snowyday

The driver of a tourist bus in Australia conducted his passengers to a look-out where they obtained a fine view of the great Barron Falls in North Queensland. “These falls, ladies and gentlemen,†he said, “are the greatest waterfalls in Australia. May I ask the ladies to cease talking for a few moments so that we may hear the mighty roar of the waters?†* * *

An Indian in New Mexico was smoke-signaling love messages to his Indian girl friend a few miles away. Suddenly, a test nuclear explosion went off, covering the sky with smoke for miles. “Gee,†said the Indian, “I wish I’d said that.†- 1956 - * * *

After examining the patient the doctor said: “I can tell you this, you are suffering from an old chronic complaint.†“I know doctor,†replied the patient, “but lower your voice, she’s in the next room.†* * *

The psychiatrist was advising the worried mother. “I wouldn’t be too upset about your boy making mud pies,†said the doctor, ‘and the fact that he sometimes tries to eat them is also normal.†“Well, I’m still not convinced, doctor,†replied the woman, “and as a matter of fact neither is his wife.†* * *

Prospective Customer: “I thought you said this had its advantages. Look at it: Glue factory to the north, a rubber factory to the south, a vinegar distillery to the east and a gas company to the west.†Real Estate Agent: “Well, the rent is cheap and you’ll always be able to tell which way the wind is blowing.†* * *

A visitor to New Mexico, talking to a sun-browned native, commented on the lack of rain. “Doesn’t it ever rain here,†the tourist asked. “The native thought for a moment and said, “Mister do you remember the story of Noah and the Ark, and how it rained 40 days and 40 nights?†“Sure I do,†said the tourist. “Well,†drawled the native, “we got a half-inch that time.†* * *

“How did your brother die?†“He fell through some scaffolding.†“What was he doing?†“They were hanging him.†* * *

Supper had been ready for a long time when the henpecked husband stole into the house and hung up his hat. “Henry,†said his wife from the dining room, “what do you mean by being two hours late?†“But, darling, I’ve been run over by a truck,†he protested from the hall. “Well, what of it?†she demanded, coldly. “It doesn’t take two hours to get run over.†* * * *

She was very well dressed and as she walked into the fashionable shop, the manager herself came forward to serve her. “I see by your catalogue,†she said, “that you have received two thousand pairs of ladies shoes.†“Yes, madam,†the respectful manager informed her. “Good,†said the girl, sitting down, “I wish to try them on!†* * * *

Ted Sorenson, aide to Senator Kennedy, told a Winthrop audience of the college quarterback who called play number 13 that put over a winning touchdown. When the coach inquired what prompted this play, the quarterback replied, “I saw No. 5 on the jersey of the guard, No. 7 on the tackle, added them and got 13.†“But 7 and 5 make 12,†protested the coach. “Gee, coach,†said the quarterback, “if I had your education, we’d of lost the game.†-1958- * * *

Archie the office boy in a Large corporation was fired and accused of stealing 500 dollars of postage stamps. A crusading young lawyer defended him successfully, and convinced of the youth’s innocence and integrity, wanted to sue the employer for false arrest, defamation of character, etc. “But it will cost at least $500,†the lawyer told Archie. “I think the case is a cinch. Do you think you could raise $500.†“Not in cash but I can give it to you in postage stamps,†Archie said. * * * *

A young soldier was relating his experience in connection with a retreat. The company was in a vulnerable position, and the enemy was closing in rapidly. The officer in charge gave orders to beat a hasty retreat, and as they did so the bullets flew thick and fast past them as they ran for their lives. At the conclusion of his narration, one of the listeners asked him if he was scared. He replied, “no, I wasn’t personally scared, but I passed several soldiers who certainly were.†* * *

After several minutes of futile stabbing at the keyhole, a tipsy husband found the door opened for him by his glaring wife. “Aw, honey, don’t be mad,†he mumbled. “Some of the boys at the office decided to have a contest to see who could drink the most.†“Very interesting,†said his wife acidly. “Who won second prize?â€

After a few words, mostly spoken by the young wife, her hubby sprang to his feet. “You’ve gone too far! “he exclaimed, angrily. “This is our last quarrel. I’m going right out of your life.†“Oh, Henry, darling, where are you going?†she cried. “I’ll find a place where wild adventure will wipe out the memories of this moment – perhaps in the jungle – or on the stormy seas --.†As he spoke he opened the door, then closed it again and turned sternly to his wife. “It’s lucky for you it’s starting to rain,†he said. * * *

Twins who had just celebrated their 95th birthday were the wonder of the village. “And to what do they attribute their age?†a newcomer asked. “One to the fact that he’s an early riser, and the other to the fact that he isn’t.†* * *

City Gal: “My, what a funny cow. Why doesn’t it have horns?†Farmer: “Well, you see, some cows we de-horn; some is born without horns, and some shed ‘em. But the reason this here cow ain’t got horns is, she ain’t a cow—she’s a mule.†* * *

Pilot: “Have you learned the theme song of the parachute corps?†Cadet: “Theme song? What is it?†Pilot: “It don’t mean a thing if you don’t pull the string.†(From 1944) * * * *

Once during a cross-country tour, President Coolidge was scheduled to make a speech at an Indian reservation. The tribal chief said there was a severe drought. “Our rainmakers have prayed, but it hasn’t helped. Soon the fields will lie in waste.†“I know,†said Coolidge. “And when I return to Washington, I’m going to see what can be done about it.†No sooner had he uttered the words than the heavens opened and the rain came pouring down. Coolidge, drenched, looked up at the sky and muttered: “I said ‘when I return to Washington.’†* * *

As the conductor called out the various names of the stations, the mountain couple became more and more uneasy. The conductor called “ADAMS,†then “DUNLAP,†then “MAPLE.†The overalled gentleman turned to his wife and said, “Sarah, don’t you think it’s time for us to get off the train?†“Don’t show your ignorance, Paul,†she said. “Wait ‘til the feller calls your name.†* * *

The psychiatrist was lecturing on the theory that people with handicaps often specialize on their handicapped functions. Thus, people with weak eyes tend to become painters, and so on. Finishing his lecture, he asked for questions. Immediately, this one was pitched at him from the back of the auditorium: “Doctor, wouldn’t your theory mean that weak-minded people tend to become psychiatrists?†* * *

During World War II, a buck private and a sergeant were court-martialed for striking an officer. Asked why he had done it, the sergeant explained that the colonel, while passing down the line of review, had stepped on his sore foot. “Instinctively,†said the sergeant, “I threw up my guard, like anyone would do, and let him have it before I realized what had actually happened. It was an accident, I can assure you.†Then the buck private was asked for his explanation. “Well, you see, sir,†he replied, “when I saw the sergeant strike the colonel, I thought the war was over.†* * *

In Kentucky a man was arrested, charged with the possession of a bottle of corn whisky. The judge frowned and asked the prisoner if he pleaded guilty of possessing illegal moonshine. “Your honor, I’m guilty of having liquor but I am using it as a medicine for my asthma,†the defendant replied earnestly. The judge peered down from the bench. “Does it do you any good?†he asked. The man shrugged his shoulders. “Can’t tell yet, I haven’t finished the bottle.†-1958- * * *

A young soldier was being questioned by a psychiatrist. “Tell me what you dream about at night,†he asked. “Baseball,†replied the soldier. “I dream about it night after night.†“Don’t you ever dream about girls?†asked the puzzled psychiatrist. “What!†exclaimed the soldier, “And miss my turn at bat?†* * *

John Lottajack was deeply touched when he arose to speak at the testimonial dinner given in honor of his fiftieth business anniversary. His voice trembled when he spoke. “When I came to this city,†he said, “I walked down the dusty street. I had no fine automobile. Not even a horse and buggy. My only suit was on my back and the soles of my shoes were getting thin. All my personal possessions I carried in a brown paper sack. “Our city has been good to me. My store prospered. I own a newspaper and radio station. I’m president of our largest bank and I hold controlling interest in a corporation that operates in 257 cities. I’m a member of our leading clubs and I own several business blocks.†After dinner Mr. Lottajack was approached by a lad who shyly asked, “Mister, could you tell me what you carried in that brown paper sack when you came here fifty years ago?†“Sure, son, I can recall every item. In that bag I had $300,000 in cash and $500,000 in negotiable securities.†* * *

The young, inexperienced sixth grade teacher was desperate. She had spent the previous day teaching fractions to her class, and now she could not get a single reply to any question. Finally, she threw out her hands in despair and cried out: “Doesn’t anyone here know anything about fractions?†A little pause, and a little boy raised his hand timidly: “My father,†he said, “brings home fifths.†* * *