snowyday

A motorist whose car broke down one night on a lonely road in Northern Ireland found humble but hospitable accommodation in a small croft nearby. Next morning his breakfast consisted mainly of a large bowl of porridge. During the meal he was astonished to find himself rather popular with a small pig, which nuzzled against his legs in a most affectionate and persistent manner. At last he remarked to his host: “Your pig seems to have taken a great liking to me. I didn’t know a pig could be so affectionate.†“Oh, it’s not you it likes,†was the Irishman’s reply. “It’s just that you’re using his bowl.†* * * * snowyday

The young man wrapped his arms around the pretty girl. “My darling,’ he breathed “you’re all the world to me. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I love----- At that moment, the doorbell rang. The girl jumped up. It’s my fiancé,†she gasped. “You must leave at once. Oh, hurry.†The young man looked around nervously. “But how am I going to leave?†he asked anxiously. “I can’t go out by the door. Your fiancé would see me.†The girl thought quickly. “Jump out of the window,†she advised. “But we’re on the thirteenth floor.†The girl stamped her foot. “So what?†she rasped. “At this stage are you going to tell me you’re superstitious.†* * * * snowyday

They tell a story about Mark Twain who was visiting at a neighbor’s home. He picked up an interesting book and asked the friend if he could read it. “You’re welcome to it, but I must ask you to read it here,†the neighbor said. “I make it a rule never to let any book out of my library.†Later in the summer, the same neighbor wanted to borrow Twain’s lawnmower. “You’re welcome to it,†Twain said. “But I must ask you to use it here. I make it a rule never to let my lawnmower out of the yard. * * * * snowyday

And then there was the man who, after twenty-odd years, was finally being released, cured, from a mental institution. The great day dawned. His going-away clothes laid out, he stood shaving. At the precise moment that he bent down to rinse his razor, the mirror over the washstand took leave of it’s moorings, slid to the basin, and bounced on the floor. Straightening, the chap gazed at the expanse of blank wall, then threw his razor down and started shaking clenched fists. Tears streaming down his face, he sobbed: “Look what I’ve gone and done! Half my life I’ve spent in this place, and the day I get out. I have to go and cut my head off!†* * * snowyday

The woman sitting in the specialist’s waiting room was portly. At a summons from an attendant, she arose and waddled into the specialist’s sanctum. The doctor threw up his hands in horror. My good woman!†he exclaimed, “you are stouter than ever! Have you been following the treatment I prescribed? Are you quite sure you ate exactly what I ordered?†“Everything,†replied the patient. “And nothing else?†“Nothing whatever,†she replied. “Except of course, my regular meals.†* * * * snowyday

Accompanied by a driver, an American major in a motor vehicle was stopped by the sentry on guard at a cross-road. “Who goes there?†“One American major, one-ton truck of fertilizer and one buck private.†They were allowed to proceed, but at every cross-road they went through the same formula. After a time the driver asked if they were likely to be stopped again. “I guess so,†replied the major. “Well, major,†said the private, “the next time we are stopped would you mind giving me priority over the fertilizer?†* * * snowyday

A big business tycoon appeared at his office one morning complaining of a violent headache. His staff gathered around him to sympathize, and a junior clerk volunteered the following: “I had a terrible headache not long ago, but it didn’t last long. My wife pulled me over on the sofa with her and gave me a great big kiss. Believe it or not, the pain disappeared immediately.†The sufferer reached for his hat. I’ve tried everything else,†he moaned. “Is your wife home now?†* * * * snowyday

“I hear you sold your pig.†“Yep, sold him this morning.†“What did you get for him?†“Eight dollars.†“What did it cost you to raise him?†“Paid $3 for him and $5 for feed.†“Didn’t make much, did he?†“Nope, but I had his company all fall.†* * * * snowyday

In the house of a certain ancient family in Teviotdale in Scotland, it was the custom to place in the sleeping apartment of each guest a Bible, along with a bottle of strong ale. Now it happened that on one occasion a number of clergymen spent the night there, and, following another custom, several of the reverend gentlemen were lodged together in one large barrack room. The butler took care that each of the divines was presented with a Bible and a bottle of ale. The servant had scarcely left the room when a whispered conference was held, and he was quickly recalled to the chamber. “My friend,†one of the venerable gentlemen said to him, “you must know that when we meet together as brethren, the youngest minister reads aloud a portion of the Scriptures to the rest. Only one Bible, therefore, is necessary. Take away then the other six and bring six bottles of ale instead.†* * * * snowyday

At the weigh-in of the two fighters. Punch-Pixied Pete was found to be an ounce overweight. His manager moaned: “What’ll we do, Pete?†Then brightening, he exclaimed: “I know! We’ll have your teeth pulled. That’ll lighten you up an ounce!†“Dirty double-crosser!†bellowed Pete’s opponent, Numb-Knuckle Newcomb. I want to knock ‘em out tomorrow night!†* * * * snowyday

Some years ago a certain young man filled with the pioneering spirit was attracted by the offer of free land in northwestern Ontario. He put his meager capital in his pocket, flung a pack over his shoulder, and fared forth to the promised land. There he found temporary shelter in the home of an old settler. After supper his hospitable host threw some bones to his dog. The animal instantly seized the biggest bone, wheeled about, and raced down the valley and over the mountain and out of sight. What’s the matter with that dog?†asked the visitor. “He’s gone to bury a bone, I guess,†the old settler replied. “But he’s miles away and running like an express train,†the other protested. “Yes,†said the old settler, “but the fact is that the soil is kind o’ rocky ‘round here, and he knows he will have to go a matter of ten or fifteen miles before he finds earth enough to cover his bone—and he wants to get home before dark.†The next morning the pioneering young man returned to the States, and is now following the thrilling occupation of fish farmer on an Alabama plantation. * * * * snowyday

Zeke was dead. A wonderful funeral was in progress. The preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased brother, what an honest man he was, what a good provider he was, what a loving husband and a kind father. At length the widow whispered to one of her offspring: “Go up thar and take a look in that coffin and see if that’s your pa.†* * * * snowyday

A sergeant was asking some recruits why walnut was used for the butt of a rifle. “Because it has more resistance.†Said one man. “Wrong.†“Because it is more elastic.†“Wrong.†“Perhaps it’s because it looks nicer than any other wood,†volunteered another, timidly. “Don’t be stupid,†snapped the sergeant. “It’s simply because it was laid down in Regulations.†* * * * snowyday

The visitor was from the hills of Kentucky and he was in California. His host had taken him to the beach to see the ocean, and as they gazed out across the wide expanse of water the host said: “Look at that beautiful ocean. See how those huge waves come rolling in.†What do you think of it?†“Well,†drawled the unimpressed visitor, “is that all it does?†* * * * snowyday

The great liner was laboring in a heavy sea, but the captain assured his passengers that there was really no great danger. But one mousy little fellow persisted in inquiring again and again. “Are you sure we’re not going to sink, captain?†At last the captain lost his temper and demanded. “What are you – a coward?†“Not at all,†the little man assured him. “I’m not the least bit afraid.†“Then,†said the captain, “you must want to tell your friend good-bye before we go down.†“No, no, it’s not that!†the mousy little passenger protested. “Then, in Heaven’s name, why do you ask me every five minutes if we’re going to sink?†the captain demanded. “Well, if you must know,†the anxious passenger rejoined. “I’ve got my mother-in-law on board with me, and if you should become certain – quite certain – that we’re going down. I want to know. “There’s a few things I’d like to tell her!†* * * * snowyday

The big business man had died and gone to – well, not to Heaven. But hardly had he settled down for a nice long smoke when a hearty hand slapped him on the back, and into his ear boomed the voice of a persistent salesman who had pestered him on earth. “Well, Mr. Smith,†chortled the salesman. “I’m here for the appointment.†“What appointment?†“Why don’t you remember?†the salesman went on. Every time I entered your office on earth you told me you’d see me here!†* * * * snowyday

It had taken the entire morning for Zeke to tow the tourist’s disabled car from Turkey Track Spring down to the settlement at Whittle Porch Clearing. When he finally returned home, with his weary old mule hitched to the ramshackle cart, his wife came out on the porch and said: “How much did you charge that city feller for towin’ him?’ “Fifty cents,†Zeke answered. “Guess t’wasn’t too much. Leastwise, he didn’t kick up a fuss.†“Fifty cents!†echoed his indignant wife. “I swear, Paw, sometimes I wish you’d pull the cart and let the mule handle the executive end of things!†* * * * snowyday

This article is from a very old newspaper and I thought someone might like to read it. Two years after the War Between the States, Admiral Farragut sailed the frigate “Franklin†into European waters on a special mission. Attempting to pass through the Bosphorus into the Black Sea, the redoubtable Admiral was informed that there was a rule that no naval vessel was permitted to enter the sea except when there was a member of the royal family on board. To which the Admiral’s secretary replied: “There are on board the Franklin 285 members of the American royal family, any one of whom might someday become president of the Republic!†The ship was permitted to pass. * * * * snoywday

Called upon to officiate at the funeral of a stranger, the minister was well along with the service before he realized to his horror that although he knew the name of the departed – which might have been masculine or feminine – he didn’t know whether he was talking about a deceased man or woman. Finally the point came when he simply had to know. While the choir sang a hymn, the minister beckoned to a mourner, pointed to the casket and hoarsely whispered: “Brother or Sister?” And the mourner whispered back: “Cousin.” * * * * snowyday

Two brothers, one a famous baseball pitcher, the other a minister, met after a long separation. Some time was spent in exchanges of reminiscences. Finally the minister said, “How is it, Bill – I spent four years in college and three in seminary, and you’ve never done anything but play ball. Now you’re getting a salary of $30,000, and I’m getting $3,000. I can’t understand it.†Bill thought a minute, then said: “I’ll tell you how it is, Jim; it’s all in the delivery. May 27, 1950 newspaper * * * * snowyday

A certain well-known gambler failed to pay a large note when it became due and, in consequence, the loan shark who had it waxed highly indignant and berated the debtor in bitter and extremely uncomplimentary terms. Whereupon the gambler, greatly insulted, poked a pistol in the lender’s ribs and barked: “Eat that note, you lily-livered dollar grabber.†With some difficulty, the money lender chewed up the document and swallowed it. A few weeks later, to his utter amazement and delight, the gambler fell into a highly profitable run of luck, and paid off the obligation in full. A little later the gambler came to the money lender and applied for another loan. He was quickly and cheerfully accommodated. There was a thoughtful expression in the money lender’s eyes as the gambler took out his pen and prepared to make out a note to cover the obligation. “Wait a minute!†the money lender cried. “Would you mind writing that on a soda cracker.†* * * * snowyday

Entering a lawyer’s office, in a small “Tennessee†town, a buxom wife from the hills said: “I ain’t a complaining woman, Mr. Smith, but my husband ain’t doin’ rite. When one of our mules died, he hitched me up with the other one to a plow.†“Why, that’s inhuman!†declared the lawyer. “Do you want a divorce?†“Nope,†she answered. “But I’ve about worked that skinny old mule to death, and he ought to have a rest.†* * * * snowyday

Laurence F. Whittemore, the pulp company executive and famous New England story teller, recently told the Advertising Club of Boston about the New Hampshire farmer who had a quarrel with his wife at breakfast. Disgruntled and angry, he spent the day up in the back lot cutting wood. As night came, he was reluctant to go home, knowing that his wife was ready to give him another scolding. But he finally started back to the house. As he came over the brow of the hill and looked down he saw his wife, armed with a broom, trying to chase a skunk away from the woodshed. With a smile, he sat down on the hillside and lighted his pipe. “I’m going to enjoy this,†he said to himself, because I don’t give a cuss which side wins.†* * * * snowyday

A routine check-up disclosed nothing serious so the puzzled medico began to ask questions: “Do you smoke?†“Oh, no,†said the patient. “Do you drink?†was the next question. “Certainly not,†the patient answered. “Rum holds no temptation for me. I believe firmly in prohibition.†“Well, then,†tried the doctor, “have you ever kissed a girl?†“No,†was the reply. “And I never shall until I am legally married.†The doctor thought a minute and then asked: “Do you happen to have any pains in the front of your head?†“Yes, doctor, and in the back of my head, too,†came the response. “That explains it,†said the doctor. “Your halo is too tight.†* * * * snowyday

Asked where her husband might be found, his wife replied that he had gone fishing. “Just walk down to the bridge,†she suggested caustically, “and look around until you find a rod with a worm on each end. * * * snowyday