snowyday

A man went into the employment office and signed up for a job as dishwasher in a hotel. The questionnaire asked: “When are you available for work?†The man scratched his head and said to the clerk: “How do you spell rat?†“Why, R-A-T, of course,†answered the clerk. “Nom†said the man, “I don’t mean the mousy kind of rat. I mean rat now.†* * * *

A small-time salesman treated himself to a Pullman ride from Boston to New York aboard a deluxe streamliner. Thrilled by the train’s luxuries, he entered the club car where several big business men were discussing the state of the economy. “A bad week,†he heard one capitalist complain. “We netted only $130,000.†“It was better for us,†said another. “Wheat was hot and we cleared $250,000.†Man after man told of such profits. Suddenly all eyes centered on the little salesman and someone asked, “How’s your business?†“So-so,†he shrugged. “Last week yellows were off half a million, but reds were up a million and blacks up four million.†Eyebrows raised in wonder, and one of the financiers respectfully asked, “What is your business?†“Me?†said the little fellow. “I sell jellybeans.†* * * *

The adult life of Thomas Edison, probably due to his intense powers of concentration, is dotted with stories of his absentmindedness. The classic of the collection, however, has to do with the afternoon he stepped down from his train at the familiar Orange, N.J., station. And the station master, who’d had great experience with the inventive genius, said: Welcome home again, Mr. Edison. “Say, you didn’t leave anything on the train, did you?†“Why, I don’t think so,†replied Edison, looking about vaguely and patting his pockets. At that moment his eyes rested on a window of the stopped train. Mrs. Edison, his new bride of a fortnight, whom he was bringing home from their honeymoon, was sitting there dejectedly. * * *

“That there new cook on the chuck wagon is the laziest galoot I ever set eyes on,†Slim Watson said as he started off to sing the herd down. “Know what he brought along? A sack of popcorn.†“First time I ever heard of anything like that in a chuck wagon,†Longhorn Pete admitted, “but how would popping corn make him out to be a lazy galoot?†Slim spat disgustedly, “That good-for-nothing lazy varmint mixes a handful of it in the hotcake batter every morning so the hotcakes will turn themselves over and save him the trouble.†* * *

A Wisconsin farmer, who had a reputation as a skinflint, had two hired men and a maid. Rumors flew around that he was paying them starvation wages. A federal inspector from the Wages and Hour Administration called at the farm. “I hear you are violating the law by paying below the minimum,†the inspector said. “Oh, am I?†the farmer said angrily. “Well, there’s Willie, who milks the cows and does chores around the barn. Ask him.†Forty dollars a week, sir,†Willie said. “And there’s Sammy,†the farmer said, calling over the other hired man. Tell this man your wages.†“Forty dollars a week sir,†Sammy said. “And there’s the maid, Kate,†the farmer said. “Ask her.†“Thirty dollars a week, with room and board, sir,†Kate said. “Any more?†the inspector said. “Well, no—only the halfwit,†the farmer said. “He gets $10 a week, a bit of tobacco and his food.†“Could I speak to him?†the inspector asked. “Well, you’re speaking to him now,†the farmer answered. * * * *

During the mid-afternoon lull at an English pub the senior bartender and his assistant busied themselves polishing glassware. They could not help overhearing a conversation between two men at a nearby table, the only customers in the place. To say these gentlemen were inebriated would be mild euphemism. This is what the bartenders heard: “Where you from?†“The States.†“That’s a coincidence. So am I. What town?†“Chicago.†“Can you beat that? I’m from Chicago, too. What address?†“5710 Ellis Avenue.†“I can’t believe it. That’s where I live. What’s your apartment?†“Six.†“Say, this is uncanny. That’s my apartment.†The assistant barkeep couldn’t take any more and said to his superior: “I can’t believe w’at I’m hearing.†Two blokes ‘appen to meet in an English pub and both are from the States, the same town, same address, an’ same apartment. W’at a miracle.†“Not such a miracle w’en ya know the background,†said the old-timer. “W’en they first came in ‘ere an’ started drinkin’ two weeks ago they wuz father an’ son.’ * * *

Sam Jones had a small farm down in Texas with just a few sheep, and one day his wife while dyeing some bedspreads blue, had a little lamb fall into the vat of dye. A passing motorist spying the lamb with the blue fleece stopped and offered $100 for it. So Sam figured he had stumbled on to a good thing and colored more of his lambs with blue dye which brought him big profits. “Pretty soon,†“Sam was coloring his lambs pink, blue, yellow, green, lavender and turquoise, and you know – now he's the biggest lamb dyer in Texas. * * *

A temperance reformer was conducting her campaign outside a saloon. As one man came out of the door exuding alcohol fumes, she put a hand on his arm, and said: “Reflect; if you arrive at the gates of Heaven with your breath reeking of liquor, do you think St. Peter will let you in?†“My good woman,†said the man, “when I go to Heaven I expect to leave my breath behind.†* * * *

It was in Los Angeles that a drunk who wanted to go to El Paso climbed onto a bus that was about to leave and started to make a big nuisance of himself. After remonstrating with him for several minutes the driver lost his temper. “Okay, mister," he exclaimed, “You either quiet down, or this bus isn’t leaving for San Francisco tonight.†“San Francisco?†mumbled the drunk. “Lemme out of here. I don’t want no San Francisco bus.†He scrambled out the door, the driver of the bus turned and winked at his passengers and the bus left for El Paso. * * * *

A drunk asleep in a bar began to show signs of life, so one of the customers smeared a little limburger cheese on his upper lip. The drunk arose slowly and walked out of the door. In a few minutes he came back in. Then he went out again only to return in a few more minutes. Shaking his head in disgust, he said: “It’s no use—the whole world smells.†* * * *

The football coach accompanied the fullback to the dean’s office to try to help him pass a test. The Dean gave him test after test, to no avail, and finally in desperation asked “How much is 6 and 6?†“Thirteen,†said the fullback. “Aw let him pass, Dean,†pleaded the coach. “He only missed it by two. * * * *

The farmer was extremely near-sighted and had to get his head down close to his work to see what he was doing, as he milked the cow. The city visitor watched in astonishment and finally spoke up. “So that’s it,†he explained. I’ve often wondered what the word ‘pasteurized’ meant—never knew before that you had to get right down there where you could see every drop going past your eyes!†* * *

A Government official suggested the destruction of a big pile of old, unimportant and ragged records to make room for currant filing. The written proposal was submitted, and referred from one office and one official to another, in the usual routine, until quite a new file had been built up on it. Finally a dozen or more officials had approved destroying the old papers and at last the order came through to dispose of them as salvage. But the final authority had added this note: “Provided that copies are made of all papers destroyed.†* * * *

A woman who had been driving only a little while made a slight mistake one afternoon and drove the family car off the road, through a fence, and into four feet of water. Result: Nothing more than a dunking for herself, but the car was water-logged. The problem, how to tell her hot-tempered husband with as little fireworks resulting as possible. After a lot of thinking she decided on the light, casual touch. “Dear,†she said that night, after he was well fed and comfortable, “remember last week when we had that fight, and you snapped at me and said ‘Go jump in the lake’ remember? Well, I did it today.†“What!†“Yes, I did. Oh—and by the way—I took the car with me!†* * *

A plane was flying low over some hills near Athens. From one of its windows a girl peered intensely, then called to the steward. “What’s that stuff on those hills?†she asked. “That’s snow,†came the reply. “Well,†said the girl, “that’s what I thought, but the man in front told me it was Greece.†* * * *

The Sunday School teacher asked Bobby why he was late. “I was gonna go fishing this morning,†said Bobby, “but Daddy wouldn’t let me.†“You’re a very fortunate boy to have a father like that, “said the teacher. “And did your father make it clear to you why you shouldn’t go fishing on Sunday?†“Oh, sure,†replied Bobby. “He said there wasn’t enough bait for both of us.†* * *

The Army psychiatrist wanted to be sure that the newly enlisted rookie was perfectly normal. Suspiciously he said: “What do you do for social life?†“Oh,†the man blushed, “just sit around mostly.†“Hmmmm—never go out with girls?†“Nope.†“Don’t you ever want to?†The man was uneasy. “Well, yes, sort of.†“Then, why don’t you?†“My wife don’t let me sir.†* * * *

A distinguished clergyman and one of his parishioners were playing golf. It was a very close match, and at the last hole the clergyman teed up, addressed the ball, and swung his driver with great force. The ball, instead of sailing down the fairway, merely rolled off the tee and settled slowly some 12 feet away. The clergyman frowned, glared, and bit his lip, but said nothing. His opponent regarded him for a moment, and then remarked: “Doctor, that is the most profane silence I have ever witnessed.†* * *

A convict was breaking up rocks in a prison yard when a minister stopped by on an inspection trip. The minister remarked that the prisoner still had a lot of work to get through with. “Yep,†agreed the convict. “Them stones are just like the Ten Commandments. You can go on breaking ‘em but you can’t never get rid of ‘em.†* * * *

The “greenhorn†switchman was working the yards one night in a small Missouri town. Part of the night’s work included pushing cars down a spur track to the loading docks of a manufacturing plant. A switch at the lower end of the spur led to an unused section of track which ended in the backwaters of the Mississippi River. Unknowingly having thrown the switch to the unused spur, the young switchman, when asked how many more cars the spur would hold, replied confidently. “If they all go where the first five went, mister, you can push cars down here all night and never fill up the track!†* * * *

Farmer Jones took his pig to town and sold it. With the money he bought a suit, a pair of shoes, and a hat. Then tucked the bundle under the seat of his wagon and said, “Giddap, Dobbin let’s get home and surprise Miranda.†On his way home he stopped at the river, took off his old clothes, threw then in the water and watched them sink. Then he looked under the seat for his new outfit. It was gone. Back on the seat he climbed and said, “Giddap, Dobbin, we’ll surprise her anyway.†* * * *

A social worker from a big City in Massachusetts recently transferred to the Mountains of Tennessee and was on first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" she asked. "Yep," came a kid's voice through the door. "Is your father there?" asked the social worker. "Pa? Nope, he left before Ma came in," said the kid. "Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker. "Ma? Nope, she left just before I got here," said the kid. "But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?" "Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!" * * * *

After having attended a conference in a small town, a famous psychiatrist chatted with the mayor. “Tell me Professor,†the mayor said. “How can one tell a person is insane?†“It’s very simple,†the Professor said. “One begins by asking any question that’s within the scopes of any normal person. For instance: “Captain Cook made three trips around the world, and met death on one of them. On which one of the voyages did Cook die?†“Couldn’t you ask me another question? I’m not very well conversed on explorations.†* * *

An African chieftain flew to London for a visit and was met at the airport by newsmen. “Good morning, Chief,†one said. “Did you have a comfortable flight?†The Chief made a series of raucous noises – honk, oink, screech, whistle, z-z-z then added in perfect English, “Yes, very pleasant indeed.†“And how long do you plan to stay?†asked the reporter.†Again the noises – honk, oink, screech, whistle, z-z-z then added “about three weeks, I think.†“Tell me, Chief,†inquired the baffled reporter, “where did you learn to speak such flawless English?†Again the noises - honk, oink, screech, whistle, z-z-z then said, “Short-wave radio.†* * * *

In 1957 I was stationed at Ardmore Air Force Base in Ardmore, Oklahoma. Another Airman, Henry Snyder, and I were coming back to the base from Denton, Texas on Highway 77. It was after midnight and I was driving about 75 mph. We were in Texas very close to the Oklahoma border. It was a very dark night. A Texas Highway Patrol pulled up beside me without headlights and pulled us over. I was within 100 yards of the border when we got stopped. In those days, if you made it across the border, you were safe. That ticket cost me a weeks pay.