Sonny's Funnies
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This is the season of weather stories. Which brings to mind the mighty winds which range the great open spaces of Oklahoma. Out there the wind blows so hard that the boys often use it to ride to town on. They stand out in the road and hold up their big hats like sails, and the next thing they know the breeze has set them down in front of the courthouse. Sometimes it turns wells inside out and spills water over seventeen counties. One day a visitor noticed a log-chain hanging from a limb near a lonely cabin. He asked the settler what purpose it serves. “Well, stranger,†the man replied, “when I wake up in the morning I peek through a crack…
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A little man came into the office of a psychiatrist: Little Man (very timidly): I was wondering if you couldn’t split my personality for me. Doctor (looking puzzled): Split your personality? Why would you want that done? Little Man (with tears tumbling down his cheeks): Oh, doctor! I’m so lonesome. * * * * snowyday
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An undertaker found a donkey lying dead in his back yard and went to inform the police. “What shall I do with it?†he asked the police officer in charge. “Do with it? Bury it of course,†said the officer, laughing. “You’re an undertaker aren’t you?†“Certainly I am,†replied the undertaker. “But I thought it my duty to come around and inform the relatives first.†* * * * snowyday
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Eastern boy (in Oregon): It makes me sick to hear some of your idiotic western names. The idea of calling a town “Wagontire!†Western boy: “It isn’t a nice name. I agree, and if we ever change it I will let you know at once.†Eastern boy: “I wish you would.†Western boy: “Where shall I address you?†Eastern boy: At “Horsehead†New York.†* * * * snowyday
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They had just emerged from an air-raid shelter. Said the girl. “Herbert, you really shouldn’t have kissed me like that, with all those people around us, even if it was dark.†“I didn’t kiss you,†said Herbert looking angrily around the crowd. “I only wish to know who it was — I’d teach him.†“Herbert,†sighed the girl, “you couldn’t teach him anything.†* * * * snowyday
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“So because of her you gave up drinking and smoking?†“Yes.†“And you never play billiards or cards?†“Exactly.†“Then why didn’t you marry her?†“Because I was so reformed that I saw I could do much better!†* * * * snowyday
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She was pretty and ambitious and had studied the matrimonial problem to a nicety. “Yes. I suppose, I shall wed eventually.†She said, “but the only kind of masculine nuisance that will suit me must be tall and dark, with classical features. He must be brave, yet gentle. He must be strong—a lion among men, but a knight among women. That evening a bow-legged, lath-framed chinless youth, wearing flannel baggies and smoking a cigarette that smelt worse than a burning boot, rattled on the back door and the girl knocked four tumblers and a cut glass dish off the sideboard in her haste to let him in. * * * * snowyday
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The class composition was about “Kings.†One boy wrote this: “The most powerful king on earth is Wor-king; the laziest, Shir-king; the wittiest, Jo-king; the quietest, Thin-king; the thirstiest, Drin-king; the shyest, Win-king, and the noisiest, Tal-king. * * * *
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The parson was engaged in a small job of home carpentry, and not doing so well. Presently Willie, the boy next door, came over to watch him. The parson was pleased and encouraged. “Willie,†he said, “are you watching to see how I do it?†“Naw,†replied Willie. I’m waiting to hear what you say when you mash your thumb.†* * *
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Little Sophia was heartbroken when her pet canary died, and to pacify her, father gave her an empty cigar box, and, with much ceremony, assisted in burying the box in the garden. Daddy, whispered Sophia after the funeral was over, will my dear little birdie go to heaven? I expect so, replied the father, why? I was only thinking, murmured the youngster, how cross St. Peter will be when he opens the box and finds it isn’t cigars after all. * * * *
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A man walked into a restaurant and left the door open. A big fat man called out, shut that door, were you brought up in a barn. The man closed the door, went to a table, sat down and began to cry. At which the fat man looked uncomfortable and went over to the sorrowful one. Said he, “I’m sorry, I didn’t intend to hurt your feelings. I just wanted you to close the door.†I’m not crying because you hurt my feelings was the reply, but the fact is, I was brought up in a barn, and every time I here an ass bray, it makes me feel homesick. * * * *
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The courtroom reporters who saw Harry Hershfield at the Alger Hiss trial told of the Vera Stretz murder trial which was covered by Hershfield. Miss Stretz had shot her Teuton lover, whose body showed five bullet wounds. She was defended by Samuel Leibowitz and acquitted . . . Her plea was self-defense. And when, during a recess, the presiding judge, Cornelius Collins, asked the reporters: “How could a woman shoot five times, and then say it’s self-defense?†. . . “Maybe,†suggested Hershfield, she was hard of hearing.†* * * *
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The teacher had recited “The Landing of the Pilgrims.†Then she requested each pupil to draw from his or her imagination a picture of Plymouth Rock. Most of them went to work at once, but one little fellow hesitated and at length raised his hand. “Well, Willie, what is it?†asked the teacher. “Please, ma’am, do you want us to draw a hen or a rooster?†* * * *
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A well known actor with a caustic wit was having a quarrel with his wife. After a particularly biting remark, she burst into tears and said: How can you treat me like this when I’ve given you the seven best years of my life!†“Good Heavens,†replied the husband, “were those your best?†* * * *
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“Did you notice any suspicious characters in the neighborhood?†the judge inquired. “Sure,†replied the new policeman. “I saw one man, and I asked him what he was doing there at that time of night. Said he: “I have no business here just now, but I expect to open a bank in the vicinity later on.†“Yes,†replied the judge, “and he did open a bank in the vicinity later on and stole $20,000.†“Well,†answered the policeman. The man may have been a thief, but he was no liar.†* * * *
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Freckled, shaggy-haired, tall gangling, young mountaineer entered the general store, plunked down $1.50 and said to the lady clerk: “The girl my cousin’s marrin’ tomorrow wants a pair of Nylon stockin’s, size nine, to wear at the weddin.’ “What gauge?†Asked the clerk. “Gauge?†he echoed blankly. “She didn’t say, ma’am, but her pap’s old shotgun looked like a 12-gauge – if that’ll help any.†* * * * from 1943
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Old Matt Ironfield, who had run the only hardware store in Slopeville for the last thirty years, was sitting himself down to supper table, when his patient wife, Esmerelda, said: “Any business today, Matt?†“Oh, old Bull’s-Eye Benson came in and bought a lock for his meat cellar this morning.†“Anything else happen?†asked his wife. “Oh, a little later on, Light-Fingered Fenwick come in and bought a wrecking bar.†“Oh, just before noon, Light-Fingered Fenwick came back and bought a skillet – big enough to fry a big slice of ham in.†“I see,†said Esmerelda. “Any other customers?†“Oh, along the middle of the afternoon, …
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A Boston salesman visited Texas and heard one particular Texan boasting about heroes of the Alamo who, almost alone, held off whole armies. “I’ll bet you never had anybody so brave around Boston,†challenged the Texan. “Did you ever hear of Paul Revere?†said the Bostonian. “Paul Revere?†said the Texan. “Isn’t that the guy that ran for help?†* * * *
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Lost on a back road in Alabama, a man asked the way to Montgomery from an old farmer who was sitting on a fence idly chewing tobacco. He looked down the road, scratched his head and gave him a complicated set of directions. About thirty minutes later after following the farmer’s directions carefully, the young man could hardly believe his eyes when he came upon the farmer again at the very same spot. Thoroughly exasperated he pulled up and shouted: “Look here, you act as though you expected to see me again. What’s the big idea?†“Waal, young feller,†he repeated, “I didn’t aim to waste my time explainin’ how you get to Mon…
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An athlete who had won many running races was boasting of his achievements when a man sitting near interrupted him. “I’ll race you,†said the stranger, “and you’ll never pass me if you give me a 3 foot start and let me choose the course. The athlete looked at his challenger, a short and rather stout man, and laughed, “I bet you twenty to one I will.†he returned, “where’s the course?†“Up a ladder,†answered his opponent. * * * *
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A teacher was slightly in doubt as to what mark to give the boy on his answer in an examination to the question “What is a will?†The boys answer: “A will is a written document in which a person tells how he wants his property divided among his errors.†* * * *
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A Navy wife bidding her husband goodbye as he was embarking for the Aleutians, says when she saw a black Scottie puppy going aboard, when wives were not allowed to go along, she went to an officer and complained about the unfairness of regulations that allowed dogs, but not wives, to accompany the Navy. The officer listened to the tirade in silence. Then he spoke, “but see, madam, he said, “all of the men can pet a dog.†* * * *
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I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, " What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk …
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A man was driving through Wyoming one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting by the road in total silence. He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent. As he peered by the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised. Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fu…
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Real Sergeants 1. Can cuss for ten minutes without ever repeating a word. 2. Have a spine. 3. Can play a cherry Lieutenant like a finely tuned instrument. 4. Can see in the Dark. 5. Have eyes in the back of their heads. 6. Still don't trust the Russians. 7. Still hate the French. 8. Don't know how to be politically correct. 9. Don't give a damn about being politically correct. 10. Think that "politically correct" should fall under S### in the UCMJ. 11. Love deployments because there is less paperwork and more "real work." 12. Can run 5 miles with a hangover. 13. Do not fear women in the military. 14. Would like to date G. I. Jane. 15. …
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