snowyday

A Hollywood producer received a story entitled, “The Optimist.†He called his staff together and said: “Gentlemen, this title must be changed to something simpler. We’re intelligent and know what an optimist is, but how many of those morons who’ll see the picture will know he’s an eye-doctor? * * * * snowyday

Whistler, the artist, had a French poodle of which he was very fond. The poodle was very sick with an infection of the throat one day, and Whistler had the audacity to send for the great throat specialist, Mackenzie. When Mackenzie saw that he had been called to treat a dog, he felt incensed, but said nothing. He prescribed, pocketed a big fee, and drove away. The next day he sent posthaste for Whistler, and Whistler, thinking he was summoned on some matter connected with his beloved dog, dropped his work and rushed to the home of Mackenzie. On arrival the great specialist said gravely: “How do you do, Mr. Whistler? I wanted to see you about having my front door painted.†* * * * snowyday

An asylum patient who had been certified cured was saying goodbye to the director of the institution. “And what are you going to do when you go out into the world?†asked the director. “Well,†said the patient. “I have passed my bar examinations so I may practice law. I have also had quite a bit of experience in college dramatics, so I may become an actor.†He paused for a moment, deep in thought. “Then on the other hand,†he continued. “I may be a teakettle.†* * * * snowyday

A man asked a Scots fellow-traveler for the time as they were journeying by train from the North to London. The Scot looked up from his book and replied: “You only want to know the time to get into conversation with me, and if, we get into conversation we shall become friendly, and when we get to London you’ll ask me to have a drink and I’ll ask you to have a drink, and we’ll have another drink, and then I shall ask you to lunch, and you will visit my house, where I have a beautiful daughter, and you will visit my house again, and one day you’ll come and ask me if you can marry my daughter and why the blazes should I give consent to a man who can’t afford to buy a watch?†* * * * snowyday

There seemed to be nothing in the world that Private Sawtell couldn’t do. Around Manila, where he served, they called him “the most versatile man in the Army. One day, when an officer wanted a haircut and the barber was away, Private Sawtell volunteered to do the job. Were you ever a barber? Asked the officer. Yes, sir, replied Sawtell, I was a barber for three years. A few days later another officer, heartily tired of the regular camp rations, wanted a special dish prepared. I can prepare it, sir, said Private Sawtell, saluting. Did you ever cook? He was asked. Yes, Sir; three years experience, sir. The dish was marvelous. Three days later the colonel’s horse threw a shoe, Private Sawtell fixed it. After that he was, successively, dentist, letter-writer, watch-repairer, leading tenor in the camp show, and a dozen other things. In all these tasks he claimed long experience, and in all he served superlatively well. “Private Sawtell,†said the colonel, “I have a warrant for your arrest. Seems you’re badly wanted back in the United States. You have been a particularly valuable man, Sawtell, and I hate to lose you, particularly as you will have to go to prison.†“Oh, that’s all right, colonel,†replied Sawtell. “I’ve had experience – four years in Leavenworth.†* * * snowyday

A certain prominent temperance worker was told that there was widespread drunkenness among the Indians on a far-western reservation, and decided to go there and work for the cause of sobriety and industry. Progress was slow, but the dry advocate persevered. One cold night, a drunken Indian, on the way home, lay down in a snow-drift and froze to death. The temperance worker, though deploring the tragic occurrence, saw in the incident an opportunity of pointing out a powerful moral in the cause of abstinence. At the inquest, which was attended by all the leading members of the tribe, the temperance worker said. “My friends, you have heard the evidence, and you all know how this poor Indian indulged in strong drink and while under the influence fell down in the snow and froze to death. Beware of intoxicating liquors!” But the chief of the tribe, who had been carefully sifting the testimony, had a different opinion. “Indian not killed by whiskey,” he announced. “Indian mix too much water with whiskey, water freeze—water kill Indian!” “I give up!” Cried the temperance worker, and the Indians saw him no more. * * * snowyday

A man and his wife were engaged in a bitter quarrel, when the wife motioned her husband to the window and pointed down the road. Two horses straining on either side of a long, sturdy tongue were drawing a wagon loaded with wood up the hill. “Why can’t we pull together like that?†She demanded. “Well,†replied the husband, with a wink, “if we had only one tongue between us like those horses we could.†* * * * snowyday

A house agent had a farm on his books which was supposed to be haunted, and to prove rumor wrong he decided to engage a man to stay there for one night. The following day he was up early and went by, to see how the man had fared. On the lawn he discovered the remains of a window sash and shutters completely wrecked, but of the watchman there was no sign. Four days later the house agent came across him tramping along a country lane three miles away. “Hello, George!†he cried. “Where have you been all this time?’ The man wiped the perspiration from his brow. “Boss,†he replied, “I’ve been coming back.†* * * * snowyday

An elderly woman living in the wild untamed vastness of the Tennessee mountains fell ill and a doctor was summoned. He prescribed some medicine in the form of capsules, but he found it very difficult to induce his patient to take them. She finally agreed. A few days later her son finding her sitting up and feeling much better, suggested she celebrate her improvement with a smoke from her old pipe. He filling her old pipe, and taking a live coal from the hearth, carried both to his mother. “Take that away,†cried the old woman in terror. “Don’t you know better than to come near me with that fire while I’ve got those cartridges in me.†* * * snowyday

An acid mouth spinster constituted herself O.C. Morals in a sleepy village. One day she dropped in on Giles, a jobbing gardener noted for his joviality. “Giles,†she said, “I’m ashamed that you should set such an example. Why, yesterday I saw your wheelbarrow outside the ‘Fox and Badger’ pub for two hours!†Giles didn’t say a word. That night he left his wheelbarrow outside the spinster’s house. from 1947 * * * (O. C. stood for Old Covenant Morals) mds

A man was passing a bar when a figure hurtled out of the door and landed in the gutter. A small fellow picked himself up and said angrily to the passerby: “They think they can get away with that! I’ll throw every one of them out.†“You stay here and count ‘em.†In went the little man. A moment later a body landed in the gutter. “One, “counted the passer-by. “No, it’s me again,†said the little man. * * * * snowyday

Sending a telegram to his wife—really to announce his safe arrival at his destination after a long train journey—a soldier filled in the telegram form: “Darling, darling, darling, darling, darling.†“With the address, that makes 11 words,†said the post office assistant. “You’re allowed another word.†“But there’s nothing else I want to say,†said the soldier. “you could always put in another “darling,’ suggested the assistant. The soldier pondered for a spell. “Don’t you think that would look rather silly?†he asked. * * * snowyday

“One day,†said the old country-man from the hills of Tennessee, who was on trial for murder, “when my rheumatism was pestering me, and my daughter had just eloped with a good-for-nothing scalawag, and my barn had burned down and I lost both my mules, and my best old sow got the chlorea and died, and I just heard they had foreclosed on the mortgage and the sheriff was lookin’ for me, I told my troubles to one of these here optimists, and he said “Cheer up, old top, the worst is yet to come!†So I shot him. * * * Snowyday

The young attorney was browbeating the elderly witness cruelly, and the old gentleman was showing his resentment by a stubborn reluctance to answer the questions that were being put to him. “Tell me, how old are you?†the lawyer demanded. Seventy-two,†the witness replied, after some hesitation. “Your memory,†the lawyer insinuated, “is not so acute and brilliant as it once was—say ten years ago—is it?†“I do not know but it is,†was the reply. “Very well,†challenged the attorney. “Tell something that happened ten years ago.†“Do I have to do that?†the witness appealed to the judge. “You had better answer the question,†the judge advised. For a moment it seemed like the old boy was going to refuse to answer the challenge. The probing lawyer was exultant. “I demand that you answer the question, sir,†he ordered. At length the old man sighed, and replied. “Very well.†A moment’s pause, and then: Mr. Attorney, I remember your father coming into my office ten years ago, saying: Mr. Henderson, my son is to be examined tomorrow, and I wish you would lend me $15 to buy him a new suit of clothes.†I remember that, and I remember also, as if it were only yesterday, that he never paid me back. Will that do?†“No more questions,†the young lawyer replied. * * * snowyday

A man on the coast of Florida wrote to a New York store for a new barometer. When it arrived he unpacked it and discovered that the instrument was set at “Hurricane.†He tapped it, and it did not budge. He hung it up, tapped it again, and still it did not budge. Very angry, he wrote a strong letter to the store and then went out to mail it. When he returned his house as well as the new barometer had blown away. * * * * snowyday P.S. I don't write them, I just copy them from old newspapers.

Alice’s new beau had hardly got seated on the parlor sofa when her little brother brought him a glass of water.†The young man drank it and returned the glass to the small boy who looked disgusted. “He don’t,†he said audibly to his sister. “Doesn’t what, dear?†said the girl. “Why, he don’t drink any different from anyone else, and pop said he drank like a fish.†* * * * snowyday

A woman who had driven the other members of a first-aid class nearly frantic by her continual criticism of the whole idea turned up one morning a complete convert—first-aid training was a wonderful thing. “Why,†she said, yesterday I was sitting at home when I heard a screeching of brakes and then a terrific crash. Two cars had upturned right in front of our gate and four people were lying in the road. One woman had a deep cut in her arm, two men had broken legs and another severe lacerations of the face. But, thank heaven, I remembered exactly what you had taught me. So I bent over and put my head between my knees—and I didn’t faint. * * * snowyday

The trucker was very much surprised to get a call from a man who said he had to have a dead horse, but nevertheless offered to help. The dead horse was found. “Now,†said the ‘client,’ “I want you to drive to my house with him.†By now the trucker thought the man was crazy, but he was getting paid for the job, so off he went. Arriving at the house, he was told to take the dead horse in and up to the bathroom and put it in the bath tub. “You mean to say you want this dead horse put in your bath tub?†“That’s what I said†So the dead horse was placed in the bath tub, with much effort. But when he had been paid the trucker could stand it no longer. “Now look here.†He said, “just why did you want him put in your bath tub?†“Well,†came the reply. “It’s like this, I’ve got a brother-in-law living with me and he’s too darned smart, everything you tell him he knows it first. Now he’s going to come home pretty soon, and he’ll go into the bathroom and then he’ll come running down to me and tell me there’s a dead horse in the bath tub, and I’ll say, ‘sure,’ I knew that an hour ago.†* * * snowyday

Two sailors returning to their base late one night lost their way. Said Joe: “Hey Mac, we must be in the cemetery. There’s a gravestone.†“Yeah,†said Mac. “Whose is it?†Joe lit a match and replied, “I dunno but he sure lived to a ripe old age of 175.†“Well, what’s his name?†insisted Mac. Joe lit another match and replied, Some guy named Miles from Memphis. * * * snowyday

The barmaid was a flirt, and, when the corporal went out to buy a paper she leaned invitingly over the bar with her face close to the private’s. “Now’s your chance, darling†she whispered. The private looked around the room. It was empty. “So it is,†he remarked—and promptly drained the corporals glass. * * * Snowyday

The youthful mountaineer from Kentucky was serving his first week in the Army. He walked out of the barracks and came face to face with his commanding officer. “Mawnin’, mister, he said in greeting. The C.O. halted him, and then proceeded to take him to task for not saluting. “Land sakes,†the youngster said when the lecture was finished. “If I’d knowed you was gonna carry on so, I wouldn’t a spoke a-tall.†1946 * * * Snowyday

Natives of the New Guinea mountain country looked upon U. S. Army doctors as miracle men, capable of any accomplishment they desire. This often led to complications while American forces were occupying the island. One day, a village chief, or head man, appeared at a field installation. He was suffering a severe toothache, and was told that the torturing molar would have to be pulled. “Okay,†he said. “But when Merica-fella stop ache, me want tooth put back in.†* * * Snowyday

As the battalion marched on, one weary soldier fell out. Sitting down by the roadside he took off his boots to rest his feet. “How far is it to the camp?†he asked a passing farmhand. “About four miles as the crow flies†was the reply. “Ay,†replied the soldier, “but s’pose the blinkin’ crow had to carry a rifle and pack weighing ‘arf a ton and with blisters on both heels, how far is it then?†* * * Snowyday

"from the forties" The sergeant was trying to train an awkward squad of recruits from New Jersey. “Ten shun! About turn!†he roared. Then, as he viewed the hopeless mix-up, he went on: “As you were!†Most of the men shuffled into the last position, but Private Jones stood still, looking vacantly ahead. “You!†snapped the sergeant. I said “As you were!†“I ‘eard, sarge,†replied Jones, un-happily, “but ‘ow were I?†* * * Snowyday

A Red Cross worker on a remote Pacific island called the Army command to report a disease peculiar to the tropics: “We have a case of beriberi here. What shall we do?†The following reply came: “Give it to the Sea Bees, they’ll drink anything.†* * * Snowyday