Sonny's Funnies
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A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Sherry? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She said, "I want a divorce." He replied in shock, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
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A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Mary? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She said, "I want a divorce." He replied in shock, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
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A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?" "No," he replied. "I've never done either." "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with women?" inquired the doctor. "No, I've never done any of those things either." "Well, then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"
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Will Rogers Quotes Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash, was one of the greatest political sages this country has ever known. Here are some of his best quotes: We always want the best man to win an election. Unfortunately, he never runs. - Will Rogers Never squat while wearing your spurs. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works. Never miss a good chance to shut up. Always drink upstream from the herd. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket. There…
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Will Rogers Quotes: We always want the best man to win an election. Unfortunately, he never runs. - Will Rogers Never squat while wearing your spurs. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works. Never miss a good chance to shut up. Always drink upstream from the herd. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look ba…
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Frank was madly in love with Susan, but couldn’t get up enough courage to pop the question face to face. Finally he decided to ask her on the telephone. “Darling! He blurted out, “Will you marry me?†“Of course, I will, you silly boy,†she replied, “Who’s speaking?â€
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Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open." Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really screwed up now."
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Wisconsin Crazy Laws: At one time, margarine was illegal. As people used to smuggle it in from Illinois, all yellow butter substitute is banned. You must manually flush all urinals in a building. While all cheese making requires a license, Limburger cheese making requires a master cheese maker's license. Whenever two trains meet at an intersection of said tracks, neither shall proceed until the other has. State Law made it illegal to serve apple pie in public restaurants without cheese. Citizens may not murder their enemies. It is illegal to cut a woman's hair. It is illegal to kiss on a train. Butter substitutes are not a…
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The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die". She raised herself up in bed with a piou…
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The woman lion tamer had her beasts under perfect control. At her summons the fiercest lion came meekly to her and took a piece of sugar out of her mouth. The circus crowd marveled—all except one man. Man (yelling from the audience) Any one can do that.†Ringmaster: (scornfully) Would you dare do it?†Man: Certainly. “I can do it just as well as the lion can.†* * * * snowyday
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A woman missionary in China took tea with a Mandarin’s eight wives. Her clothes, hair and teeth interested them, but her feet amazed them. “Why,†cried one, “you can walk or run as well as a man.†“Yes, to be sure,†said the missionary. “Can you ride a horse and swim too?†“Yes.†“Then you must be as strong as a man.†“I am.†“And you wouldn’t let a man beat you – not even if he was your husband – would you?†“Indeed I wouldn’t.†The oldest of the wives said softly. “Now I understand why the foreign devil never has more than one wife. He is afraid.†* * * * snowyday
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Woman's Tee
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It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!" I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee." I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled: "Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee, PLEASE! I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the microphone and shouted back…
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Womans Work
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A man was sick and tired of going to work every day, while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed :- "Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies". God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home ..... picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and…
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Women Drivers I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane. It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!
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Women Drivers I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane. It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!
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Women Drivers I tell you, women drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on the freeway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane. It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee, and it spilled all over my cell phone!
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WOMEN OVER 50 As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with pra…
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Bubba decided it was time to purchase a new saw to help clear his heavily timbered property. A salesman showed him the latest model chain saw and assured him that he could easily cut three or four cords of wood per day with it. But the first day, Bubba barely cut one cord of wood. The second morning he arose an hour earlier and managed to cut a little over one cord. The third day he got up even earlier but only managed to achieve a total of 1 ½ cords of wood. Bubba returned the saw to the store the next day and explained the situation. "Well", said the salesman, "let’s see what’s the matter."…
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Wooden Eye
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A man with a wooden eye was very sensitive about his eye for fear of people making fun of him. One day this man decides to go out and have some fun. So, he goes to a bar and orders a beer. Then, out of the corner of his eye he sees a woman with a flat face. He thinks,” Well, she wouldn't make fun of me because she would understand how I feel." So, he finally gathers up the courage to talk to her, he goes over and asks her, “Would you like to have dinner with me sometime?" And the woman answers, “Would I!!!? The man, obviously offended, screams, "flat face!!!" and storms out of the bar.
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Wooden Leg
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A man and his wife, moved back home to North Carolina, from Texas. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Texas Was $2000.00 a year! When they arrived in North Carolina, they went to an insurance Agency, to see how much it would cost to insure the leg. The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.' The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here In North Carolina to insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in Texas! The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: *Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.
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Woodpecker
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A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaii woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe. The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely unpeckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge. After flying to California, the Hawaii woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem. So the two woodpeckers were now confused. How …
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Woodpecker
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Woodpecker A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaii woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe. The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely unpeckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge. After flying to California, the Hawaii woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem. …
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Words for the Wise: 1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me. 4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast. 5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." 6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here. 7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. 8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 9. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.…
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Words for the Wise: 1 . Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants. 2. Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative. 3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me. 4. I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast. 5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..." 6. I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here. 7. I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner. 8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal? 9. I don't approve of political j…
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The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother", the nuns pleaded, "Please give us some wisdom before you die". She raised herself up in bed with a …
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