Sonny's Funnies
2,950 topics in this forum
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Baby Planes
by Sonny- 0 replies
- 558 views
A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess." So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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Bob and his three golf buddies were out playing and were just starting on the back nine when Bob paused, looked down the fairway and began to sob uncontrollably. The other three gathered around him and asked: "What's wrong?" Bob looked down at his feet, sniffed and dried his eyes some, then apologized for his emotional outburst. "Im sorry, I always get emotional at this hole - it holds very difficult memories for me." One of his buddies asked, "What happened? What could have gotten you so upset?" Bob stared silently off in the distance, then said in a low voice, "This is where my wife and I were playing 12 years ago when she suddenly died of a heart attack; right at t…
Last reply by Sonny, -
Backpacking
by Sonny- 0 replies
- 546 views
After eight days of backpacking with my wife, we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles. "Darling," she said, "does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"
Last reply by Sonny, -
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I reme…
Last reply by Sonny, -
An elderly couple was in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream. She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her. He asked what was wrong. She said "I had a dream that I died and you got remarried." she asked him "if I died tomorrow would you get remarried?" he said "sure, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life lonely." then she asked "well would you two live in this house?" he replied "sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage." she asked again, angry now "well would she sleep in this bed?" he snickered and said "yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive, there's no reason to rid of i…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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- 517 views
Bad relationships Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds." "Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend. "Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first."
Last reply by Sonny, -
Bad Stutter
by Sonny- 0 replies
- 747 views
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn't answer him. The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?" And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy storms off in anger. The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?" The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-w…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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- 666 views
Bad Translations From Places Afar Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it. Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar. Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty. Office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here. Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find that they are best in the long run. Japanese i…
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 620 views
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up. In a Belgrade elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order. In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk. In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9&11 am daily. In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of un…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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- 613 views
In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers. In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the porter. In Germany's Black Forest: It is strickly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men & women, live together in one tent unless they are married for that purpose. An ad by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists. A Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend …
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 884 views
Weather Conditions --- Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in North Dakota. She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is 32 below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. Wind chill is -59. Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken bastard in.
Last reply by Mt.crewchief, -
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in London. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, What man here will buy a lady a drink? The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, Give the ballerina a drink! The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, What man here will buy a lady a drink? Once again, the same little drun…
Last reply by Sonny, -
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- 0 replies
- 885 views
|"I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me."
Last reply by Sonny, -
An Indian walked into the bank of a small town to try to get a loan of $200. “How long do you want it for?†the bank manager inquired. The Indian was rather vague. So the manager asked if he had any security. “Me got 200 head cattle,†was the reply, and as this seemed satisfactory the loan was made. A month or so later, the Indian came back with $2,000 in cash and paid off his loan. Then having put the rest of the money in his pocket, he turned to leave. “Why don’t you let me look after the rest of your money for you?†replied the manager. A sudden gleam came into the Indian’s eye. “How many head of cattle you got?†he asked suspiciously…
Last reply by snowyday, -
- 0 replies
- 871 views
The girl came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried. "I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad. "You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble." "What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake." "I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."
Last reply by Sonny, -
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher... I sure am." The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked. "No, I didn't!" said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?" "No, I did not Reverend." The preacher then holds the man un…
Last reply by Sonny, -
A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am." The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked. "No, I didnt!" said the drunk. The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?" "No, I did not!" said the drunk again. Disgusted, the Minister holds the man un…
Last reply by Sonny, -
Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there. One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?" "Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play." When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?" The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you." …
Last reply by Sonny, -
There was a man sitting at a bar, and he looks over at the gentleman sitting next to him and says, "Hey, you look familiar. Are you from around here?" The man answers, "Yeah, I live down the street." "No kidding?" says the first man, "Well, so do I. And hey, you look about my age. Where did you go to high school?" "Oh I went to Francis Lewis over on Utopia. Graduated in '66. How 'bout you?" "Get out. I went to Francis Lewis. And I graduated in '66, too." "Where'd you go to college?" "Beloit, in Wisconsin." "No way! I went to Beloit too. What dorm?" "Kevin Sullivan dorm." "Sullivan? You're not going to believe this . . ." Joe the bartender wal…
Last reply by Sonny, -
A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fi…
Last reply by Sonny, -
Barbershop
by Sonny- 0 replies
- 1.9k views
A chief and an admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves--the barbers were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that shit on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!" The chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 607 views
A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 708 views
Last reply by Sonny, -
Barbie Doll
by Sonny- 0 replies
- 753 views
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter. "How much is that Barbie in the window?", he asks the shop assistant. "Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. " The guy asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ? "That's obvious," the assistant states, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture... "
Last reply by Sonny, -
- 0 replies
- 525 views
A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?" "Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." "Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "Yeah, well, it's like this ... Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture ..."
Last reply by Sonny,
