Sonny's Funnies
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A teacher notices that a little boy (aka Little Johnny) at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy. The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. She goes over to him , only to find him sitting at his desk with his Thingy hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom" she says. …
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"The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don''t want to try these techniques at home.". "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.. "I watched my wife''s routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets,often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ''Hon, why don''tyou try carrying several things at once?''". "Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
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The Jockey
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The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race. He turned on the jockey. "Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?" "Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse."
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For All You Lexophiles (Lovers of Words): 1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired. 2. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway). 3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 4. A backward poet writes inverse. 5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes. 6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off. 7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. 8. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. 9. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. 10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I…
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Mickey stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork. Paddy says, "Are you on foot or in the car?" Mickey says, "In the car." Paddy says, "That's the quickest way!"
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The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
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|Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community.... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large c…
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A very elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He is in his mid nineties, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of a good after shave. He presents a very well looked after image. Seated at the bar is an elderly really classy looking lady, (mid eighties). The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a Manhattan. He takes a sip. He slowly turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
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There was an Asian lady who married an English gentleman and moved to London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but anyhow managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The third …
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I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number? Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts. A recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight, …
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Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he’d been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened. “Well, Dad,” said Pete, “ I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.” “Uh-huh,” said the father, “that seems fair.” “I know, but I never thought he’d choose his sister!”
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An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven? The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's Sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"
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Jake had proposed to young Gina, and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law. “Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?” the older man asked the suitor. “Yes, Sir,” replied Jake, “I’m sure I am.” “Think carefully now,” said Gina’s father. “There are twelve of us…”
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An old woman goes to answer a knock at the door one evening to find two police officers standing there. ''Madam, are you married?'' one officer asks. ''Why yes,'' the old lady replies, ''for 48 years.'' ''Do you have a photograph of your husband?'' the second officer asks. The old lady pulls a picture out of her purse and hands it to the officers. They look it over and hand it back to her. ''Madam, he's going to be OK but, I'm sorry, it looks like your husband has been hit by a truck.'' The lady says: ''I know, sir, but he's got a wonderful personality and has always been very kind to me and the children.''
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Blind Date
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An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset. "What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked. "I had to slap his face three times!" "You mean he got fresh?" "No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"
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Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase its diversity. 'You are all part of our team now', said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. 'You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but don't eat any employees.' The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later the cannibal chief remarked, 'You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?' The cannibals all shook their heads. 'No.' After the boss had left, the chief of…
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An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something wise." The dean looks at them and says, "I should have taken the money."
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A little boy went to his teacher to tell her he found a frog. The teacher asked if it was alive or dead. The little boy said that it was dead. The teacher asked how he knew. The boy said, "I pissed in its ear." The teacher said, "You what?" He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'psst!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead."
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Nudist One Liners A naked man fears no pickpocket. Bare butts are cool. A nudist never has to hold out his hand to see if it is raining. A Buddhist nudist practices yoga bare. A harp is a nude piano. Nudist Resort sign - Sorry, Clothed for Winter. Always swim nude. Sharks hate to peel their food. Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. Never cook bacon when you're naked. Senior Citizen Nude Beach ahead. Watch for Golden Oldies
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Retirement
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Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time in retirement. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation in many of our conversations. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club. She said, "Are you nuts? You’re 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card. She said to me, "Good grief, where are y…
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25 Signs You've Grown Up: Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. You watch the Weather Channel. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo. Older relatives feel comfortab…
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The Vase A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He says, "Jeez...oooh....I..." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
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One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen. "What's wrong, dearest?" asked the confused husband. "Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do?" "Well," replied the man, "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"
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