Sonny's Funnies
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My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate. I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. I was a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. It was a so-so job. I worked in a muffler factory but that was exhausting. I was a barber, but I just couldn't cut it. I tried to be a chef. I thought it would add a little spice to my life,but I just didn't have the thyme. I was a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. I was a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a lo…
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Makes Ya Think: Do most twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned? What if my dog only brings back the ball because he/she thinks I like throwing it? If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous? Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C? Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V? Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty. The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims". Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as h…
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The Aisle, the Altar, and the Hymn Through the ages, men have been trying to unlock this mystery: Why do their wives, who accept them just as they are before they get married, begin the quest to change their behavior and life-style once their vows are exchanged? Finally, the riddle is solved. A social-scientist has arrived at this simple and logical explanation. When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir singing a hymn. Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process starts where the brain absorbs these three stimuli: Aisle, altar, …
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GREAT REASONS TO BE A GUY: Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Wedding plans take care of themselves. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. If you …
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Like Father, Like Husband? If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.
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A Senior Citizen I am a senior citizen... - I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm. - I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer. - I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going. - I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid... - I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go. - I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up. - I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying. - I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over. - I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine. - I'm so c…
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The Waiter
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A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat. "Are you crazy" yelled the customer, "sticking your thumb in my steak?!" "What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"
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3 Docs at Heaven's Gate: Three doctors arrived in heaven. St. Peter asked the first one why he should be let into heaven. The doctor first doctor said "Because I won the Nobel Peace Prize for my work." The second doctor was a little worried when his turn came. He said, "I haven't won any prizes, but I've started free clinics and helped those in need for free." St. Peter let him in. The third doctor said, "I'm responsible for all the HMO's across the United States." St. Peter thought about it for a minute and sa…
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7 Word Obituary: A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries." Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1983 Pick-up for sale.'"
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A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them." "That's the same with us," the American said, "Only we see stars, too."
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Two Roofers
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Two roofers, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying shingles, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder. "I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder." "What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light." "What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."
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When Santa came home, his wife, Jeeto, was crying. "Your mother insulted me," Jeeto sobbed. "My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the country?" Santa asked. "I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious." "And?" "At the end of the letter it said, 'Dear Jeeto, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son.'"
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Trainee cowpoke More than anything, dull Dennis wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance. "This," he said, showing Dennis is a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows." "I see, said Dennis, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"
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Night Court
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At night court, a man was brought in and set before the judge. The judge said, "State your name, occupation, and the charge."The defendant said, "I'm Sparks, I'm an electrician, charged with battery."The judge winced and said, "Bailiff! Put this man in a dry cell!"
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During a readiness exercise, two Air Force security policemen were guarding entry to a bunker-like structure where aircraft were kept. When a pilot about to do a preflight check approached without his identification in plain view, one of the Air Force security policemen asked him for it. "I don't see why I have to show you my ID," the pilot snapped. "After all, it is my plane." "Sir, with all due respect, it may be your plane," replied the Air Force security man, "but it's sitting in my garage!"
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Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, they call it golf.
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One liners
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A boiled egg is hard to beat. A calendar's days are numbered. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. He had a photographic memory, which was never developed. A plateau is a high form of flattery. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead th…
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People Say the Strangest Things: These phrases were culled from the small ad columns of local newspapers in the UK and the USA. Semi-annual after-Christmas sale. Auto repair service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you' ll never go anywhere again. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $10.00. Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else. Tattoos done while you wait. Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months…
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Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? Reading while sunbathing makes you well red . When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. What's the definition of a …
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A bribe for your professor: A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.
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Defining IRS Form 1040 For those of you who are not familiar with US tax forms, "Form 1040" is the most common of the US Federal tax forms. Most people file one of the several versions of this form. Ever wonder why the IRS calls it Form 1040? Because for every $50 that you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.
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A touchy-CNN reporter, while interviewing a Marine sniper asked, "What do you feel when you shoot a terrorist?" The Marine shrugged and replied, "Recoil."
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A drunk woman leapt into a taxi stark naked. Sachin, the Indian cab driver made no attempt to drive off. "What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?" "I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..." "Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?" "Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with?!"
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Funny Beer Quotations Beauty is in the hands of the beer holder. - Anonymous My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. - Henry Youngman Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony. - Robert Benchley Brewers enjoy working to make beer as much as drinking beer instead of working. - Harold Rudolph Apparently it was the accepted practice in Babylonia [now southern Iraq] 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and becau…
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Jennie was sitting at the defendant's table while the state trooper was being cross-examined on the witness stand. The lawyer asked, 'When you stopped the defendant, Jennie, were your red and blue lights flashing?' 'Yes, sir, they were.' 'Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?' 'Yes, sir, she did.' 'And,' looking at Jennie, 'what was it the defendant said?' 'She said, "What disco am I at?''
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