Sonny's Funnies
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This man comes home from a long day at work and sits down to a nice home cooked meal. After supper, around 6:30 he reclines in his chair and turns on the TV. He asks his wife, "Honey, can you get me a beer before it starts?" She does without hesitation. About half an hour later he asks her again, Honey, can you get me another beer before it starts? Again, without question she does so. It is now 7:30 and he asks again, Honey, can you get me another beer before it starts? She answers back, "Is that all you're going to do this evening? Sit around watching TV and drinking beer all night?!" To which he replies, "Ah geez it's started!"
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Being 6 Again A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, s…
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Being 6 Again A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms. Wh…
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A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adven…
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- To my Sweet Valentine Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can. You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we'…
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Drunk: “Believe it or not, shtreet car, I’m waiting for an offisher. I mean, believe it or offisher not, I’m street carrying for a wait— that ish—shay, what am I doing anyhow?†Officer: “Believe it or not, you’re patrolling for the wait wagon. I mean, you’re waggoning for the wait patrol—get the idea, pal?†Drunk: “Shure. You’re intohshicated?†* * * *
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A Red Cross worker on a remote Pacific island called the Army command to report a disease peculiar to the tropics: “We have a case of beriberi here. What shall we do?†The following reply came: “Give it to the Sea Bees, they’ll drink anything.†* * * Snowyday
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A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
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A man moved out from home and into a new apartment. He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming". He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to…
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Best Friend
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A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him. "Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?" Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back another shot of whiskey in one gulp. "But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!" The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, "Not anymore! He is!"
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Best Friend
by Sonny- 0 replies
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A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him. "Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?" Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend." He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp. …
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Best friends graduating from medical school at the same time decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors. The town council was livid and insisted they change it. The docs changed it to read: Schizoids and Hemorrhoids. This was also not acceptable so they again changed the sign to read Catatonics and High Colonics - no go. Next they tried Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives -thumbs down again. Then came Minds and …
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House Construction by Bill Jerome Home Yellow River by Iam Ping Lewis Carroll by Alison Wonderland Leo Tolstoy by Warren Peace The L. A. Lakers Breakfast by Kareem O' Wheat Why Cars Stop by M. T. Tank Wind in the Willows by Russell Ingleaves Look Younger by Fay Slift Mountain Climbing by Andover Hand It's Springtime! by Theresa Green No! by Kurt Reply And Shut Up! by Sid Downe 40 Yards to the Latrine by Willy Makeit and Betty Wont Glass Bikini by Seymore Skynn The French Chef by Sue Flay Tight Situation by Leah Tard Unemployed by Anita Job Off to Market by Tobias A. Pigg I Lived in Detroi…
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A well known actor with a caustic wit was having a quarrel with his wife. After a particularly biting remark, she burst into tears and said: How can you treat me like this when I’ve given you the seven best years of my life!†“Good Heavens,†replied the husband, “were those your best?†* * * *
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An elderly lady driving along, nonchalantly, turned a corner and ran over a teen-aged youth crossing the street. Without change of expression the old lady pulled on the other side of the victim, rolled down her window and called. “Young man, you’d better look out.†Rising to one elbow the trembling youth exclaimed, “My gosh, lady, don’t tell me your gonna back up.†* * * * snowyday
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Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge------- into the wind he goes! Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen! "Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims. Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw." She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over…
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Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding. Bubba decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight. He takes off running and reaches the edge------- into the wind he goes! Meanwhile, Maw and Paw Hicks were sittin' on the porch swing talkin bout the good ol days when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen! "Look at the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims. Paw raises up," Git my gun, Maw." She runs into the house, brings out his pump shotgun. He takes careful aim. BANG...BANG.....BANG.....BANG! The monster size bird continues to sail silently over the t…
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Big Breaths
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The doctor placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," said he. "Yes, they used to be," she remorsed.
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At the office Christmas party, a very new employee was talking with a matron when his attention was drawn to a beefy individual leading an animated conversation a few feet away. “Who’s old hefty with the over-sized ears?†he asked. “Why,†she replied, “that’s my husband. He’s head of your department.†“I was just going to say,†quietly explained the new employee, “that on a big man like him, over-sized ears are very becoming.†* * * *
Last reply by snowyday, -
Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready. The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc. Joe looked at each …
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An Indian named Big Smoke was employed as a missionary to his fellow Smokes. A white man asked Big Smoke what he did for a living. “Umph!†said Big Smoke, “me preach.†“That so? What do you get for preaching?†“Me get $10 a year.†“Well,†said the white man, “that’s pretty poor pay.†“Umph!†said Big Smoke: “Me pretty poor preacher.†* * *
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BREAKING NEWS Let it be known "Big Timber declares War on the USA" President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang. ... "Hello, President Obama," a heavily accented Norwegian voice said. "'Dis here is Sven, over here at the Muni Liquor Store in Big Timber, Montana. Ve don't like some a yer policies so I am callin' to tell ya that we are officially declaring war on ya!" "Well, Sven," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," said Sven, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Knute, my next-door-neighbor Ole, and the whole pool team from the Muni " Barack paused, "I must te…
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Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready. The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc. Joe looked…
Last reply by Sonny, -
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly. "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you.
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Billy Bob was walking down the street and up pulls Bubba in a brand new pickup. Billy Bob asks Bubba where he got the new truck. Well I was at the dance on Saturday night and this really good looking girl starting tell me about her brand new pickup, and asked me if I wanted to go for a ride in it. I told her I would.. We went out of town on the highway and then she pulled off on a dirt road, and then she pulled off into the woods.. She got out of the truck and took off all her clothes, and said "Bubba you can have anything you want" Billy Bob said that was really smart of you Bubba,...... Because those clothes never would have fit you...
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