his head into a hornet’s nest, life is like that.

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The reason so many rich couples get divorces is because they don’t have no mortgages to tie them together.

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Next to a pair of healthy and lively kittens, a fat and jolly woman gits the most fun out of life.

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I know an old feller that’s a failure as a one-hoss farmer that knows exactly how to run the government.

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There’s a whole lot more freedom of speech than anybody but the foolhardy will dare use.

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I ain’t never been able to figger out why the less a woman wears, the more it costs.

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Speed regulation is the wise little dog running just fast enough to allow the pursued cat to reach a tree.

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Sometimes I wonder if the good don’t die young because they’re given time off for good behavior.

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When age comes on, men get sadder and wiser, but women get sadder and wider.

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There’s a lot of folks living in the same house that don’t live in the same world.

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To be insulted by an enemy, don’t worry me near as much as to be slighted by a friend.

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Eating three light meals during the Day, and then eating like a hoss at bedtime won’t make nobody thin.

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Sometimes I wish I wasn’t too much of a gentleman to shake a tough, sassy kid till his teeth rattled.

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Nearly everybody I talk with could straighten out the world in a week or so if they were placed in charge of it.

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