Sonny's Funnies
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Bob was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily. “What’s up Bob?” asked the bartender… It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.” “It’s my five year old son…” Bob replied. “Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it; it happens to boys that age,” said the bartender, sympathetically. “ I only wish it was that,” continued the customer, “ but it’s far worse than that. The little devil has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbor pregnant.” “Get awa…
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Brain Cramps: Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey "Smoking kills. If yo…
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Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..." A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here." A dyslexic man walks into a bra. …
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Words of wisdom from the corporate world. a.. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fredrick Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.) b.. "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping) c.. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company) d.. "This project is so important, we can't let things that…
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Door Prize
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When we get older we think differently, don't we? This letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind ..........especially if you are familiar with the elderly. Dear Kean Elementary, God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens' luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Springer Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you f…
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Funny Signs
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Funny Signs: In a Japanese hotel room: "Please to bathe inside the tub." In a Tokyo Hotel: "Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis." Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques." In a loan company window: "Now you can borrow enough money to get completely out of debt." In the window of a Travel Agency: "Please Go Away!" …
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Amazing Golf Ball These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this ball." He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it." His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!" The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it." Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. …
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The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. A few moments passed. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike." A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving." "Jason is on his skate board." A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex." Star…
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Martha Stewart's Way Vs. My Way Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips. My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for pete's sake, you are probably laying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway. You know we don't have anything better to do. Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time. My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag. Martha's way #3: To …
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Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language? Let's face it English is a stupid language. There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England French fries were not invented in France. We sometimes take English for granted But if we examine its paradoxes we find that Quicksand takes you down slowly Boxing rings are square And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If writers write, how come fingers don't fing. If the plural of tooth is teeth Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone b…
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Two Cowboys
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Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy. "Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction." Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon." "Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!" The Ind…
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Psychic Frog A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" "No," says his Advisor, "in her biology class.
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Useful Military Warnings: "Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop "If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Fo…
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Signs Found In The Kitchen: So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust! Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself! I clean house every other day. Today is the other day. If you write in the dust, please don't date it! I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener! A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life. My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it! I came, I saw, I decided to order take out. If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your standards. Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: So…
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OCCUPATIONS
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OCCUPATIONS Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. Auditor - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded. Banker - The fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain) Economist - An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. Statistician - Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant. Actuary - Someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. …
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Final Exam
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Final Exam A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. "Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her hea…
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Playing Horse Old tribal wisdom says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. Businesses, however, often try other strategies. These include... 1. Buying a stronger whip. 2. Changing riders. 3. Saying things like "This is the way we always have ridden this horse" 4. Appointing a committee to study the horse. 5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses. 6. Increasing the standards to ride dead horses. 7. Appointing a tiger team to revive the dead horse. 8. Creating a training session to increase our riding ability. 9. Comparing the s…
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BUSINESS: A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country. A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense. A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work. A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead. A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun. A clean tie attracts the soup of the day. A closed mouth gathers no foot. A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. - Milton Berle A committee is twelve men doin…
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Interesting Quotes: When will all the rhetorical questions end? - George Carlin I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout. - Joan Rivers A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men. - Willy Wonka Whether you believe you can or believe you can't, you're probably right. - Henry Ford Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle. - Bob Hope I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. - Harry S. Truman Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money. - Groucho Marx …
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Interesting Quotes: Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. - Mayor (of Washington DC) Marion Barry By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philos…
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Types of computer viruses: Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple. Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back. AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus. Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does. Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to a…
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There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I reme…
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Men Vs. Women Toys: Women: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men: Men never grow out of their toy obsession. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive, silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate. Cameras: Men: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and t…
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A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "That's the same with us," the American said, "Only we see stars, too."
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Bumper Stickers: I always finish what I st Procrastinate now. The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake. Rehab is for quitters. My dog can lick anyone! I have a degree in Liberal Arts - do you want fries with that? Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees and name streets after them. Do they ever shut up on your planet? If you were born again, would you have two bellybuttons? All men are idiots, and I married their King. I'm out of estrogen and I've got a gun! I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the Juneflower. A journey of a thousand…
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