Sonny's Funnies
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A wise person once said… 1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are without clothes . 2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS. 3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband. 4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preference…
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Good questions:
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An athlete who had won many running races was boasting of his achievements when a man sitting near interrupted him. “I’ll race you,” said the stranger, “and you’ll never pass me if you give me a 3 foot start and let me choose the course. The athlete looked at his challenger, a short and rather stout man, and laughed, “I bet you twenty to one I will.” he returned, “where’s the course?” “Up a ladder,” answered his opponent.
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Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
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A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh! We’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts. He communicates really well, and I just act like I'm listening."
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Seven Little Stories........... 1. Once all villagers decided to pray for rain. On the day of prayer all the people gathered, but only one boy came with an umbrella. ~ That's FAITH 2. When you throw a baby in the air, she laughs because she knows you will catch her. ~ That's TRUST 3. Every night we go to bed without any assurance of being alive the next morning but still we set the alarms to wake up. ~ That's HOPE 4. We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future. ~ That's CONFIDENCE 5. We see the world suffering, but still we get married. ~ That's LOVE 6. On an old man's shirt was wr…
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Ponderings......again: "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and drycleaners depressed? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, …
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I told my ex I felt like killing her and she said I needed professional help. So I hired a hitman.
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Blind Date
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I had a blind date last night but before it I was worried what to do if she was really unattractive. My friend told me not to worry as there’s an app for just that situation. It’s called “Mom Are You Ok” and it schedules your phone to ring just after you meet your date. If you like her, you just ignore your phone. If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, “Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?” It works every time, no worries. So anyway, I knocked on the girl’s door and it turns out I needn’t have worried at all. She was absolutely gorgeous and stunning! But just when I was about to speak to her, her phone rang. She answered it…
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HangGliding
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Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge------- into the wind he goes! Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen! "Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims. Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw." She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the t…
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How to Make a Telemarketer Go Away 1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?" 2. If you get one of those pushy people who won\'t shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you\'ll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card. 3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do y…
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Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room. Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next. As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking." "In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober" Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow. Doctor: How do you feel? Patient: A little down in the mouth. Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled? Dentist: $100.00. Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work? Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slow…
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Performance evaluation translations Part 2 Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date. Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together. Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward. Happy: Paid too much. Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way. Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot. Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors. Internationally know…
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New Mexico/New York Crazy Laws: New Mexico Crazy Laws: State officials ordered 400 words of "sexually explicit material" to be cut from Romeo and Juliet. Carrizozo It's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public. Las Cruces You may not carry a lunchbox down Main Street. New York Crazy Laws: The penalty for jumping off a building is death. Slippers are not to be worn after 10:00 P.M. A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and looking "at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male…
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Jokes about the elderly (6): OLD POSTAL CARRIERS never die, they just lose their zip OLD PRINTERS never die, they're just not the type OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just byte it OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just decompile OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just get bugged with life OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just go to bits OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just lose their memory OLD PROGRAMMERS never die, they just move to new addresses OLD PROGRAMMING WIZARDS never die, they just recurse OLD PROPANE TANKS never die, they just run out of gas …
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Still Pondering: If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the same stuff? Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away? If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? …
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These aren't Murphy's Laws but some of them should be: "The Law of Volunteering"--If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. "The Law of Avoiding Oversell"--When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse. "The Law of Common Sense" --Never accept a drink from a urologist. "The Law of Reality" --Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. "The Law of Self Sacrifice" --When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. "The Law of Motivation" --Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. "Dick's Law" --You always find something in the last place you look. "Weiler's Law" --Nothing is impo…
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Paddy and Murphy are having a pint in the pub, when some scuba divers come on the TV. Paddy says, "Murphy, why is it them deep sea divers always sit on the side of the boat with them air tanks on their backs, and fall backwards out of the boat?" Murphy thinks for a minute then says, "That's easy. It's 'cause if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat!"
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Business one-liners 39, 40 &41: The first time is for love, the next time is $200. The floggings will continue until morale improves. The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. - Eleanor Roosevelt The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn. The hardness of the butter is in inverse proportion to the softness of the bread. The hidden flaw never remains hidden. The idea is to die young as late as possible. The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled. The lagging activity in a proj…
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There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer. They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!" He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages. The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?" The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother
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OLD SOCCER PLAYERS never die, they just achieve their final goal OLD SOCCER PLAYERS never die, they just lose their kick OLD SOLDIERS never die, they just fade away OLD SOLDIERS never die, they just smell that way OLD SOLDIERS never die, young ones do OLD SOURDOUGHS never die, they just ferment away OLD SPELUNKERS never die, they just cave in OLD STEELMAKERS never die, they just lose their temper OLD STUDENTS never die, they just get de…
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Love the first one!!!...and I will not visit Monroe. Utah Crazy Laws: It is illegal to detonate any nuclear weapon. You can have them, but you just can't detonate them. Birds have the right of way on all highways. It's legal for restaurants to serve wine with meals, but only if you ask for the wine list. It is against the law to fish from horseback. When a person reaches the age of 50, he/she can then marry their cousin. A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence. You're not allowed to sell beverages containing more than 3.2% alcohol. It is illegal not to drink milk. …
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Business one-liners 63 & 64: If at first you don't succeed, give up. No use being a stupid fool. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not your sport. If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset. If at first you don't succeed, try something else. If at first you don't succeed, well...darn. If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway. If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either. If at first you don't succeed, you're do…
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Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant." "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant. "We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager. "And ju…
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Business one-liners 27-28-29: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. Other people's tools work only in other people's gardens. Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails. Our present business is not to exchange compliments but arguments. - Robert Boyle, 17th century chemist People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened. People do not change, they only become more so. People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. Peopl…
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