snowyday

An inquisitive Yankee, visiting Kentucky in 1922, was introduced to Col. Colby. “Did you serve in the Confederate Army?†he inquired. “Oh, no, suh,†answered the colonel. “Well, you must have been in the Union Army.†“Certainly not, suh!†“State militia?†“No, suh, I have never served in any military organization.†The Northerner persisted, “Well, then you must be one of those honorary colonels the governor appoints.†he said. “Still not right, suh,†firmly replied the old gentleman. “Many men have official, judicial and military titles who are not entitled to them, but I came by mine legitimately. I married the widow of Col. Throckmorton, suh!†* * *

A mother with three youngsters, on the way to a children’s matinee, found a bus seat for the smallest child next to a nun. He gazed at the nun open-mouthed for a moment, but was soon chatting away. When they reached their destination the mother thanked the sister for her patience, and hoped young Johnny had not been a nuisance. “Not at all,†the nun replied, smiling. “But, please, never tell him I’m not really a penguin!†* * *

“Have you ever appeared as a witness in a suit before? Asked the bully-ragging attorney. “Why of course!†replied the young lady on the witness stand. “Then tell the jury just what suit it was!†demanded the attorney. “It was a blue suit, with a white collar and cuffs, and white buttons all the way down the back,†replied the young lady. 1952 trial * * *

Wilson: “Col. Becker says it’s his rule: “Never to take a drink when you feel as if you need one. Old Browning says: ‘Never take a drink except when you need one,†Now what is a fellow going to do?†Johnson: “Follow both rules, and you’ll be all right. * * * *

Mamma: “Where have you been, Johnny?†Johnny: “playing ball.†Mamma (severely): “But I told you to beat the rug, Didn’t I?†Johnny: “No ma’am. You told me to hang the rug on the line and beat it.†* * *

“How did Twickenham lose the election?†“His opponent claimed that Twickenham had at one time made the statement: “There are three kinds of women – the beautiful the intelligent, and the majority.†* * *

A man working in a factory got his coat caught in a revolving wheel. He was whisked up and whirled round and round till the foreman managed to switch off the machine. The workman fell to the ground and up rushed the foreman. “Speak to me, speak to me,†he said. “Why should I, said the workman. “I passed you six times just now and you didn’t speak to me.†* * *

A Don Juan Club in Grenoble, France, has issued the following report on the behavior of foreign women. The German woman is good to her children. The Japanese woman is good to her husband. The Italian woman is good to her parents. The British woman is good to her house. The Dutch woman is good to her church. The American woman is good to herself. February 1959 * * *

Electricity had been installed in a row of houses in a little out-of-the-way village in West Virginia. An inspector was sent there to see how the local residents were finding their new amenity. He knocked on one door and asked the old lady who answered how she liked having electricity in the house. “Oh, it’s grand,†she replied. “Now I can see to light the lamp.†* * * * From a 1946 newspaper

The officer in charge of a party of Royal Engineers constructing a road through a swamp section ordered a 2nd Lieutenant to take fifteen men and get on with the job. Presently the subaltern came to see the colonel. “Sir,†he reported, “the mud is over the men’s heads. We just can’t get through.†“Nonsense†roared the C.O. “Make out a chit for anything you need and I’ll see that you get it.†A few minutes later the 2nd Lieutenant laid this memorandum on the C.O.’s desk: “Need 15 men 18 feet tall to cross swamp 15 feet deep.†* * *

An Indian named Big Smoke was employed as a missionary to his fellow Smokes. A white man asked Big Smoke what he did for a living. “Umph!†said Big Smoke, “me preach.†“That so? What do you get for preaching?†“Me get $10 a year.†“Well,†said the white man, “that’s pretty poor pay.†“Umph!†said Big Smoke: “Me pretty poor preacher.†* * *

Peppery Fiorello H. LaGuardia, three-time Mayor of New York, was known for his quick temper, just as quickly forgotten. Once he ordered two city officials to hand in their resignations by the following morning. The officials, both of whom were honest and competent did not comply with his demand. They waited at their desks for the retribution they were sure would follow. But nothing happened that day or the next. Finally, after six months, they heard from him again, when he informed them that they had been promoted. * * * *

A Bostonian in the newspaper business was a guest in a friend’s home. The friend owns a parrot. It is a very smart parrot. The host placed the bird on his guest’s shoulder. The newspaper man, not very fond of birds, felt ill at ease. While the host was out of the room, he repeatedly told the bird to get off his shoulder. It wouldn’t. Finally the guest gave the parrot a solid push, and got it off. The parrot flew across the room, landed on a shelf, and screamed: “He hit me, he hit me.†* * *

An Indian walked into the bank of a small town to try to get a loan of $200. “How long do you want it for?†the bank manager inquired. The Indian was rather vague. So the manager asked if he had any security. “Me got 200 head cattle,†was the reply, and as this seemed satisfactory the loan was made. A month or so later, the Indian came back with $2,000 in cash and paid off his loan. Then having put the rest of the money in his pocket, he turned to leave. “Why don’t you let me look after the rest of your money for you?†replied the manager. A sudden gleam came into the Indian’s eye. “How many head of cattle you got?†he asked suspiciously. * * *

The city magistrate in Tennessee, noted for his toughness with a drunk, peered with sympathy at the quaking man before the bench. “I’m going to show you I’ve got a heart,†he said, “even though these papers show you have a very serious disease. I hope you’ll go to a doctor immediately. Sentence suspended.†“But Judge,†the defendant tried to interrupt. “Sentence suspended!†His Honor roared, slapping the bench with his gavel. “You’d better go before I change my mind.†“But Judge,†the defendant finally was able to interrupt, “Diabetes is my nickname.†* * *

A rather fragile looking gent was hauled into court for striking his wife, a large buxom woman. “Why did you strike your wife?†the surprised judge asked after appraising the couple. “Well, your honor,†said the defendant softly, “she had her back to me, the broomstick was handy and the back door was wide open. So I took the chance. * * *

Kourting In The Sesuns I luv two kourt in winter, The mani gurls I no, Wen awl outside is drery, And kuvered up with sno; I luv two kourt in winter, Bekawse the old folks dred The kold and stormi wether, And hurri oph to bed. I luv two kourt in spring tyme, When awl is brite and gay, Wen natur smiles so swetely, Two chaise the kold away; I luv two kourt in spring tyme, Bekause the gurls, yu no, They luk so orful prittey, In dresus kut so lo. I luv two kourt in summer, Wen awl thyngs ar in blume, And yet I thynk that kourting, Will ever be mi dume, For I have asked just 21 Of awl the gurls I no, Two have me fur there luvin one, And they have answered No! from the Morristown Gazette of Morristown, Tennessee February 7, 1877 * * *

In the early days of printing much of the work was done by monks, as a result, the printer’s terminology is still full of church words. The composing room is still the “chapel†and has “aisles.†A case of type is called a “font†because holy water fonts were used as type receptacles. The small truck into which used type is dumped is still the “hell box†and the apprentice is a ‘devil’. In addition, there are hundreds of words like stet, dele, quad, folio, octavo, etc., which the printer monks took from the Latin they were accustomed to using. from an old newspaper clipping * * * *

The mule was obstinate, and balking time and time again. But at each halt, the old farmer crawled patiently from the wagon, gathered a handful of dirt and crammed it into the animal’s mouth. Just as often, the mule spat it out. A passerby asked, “Does that do any good?†The farmer squinted at him thoughtfully. “Can’t say for sure, stranger,†he drawled at last. “But leastways, it takes the critter’s mind off what he’s doing.†* * * *

A businessman signed a new fire insurance policy and that night his factory was burned to the ground. The company suspected fraud, but had no proof. The only thing the manager could do was to send the policy-holder the following note. “Sir,--On the twenty-third of the month you took out an insurance policy at 10 a.m. and your fire did not break out until 7 p.m. on that day. Will you kindly explain the delay?†* * * *

A baseball manager was telling a newspaper reporter about a newly acquired player. “My new player is an outfielder named Sentimental Jones,†the manager said, “and we expect big things of him.†“Sentimental is an odd name for a ball player,†“How did he happen to get that name?†“Because he chokes up whenever he holds a bat,†the manager replied. * * * *

Sizes (Follow these directions and you’ll have a good fit.) From June 1957 Hat: Wrap a tape measure around your noggin directly above the aural appendages. This will give you the circumference. But the size of your hat is based on the thickness of your head—not the periphery. So it will be necessary to divide by pi, which everyone knows is 3.1415926 plus. This may sound complicated, but it’s really as easy as pi. Shirt: The size is determined by the circumference, not the diameter of your neck. This may be easily ascertained with a tape measure. However, if you have a flair for mathematics, determine the diameter with calipers and multiply by pi. Coat: Measure the circumference of your torso. If multiple attempts give you varying results, the discrepancy is likely due to respiratory action, without which you would have no need of a coat. Vest: Size doesn’t matter, as vest is used only for patching pants. Trousers: Two measurements are required—length inside the leg, which remains relatively constant after maturity, and circumference at the equator, which is variable, and has a tendency to increase with age. Sox: This is the simplest of all. Place yardstick on floor at right angles and contiguous to the wall, and stand on it with your heels against the wall. If the measurement is 11 ½ inches, you require a size 11 ½ sock; if it measures 24 ½ inches, turn the yardstick around. Shoes: These are measured by barley-corns. If you have none, the metrical equivalent is one third of an inch. Start at four inches for size 1. If you are poor at fractions, but good at cryptograms, try deciphering the code printed inside your present shoes. Mine say 485 40626 10, which means 9 ½. Don’t ask me why. * * *

Highway traffic in America passes to the right, in many other countries to the left. The reason for this goes back to antiquity. In feudal times when swords were used for defense, the rule of the road was “Keep to the Left.†This placed passers on the right within easy reach for swordplay. “America,†however was colonized by musket-bearing people. Muskets must be held at the right shoulder for firing. Thus men passed to the right to keep possible enemies to the left. Although musket bearers are rare on the highways today, America still keeps to the right. Nowadays, the full blast of a horn will do the job nicely either way. (and now you know. MDS) * * * *

The preacher of a small church in a remote section of the country once preached a funeral service for one of the local characters and he explained the deceased’s position in the community thusly: “Now, he wasn’t what you would call a good man, because he never gave his heart to the Lord; but he was what you’d call a respected sinner.†* * * *

One dark night two owls were perched on an exposed branch. They sat snuggled up together, talking happily. Suddenly a heavy shower drenched the pair, and the male bird lapsed into a sullen silence. The female owl tried to get him to talk, but he refused to pay her any attention. Finally she asked: “Don’t you love me anymore?†The muttered reply came: “Too-wet-to-woo, too-wet-to-woo.†* * * *