Sonny's Funnies
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Why were you fired? I used to be a butcher, but I backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in my work. I used to be an optician, but I made a spectacle of myself. I worked on screen doors, but I strained myself. I used to work as a hot-air balloon pilot, but my status was up in the air. I used to work in a frozen food factory, but I got fresh and then they canned me. I used to work in a dairy. I got fired for getting in the whey. I lost my job at the massage parlor. I rubbed people the wrong way. I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening. I was working in an orange …
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A pregnant woman asked her boss if she could have the day off because she wasn't feeling too well. He tells her the only way she is leaving work is if she starts her contractions. So she yells "Can't, didn't, won't, shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't!"
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Dear Abby Admitted She Was At A Loss To Answer The Following: Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese? Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR? Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his. Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting e…
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Little Girl
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A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
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IF If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line. If you are worried about being crazy, don't be overly concerned. If you were, you would think you were sane. If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to blame. If you cannot convince them, confuse them. (Harry S. Truman) If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit. If you cannot fix it, feature it. If you cannot get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights! If you cannot measure output, then you measure input. If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos.…
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25 Things I Learned From The Movies: 1. All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555. 2. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. 3. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. 4. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. 5. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. 6. A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness. 7. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will kno…
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AN ORTHODOX RABBI: It was the Sabbath what was he going to do, drive there? THE POPE: The chicken was motivated to cross the road because he realized that only by doing so could he achieve Salvation. PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American. GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough. BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the…
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Angry Wife
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The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
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Some people have skeletons in their closet. I have a whole graveyard! I bet you I could stop gambling. I think I'm agnostic, but I haven't decided. I can't get enough minimalism. I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative. Do ten millipedes equal one centipede? The best contraceptive for old people is nudity. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me. Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it. Take everything in moderation. Including moderation. There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know. Some days it's not worth chewing throu…
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Hollywood Squares These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.. Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!) Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough. Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.. …
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25 facts of life: 1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it. 2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time. 3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor. 4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment. 5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 6. A penny saved is worthless.…
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A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the heck is taking so long? Hit the ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance of hitting her from here."
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England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool. Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore. I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. I got some batteries that were given out free of charge. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail. A will is a dead giveaway. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old wa…
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I’m not having much luck with jobs lately: I couldn’t concentrate in the orange juice factory. I wasn’t suited to be a tailor. The muffler factory was just exhausting. I couldn’t cut it as barber. I didn’t have the patience to be a doctor. I didn’t fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it. The paper shop folded. Pool maintenance was too draining. I got fired from the cannon factory. And I just couldn’t see any future as a historian.
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Dad Jokes: I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea. Without geometry life is pointless. A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here?” I gave all my dead batteries away today… Free of charge. I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. I am terrified of elevators. I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them. Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed. …
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What's the difference between girls aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68 and 78? At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed. At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story. At 78 - You can get out of bed, that's another story.
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Jennie was sitting at the defendant's table while the state trooper was being cross-examined on the witness stand. The lawyer asked, 'When you stopped the defendant, Jennie, were your red and blue lights flashing?' 'Yes, sir, they were.' 'Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?' 'Yes, sir, she did.' 'And,' looking at Jennie, 'what was it the defendant said?' 'She said, "What disco am I at?''
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THE ARROGANCE OF OLD AGE (Thanks, Mel!!) Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the liquor store. …
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A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adven…
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Ponderings
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Ponderings: The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray! A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. The only cure for ins…
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Think About It: I had amnesia once - or twice. Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free? They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them. Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a motorway. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. Experience is the thing you have left when everythi…
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I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot. It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no wife to go home to... or they do.
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