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Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." Cost me 6 stitches but when you’re over seventy...who cares? Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." Lady Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" Cowboy: "Nah. She's purty good lookin'." When you’re over seventy...who cares? I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, You'd look all right.” I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.” Cost me a fat lip but, when you’re over seventy...who cares? I went to the pub last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs." The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?" I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now." Cost me 6 more stitches. But when you’re over seventy...who cares?